Andy Rooney Quotations | Page 3

Democrats believe people are basically good but must be saved from themselves by the government. Republicans believe people are basically bad but they'll be okay if they're left alone.

Don't you hate it when...your suitcase is the last one off the airplane?

I think Dan [Rather] is transparently liberal. Now he may not like to hear me say that. I always agree with him, too. But I think he should be more careful.

It's not so much that I write well, I just don't write badly very often and that passes for good on television.

I never get over feeling bad about tearing open a beautifully wrapped present. It takes ten seconds to destroy a work of art that took someone ten minutes to accomplish.

The fastest thing computers do is go obsolete.

Familiar things are a comfort to us all.

I'd like to be rich enough so I could throw soap away after the letters are worn off

People waiting for an elevator don't know what to do, standing with strangers. There is nothing to do. Its an uneasy time. Some press the button repeatedly as though it would help.

It would be a better world if everyone in it knew all the truth about everything.

I've learned ... that no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.

The two biggest sellers in any bookstore are the cookbooks and the diet books. The cookbooks tell you how to prepare the food, and the diet books tell you how not to eat any of it!

The biggest seller is cookbooks and the second is diet books - how not to eat what you've just learned how to cook.

I don't differentiate much, except in degree, between people who believe in religion from those who believe in astrology, magic or the supernatural.

I am not retiring. Writers don't retire. Writers never stop writing.

I've learned... that just one person saying to me, 'You've made my day!' makes my day.

Age is nothing but experience, and some of us are more experienced than others

I've learned .... That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.

I've learned .... That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.

I can't choose how i feel. But i can choose what I do about it.

I've learned... That you should never say no to a gift from a child.

I just wish this social institution [religion] wasnt based on what appears to me to be a monumental hoax built on an accumulation of customs and myths directed toward proving something that isnt true.

I've learned... That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.

I've learned... That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.

Guns do not make you a killer. I think killing makes you a killer. You can kill someone with a baseball bat or a car, but no one is trying to ban you from driving to the ball game.

We all ought to understand we're on our own. Believing in Santa Claus doesn't do kids any harm for a few years but it isn't smart for them to continue waiting all their lives for him to come down the chimney with something wonderful. Santa Claus and God are cousins.

Half the cookbooks tell you how to cook the food and the other half tell you how to avoid eating it.

I've learned that under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.

Elephants and grandchildren never forget.

I've learned... That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.

You can't be a good writer without being a good thinker.

Never trust the food in a restaurant on top of the tallest building in town that spends a lot of time folding napkins.

I've learned... That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.

Some people who hated Americans set out to kill a lot of us and they succeeded [on 9/11]....We're trying to protect ourselves with more weapons. We have to do it, I guess, but it might be better if we figured out how to behave as a nation in a way that wouldn't make so many people in the world want to kill us.

I know a lot of you believe that most people in the news business are liberal. Let me tell you, I know a lot of them, and they were almost evenly divided this time. Half of them liked Senator Kerry; the other half hated President Bush.

Those to whom his word was revealed were always alone in some remote place, like Moses. There wasn't anyone else around when Mohammed got the word either. Mormon Joseph Smith and Christian Scientist, Mary Baker Eddy, had exclusive audiences with God. We have to trust them as reporters--and you know how reporters are. They'll do anything for a story.

My mother always called me 'sturdy' and said I have big bones. A little fat is what I am.

Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize. For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?", here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

Why am I an atheist? I ask you: Why is anybody not an atheist? Everyone starts out being an atheist. No one is born with belief in anything. Infants are atheists until they are indoctrinated. I resent anyone pushing their religion on me. I don't push my atheism on anybody else. Live and let live. Not many people practice that when it comes to religion.

I'd be more willing to accept religion, even if I didn't believe it, if I thought it made people nicer to each other but I don't think it does.

Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

I've learned... That love, not time, heals all wounds.

I've learned that no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.

Being kind is more important than being right.

Christians talk as though goodness was their idea but good behavior doesn't have any religious origin. Our prisons are filled with the devout.

the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.

If you don't enjoy getting up and working and finishing your work and sitting down to a meal with family or friends, then the chances are you're not going to be happy. If someone bases his happiness or unhappiness on major events like a great new job, huge amounts of money, a flawlessly happy marriage or a trip to Paris, that person isn't going to be happy much of the time. If, on the other hand, happiness depends on a good breakfast, flowers in the yard, a drink or a nap, then we are more likely to live with quite a bit of happiness.

Men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, "How can he want me the way I look in the morning?" It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.

Do I have opinions that might piss people off? Yes - that's what I'm here for.

Don't give it to Katie. Give it to a bunch of reporters and make CBS News the best news operation in the world.

Don't pin much hope on the mail, and when the phone rings don't expect anyone wonderful to be calling

Do you think there's any possibility you could get CBS management to split your salary up amongst the rest of us?

Anyone who lies golf on television would enjoy watching the grass grow on the greens.

They're gonna wish they'd never invited me. I have a basement full of stuff I'm gonna send. They'll be out of room before I'm done.

I liked not being the oldest person on the show.

If you smile when you are alone, then you really mean it.