Sarcasm Quotations

A consensus means that everyone agrees to say collectively what no one believes individually.

I grew up in an environment of jokes and sarcasm and puns. I talk that way, so I write that way.

Avoid sarcasm. Don't insist on the last word.

I'm so sick of sarcasm and irony, I could kill! Sincerely, the real root of things is love and sacrifice.

Sarcasm is weird. Even not in acting, in life I feel like 'sarcastic' is a word that people use to describe me sometimes so when I meet someone, it's almost like they feel like they have to also be sarcastic, but it can sometimes just come off as mean if it's not used in the right way.

You can't find any true closeness in Hollywood, because everybody does the fake closeness so well.

A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of.

You had to learn at a certain age what sarcasm is, you know?

My natural-born sarcasm, when it's unimpeded, can be a bit overbearing at times and I'm the first to admit that.

Somebody says, 'Do a Tom Bodett, a folksy kind of thing,' and it sounds like something out of 'Hee Haw,' very insulting. They turn wry humor into disparaging sarcasm, and you get what amounts to insulting advertising.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

The difference between a violin and a viola is that a viola burns longer.

This music won't do. There's not enough sarcasm in it.

As you get older, the pickings get slimmer, but the people don't.

The clear problem of the outlawing of insult is that too many things can be interpreted as such. Criticism, ridicule, sarcasm, merely stating an alternative point of view to the orthodoxy, can be interpreted as insult.

I don't like food that's too carefully arranged; it makes me think that the chef is spending too much time arranging and not enough time cooking. If I wanted a picture I'd buy a painting.

Sometimes Americans don't quite get my sense of humor. My good ol' British sarcasm seems to go over their heads.

Satire is tragedy plus time. You give it enough time, the public, the reviewers will allow you to satirize it. Which is rather ridiculous, when you think about it.

Satire is a sort of glass, wherein beholders do generally discover everybody's face but their own.

The one function that TV news performs very well is that when there is no news we give it to you with the same emphasis as if it were.

When I first started writing, I was living in England and I had that uniquely English sense of sarcasm, which has definitely seemed to have left me. I am a naturalized American and my sensibility has become far more American.

Unemployment is capitalism's way of getting you to plant a garden.

Laws are like sausages, it is better not to see them being made.

I'll speak for myself, but there's a lot of humor to be found in sarcasm and darkness. You talk to any paramedic, they survive by developing a pretty off-kilter sense of humor.

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.

My parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles were all funny, and I felt that energy, that delivery, that timing, that sarcasm. All that stuff seeped into my brain.

Do unto yourself as your neighbors do unto themselves and look pleasant.

Her virtue was that she said what she thought, her vice that what she thought didn't amount to much.

My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me.

Nothing is as irritating as the fellow who chats pleasantly while he's overcharging you.

Events in the past may be roughly divided into those which probably never happened and those which do not matter.

I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from.

I love the French for their sarcasm, their irony. I love them for their bad moods.

The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced.

When those waiters ask me if I want some fresh ground pepper, I ask if they have any aged pepper.

Fools are my theme, let satire be my song.

People want to know why I do this, why I write such gross stuff. I like to tell them I have the heart of a small boy... and I keep it in a jar on my desk.

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can't be done.

Death will be a great relief. No more interviews.

Sarcasm: the last refuge of modest and chaste-souled people when the privacy of their soul is coarsely and intrusively invaded.

Bureaucracy defends the status quo long past the time when the quo has lost its status.

I find it rather easy to portray a businessman. Being bland, rather cruel and incompetent comes naturally to me.

A good listener is usually thinking about something else.

What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement.

Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.

There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence.

Patriot: the person who can holler the loudest without knowing what he is hollering about.

When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other.

Some people approach every problem with an open mouth.

Whom the gods wish to destroy they first call promising.

Man was created a little lower than the angels and has been getting a little lower ever since.

All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others.

A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

The poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.

It ain't often that a man's reputation outlasts his money.

As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

I have been complimented many times and they always embarrass me; I always feel that they have not said enough.

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

What the country needs is dirtier fingernails and cleaner minds.

Democracy is a device that insures we shall be governed no better than we deserve.

Sarcasm I now see to be, in general, the language of the devil; for which reason I have long since as good as renounced it.

Why should we take advice on sex from the pope? If he knows anything about it, he shouldn't!

Satirists gain the applause of others through fear, not through love.

Advertisements contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper.

It's easier to replace a dead man than a good picture.

I would like to take you seriously, but to do so would be an affront to your intelligence.

