Humorous Quotations | Page 2

There are some circles in America where it seems to be more socially acceptable to carry a hand-gun than a packet of cigarettes.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

In business, the competition will bite you if you keep running, if you stand still, they will swallow you.

I love sharing my stories and experiences with people and connecting to them on both a humorous and emotional level.

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish

Take motherhood: nobody ever thought of putting it on a moral pedestal until some brash feminists pointed out, about a century ago, that the pay is lousy and the career ladder nonexistent.

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

While I would agree that I write about serious subjects, and that they're not necessarily the most pleasant subjects or even the most pleasant people, as a writer I just think about the humorous aspects of these things - that's what keeps me going when I'm writing a story.

I can see the humorous side of things and enjoy the fun when it comes; but look where I will, there seems to me always more sadness than joy in life.

How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.

I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.

Men are only as loyal as their options.

Insult is powerful. Insult begets both rage and humor and often at the same time.

I think humor is a very serious thing. I use it as a way of weakening the reader's defenses so that I can more easily take him to something more.

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.

The trouble with music appreciation in general is that people are taught to have too much respect for music they should be taught to love it instead.

There are times when parenthood seems nothing more than feeding the hand that bites you.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.

I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.

Sometimes, I think the best kind of poem is one in which there is an acute balance between what is humorous and that which is very serious. That balance is very hard to strike. But it can be done.

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.

God has a brown voice, as soft and full as beer.

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.

I love humorous games. I love to laugh, and I think it's a really great way to attract players.

Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.

I don't think women's prisons are environments for dance routines, and I don't think mass murder is humorous.

Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn't be done.

My favorite review described me as the cinematic equivalent of junk mail. I don't know what that means, but it sounds like a dig.

We are dealing with the best-educated generation in history. But they've got a brain dressed up with nowhere to go.

I have no further use for America. I wouldn't go back there if Jesus Christ was President.

You can't be a casual observer of something humorous - you have to engage, you have to find it funny for the relationship between actor and audience to work.

The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you are at the right or wrong end of the gun.

I observe the physician with the same diligence as the disease.

I won't say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like: What I'm going to be if I grow up.

If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read: 'President Can't Swim.'

Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.

The best doctor is the one you run to and can't find.

To be ignorant of one's ignorance is the malady of the ignorant.

Let me tell you something that we Israelis have against Moses. He took us 40 years through the desert in order to bring us to the one spot in the Middle East that has no oil!

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

America is the country where you can buy a lifetime supply of aspirin For one dollar and use it up in two weeks.

O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.

If you don't know what to do with many of the papers piled on your desk, stick a dozen colleagues initials on them and pass them along. When in doubt, route.

We don't care. We don't have to. We're the phone company.

Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'

Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.

One posthumous measure of a person's life is how often you imagine his impossible return to deal with some event he never lived to encounter. You picture his reactions, his advice, his sage commentary and humorous asides. For instance, I think about Mark Twain's hypothetical take on current events several times a week.

It is better to debate a question without settling it than to settle a question without debating it.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

Italians come to ruin most generally in three ways, women, gambling, and farming. My family chose the slowest one.

Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.

Who made the world I cannot tell; 'Tis made, and here am I in hell. My hand, though now my knuckles bleed, I never soiled with such a deed.

Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.

Look at Gleason in The Honeymooners. He was humorous but the way he lived wasn't really humorous. He was a bus driver. Who wants to be a bus driver? He didn't have any money and he was not famous. But despite that, the show is humorous.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

Five exclamation marks, the sure sign of an insane mind.

Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

We do not rejoice in victories. We rejoice when a new kind of cotton is grown and when strawberries bloom in Israel.

The lullaby is the spell whereby the mother attempts to transform herself back from an ogre to a saint.

When you are dealing with a child, keep all your wits about you, and sit on the floor.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

There is nothing the matter with Americans except their ideals. The real American is all right; it is the ideal American who is all wrong.

Every man has his follies - and often they are the most interesting thing he has got.

Kites rise highest against the wind - not with it.

I compare a lot of life to looking at a map through a straw. The less ability you have to see life in a humorous way, the smaller the straw is that you're looking at the map of life. You're not looking at the whole picture. You can't see the whole topography without it, and it can help you to make better choices.

Celebrity is death - celebrity - that's the worst thing that can happen to an actor.

I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral slob.

Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages.

Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering.

Every author really wants to have letters printed in the papers. Unable to make the grade, he drops down a rung of the ladder and writes novels.

Brains, you know, are suspect in the Republican Party.

What Democratic congressmen do to their women staffers, Republican congressmen do to the country.

If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!

Of all the noises known to man, opera is the most expensive.

A car is useless in New York, essential everywhere else. The same with good manners.

The Church has always been willing to swap off treasures in heaven for cash down.

The best doctors in the world are Doctor Diet, Doctor Quiet, and Doctor Merryman.

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?

Try not to have a good time... this is supposed to be educational.

I'm a Christian-libertarian-environmentalist-capitalist-lunatic. It's a humorous way for me to describe that I'm not stereotypical.

Just because your ad looks good is no insurance that it will get looked at. How many people do you know who are impeccably groomed... but dull?

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass.

The tenderest spot in a man's make-up is sometimes the bald spot on top of his head.

There's so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is becoming an endangered synthetic.

Eventually I would like to touch all the genres. I would like to do some detective stories, and I want to do a Western. I would want to do humorous Westerns.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

Well, the way things are going, aside from wheat and auto parts, America's biggest export is now the Oscar.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers.

I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.