Andy Borowitz Quotations

Christmas never would have caught on if it had been called Celebrate a Little Jew's Birthday.

Remember, no matter how hard your life is right now, it would be worse if a song by Chicago was playing.

Maybe I'm a dreamer, but I wish mental health care was as easy to get as, say, a gun.

The only way to explain how some people dress for the airport is they think no one else will be there.

A race between Perry and Christie would test whether Americans would rather be executed or eaten.

If you are friends with the wrong people, Google+ autocorrects them

Twitter is currently valued at $8 billion, or $1 for every hour it has wasted.

Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Give a man Twitter, and he will forget to eat and starve to death.

As popular as Christmas is, it would be even bigger if it had vampires.

You can return all the Christmas gifts you want, but you will never get back the time spent with your relatives.