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

Teenagers are bored. By everything. Show a teenager an actual volcanic eruption, in progress, featuring giant billowing clouds of smoke, hot rocks raining from the sky, lava flows destroying entire villages, etc., and the teenager, eyebrows arched with sarcasm, will look at you and say, "Gee, this is swell," then return to the rental car, turn on his portable CD player, and listen to a band called Stomach Contents.

The old system of having a baby was much better than the new system, the old system being characterized by the fact that the man didn't have to watch.

The word aerobics comes from two Greek words: aero, meaning “ability to,” and bics, meaning “withstand tremendous boredom.

His ignorance is encyclopedic.

Mrs. Landingham, does the President have free time this morning? The President has nothing but free time, Toby. Right now he's in the residence eating Cheerios and enjoying Regis and Kathie Lee. Should I get him for you? Sarcasm's a disturbing thing coming from a woman of your age, Mrs. Landingham. What age would that be, Toby? Late twenties? Atta boy.

If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies?

It's better to be black than gay because when you're black you don't have to tell your mother.

The National Rifle Association says, 'Guns don't kill people. People do'. But I think the gun helps.

If you're choking in a restaurant you can just say the magic words, 'Heimlich maneuver,' and all will be well. Trouble is, it's difficult to say 'Heimlich maneuver' when you're choking to death.

Puberty is the sickest joke God plays on us. So you're just noticing members of the sex: "Girls girls, ooo". Naturally you want to look your best, and God says "No! You will look the worst you've ever looked in your life!"

Without sarcasm I sink into chaos.

Might I trouble you to open the window, for chloroform vapour does not help the palate.

Brothers are a blessing for one thing. There is no possibility of any young lady getting unreasonably conceited if she be endowed with them.

Love has been taken away from the poets, and has been brought within the domain of true science. It may prove to be one of the great cosmic elementary forces. When the atom of hydrogen draws the atom of chlorine towards it to form the perfected molecule of hydrochloric acid, the force which it exerts may be intrinsically similar to that which draws me to you. Attraction and repulsion appear to be the primary forces. This is attraction.

He had never seen a woman doctor before, and his whole conservative soul rose up in revolt at the idea. He could not recall any biblical injunction that the man should remain ever the doctor and the woman the nurse, and yet he felt as if a blasphemy had been committed.

The less experienced a doctor is, the higher are his notions of professional dignity . . .

The sky was of the deepest blue, with a few white, fleecy clouds drifting lazily across it, and the air was filled with the low drone of insects or with a sudden sharper note as bee or bluefly shot past with its quivering, long-drawn hum, like an insect tuning-fork.

"There are one or two elementary rules to be observed in the way of handling patients," he remarked, seating himself on the table and swinging his legs. "The most obvious is that you must never let them see that you want them. It should be pure condescension on your part seeing them at all; and the more difficulties you throw in the way of it, the more they think of it. Break your patients in early, and keep them well to heel."

"Dr. Munro, sir," said he, "I am a walking museum. You could fit what ISN'T the matter with me on to the back of a -- visiting card. If there's any complaint you want to make a special study of, just you come to me, sir, and see what I can do for you. It's not every one that can say that he has had cholera three times, and cured himself by living on red pepper and brandy."

I am engaged in answering that Italian buffoon, Mazotti, whose views upon the larval development of the tropical termites have excited my derision and contempt . . .

"I have seen those symptoms before," said Holmes, throwing his cigarette into the fire. "Oscillation upon the pavement always means an affaire de coeur."

There seems to me to be absolutely no limit to the inanity and credulity of the human race. Homo Sapiens! Homo idioticus!

One dumb-bell, Watson! Consider an athlete with one dumb-bell. Picture to yourself the unilateral development - the imminent danger of a spinal curvature. Shocking, Watson, shocking!

I think you want a little unofficial help. Three undetected murders in one year won't do, Lestrade. But you handled the Molesey Mystery with less than your usual - that's to say, you handled it fairly well.

Living, as I do, in an educated and scientific atmosphere, I could not have conceived that the first principles of zoology were so little known. Is it possible that you do not know the elementary fact in comparative anatomy, that the wing of a bird is really the forearm, while the wing of a bat consists of three elongated fingers with membranes between?

And yet the motives of women are so inscrutable. You remember the woman at Margate whom I suspected for the same reason. No powder on her nose - that proved to be the correct solution. How can you build on such a quicksand? Their most trivial action may mean volumes, or their most extraordinary conduct may depend upon a hairpin or a curling tongs.

I can do only one thing at a time, but I can avoid doing many things simultaneously.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

The time for action is past! Now is the time for senseless bickering!

I want either less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

You have delighted us long enough.

I do sarcasm really poorly.