Anthony Jeselnik Quotations

Charlie Sheen called his boss on 'Two and a Half Men' a 'Jew ki**' and expected to go back to work. That’s crazy. If you could do that and keep your job, then everybody would do it.

Tom Cruise's pre-nup lets him keep his money, the kids and Katie Holmes.

I'm fascinated by offensive subject matter. Always have been. It is very natural to me, as any teach I've ever had growing up could attest.

Comedy Central made me delete the Boston Marathon joke. I wasn't happy about it but, despite popular belief, I can occasionally be a team player.

I'm not a comedy writer, I'm a comedian, so I only write stuff that I would want to say.

Im not the voice of reason; Im more the guy using these offensive topics as fodder to raise tension in a joke.

If I tell a joke on stage and the crowd laughs for a minute, I stand there for a minute and enjoy them laughing before I go on to the next joke. On TV, if I stand there for a minute while they laugh, I look like an idiot who can't remember the next joke.

What do I care if someone doesn't like me. If I like someone other people hate, it makes me feel special. I think my fans feel that way.

I was always cutting words. I even would write my jokes in my notebook. I still do this, almost like a poem.

I don't want to wake up with cops surrounding my bed tonight.

I got into comedy because I wanted to get into writing.

I try to write three jokes every morning, although I don't know what they are. I write them as fast as I can, then I put them away for a month. So I couldn't even tell you what they are, or if they're good. I just assume they weren't.

Amy [Schumer] and I each have our cross to bear when it comes to tattoos. Amy and I are funny when we fight. It just keeps escalating until one of us starts laughing. Then it's over. I'm happy that we're friends.

I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.

I'm a comedian and there are a lot of things I'm still learning. I love one liners because I love smart jokes. I also don't like complaining about society or whining about my life on stage.

I don't think Metallica sits around all day wondering why country music fans don't embrace them.

I try to retire jokes as soon as I can once I put them on an album. But I can't think of anything I just stopped doing for no reason.

I never knew if I would get my own show, but I knew I loved stand-up.

God, that Anthony Jeselnik Show sounds really funny.

My favorite sport is football. I'm a die hard Steelers fan. Favorite players were Hines Ward and Greg Lloyd.

I enjoyed writing for someone elses voice, but I wasnt very good at it.

My ultimate goal is to do whatever I want, whenever I want to do it. And that keeps changing. I didn't want to host my own show until I wrote for someone else's.

Watching soccer just makes me wish I was watching Foosball.

I grew up in a poor family. I had to cut everyone's hair, because we didn't have money for entertainment.

Hitler really wasn't so bad. In the black way.

My favorite part of going to a wedding is ruining the wedding.

Stereotypes wouldn't be so bad if black people were nicer, in general.

That's the worst way you can hear about comedy material: from a third person's blog story that they wrote when they were upset.

It's impossible for me to hear the words quadruple murder suicide without thinking of my grandparents.

I had a happy childhood in a nice suburban area, pretty idyllic, upper middle class and very, very white. My dad is an attorney. My mother is a housewife. They had five kids in seven years: me, my brother, and three sisters. I'm the oldest. We were all very active. My mother was exhausted.

I was always fascinated by forbidden things people didn't want to talk about, like death.

Sure, my uncle killed himself playing Russian Roulette. But I choose to remember him as a great Russian Roulette player.

I would love to DJ the royal wedding. Just so I could play Candle in the Wind non-stop.

I feel like every first episode of a TV show is bad, you know, and it always improves.

On Twitter, when someone would die, I would write a joke. Or if there's a tragedy, I would write a joke and tweet it. That was my thing, and then at a certain point, people started demanding it.

Silence means they [the audience] are paying attention. Even if I drop bombs and they're dead quiet, it's still okay. If they start talking, that's when you've lost them.

I loved Stephen Wright, and I loved Mitch Hedberg, but they seemed like geniuses you could never emulate. You'd just be ripping them off.

One of my favorite things on the show was just getting to do my own monologue and talking about someone who killed themselves, or making a joke about some horrible tragedy - I love being able to fight for and get on TV. I just think it's so different.

I hated my mom for not letting me play football as a kid. So when I have kids someday, I guarantee they'll never meet their grandmother.

I think the reason I became funny was because if I made people laugh, they would let me keep talking.

I would write 100 jokes a day. Most of them were terrible. But I just said, 'I'll write more than everybody else, and that's how I'll get better.'

Larry King is so old, he's actually one of the Jews that killed Christ.

I have a twelve year old sex doll. Brand new.

I guess I prefer the laughs. I couldn't do a whole set of just shocks, but I like throwing a fastball inside every now and then to keep people on their toes.

You look like you deep fry your hands before you bite your fingernails.

My mom's been having a hard time lately. She just found out that she has to have both of her breasts removed - if she's ever going to be good at golf.

An offended audience member repeating a comedian's act from memory is worse than, literally, anything.

I love Austin, but last time I was in town for twelve hours. I was exhausted, drunk and miserable. But none of that was Austin's fault.

I want people to just be paying attention even if they're not necessarily laughing at something, or if it takes them a while to get something, I don't mind that. If half the crowd gets the joke and the other half is sitting there scratching their heads, that's just as good for me if I like the joke, because I feel like it just brings people in more.

My great grandmother threw herself in front of a bus. The police tried to say she was committed suicide but the family knew she was just trying to stop civil rights.

I can drink like a fish, or at least, someone born with fetal alcohol syndrome.

Father's Day makes me wish I could talk to my Dad just one more time, instead of all the time.

I'm trying to teach my girlfriend how to surf. But I just end up yelling at her the whole time. Because I don't know how to surf.

I'm actually a really nice guy, once you get to blow me.

When I die, I want to be cremated with everybody.

People are surprised that I'm nice and it helps me out a little bit; it's easy to be nice when everyone thinks you're going to be a jerk but if people think you're a nice guy then it's tough because it's what they expect.

Valentine's Day was created by the greeting card industry to get pussy.

Wayne Brady, I don’t understand why people keep joking that you’re not black. Wayne Brady, you are BLACK. After all, I only remember you for all the years you played an uppity slave on ‘Who’s Line is it Anyway?’.

Ellen Barkin, your upcoming TV show ‘The New Normal’ premiers on September 11th. September 11th, that sounds about right. Every clip I’ve seen feels like I’m watching a third tower collapse.

Disasters are funny to me. As a comedian you learn from failure, so I'm always trying to put myself in a situation that does not seem ideal for my comedy and see how it works.

I don't think people shouldn't try to be edgy, but you have to take what the audience says to you in consideration.

I always loved comedy, but it never seemed like something that I could do professionally.

I would never hit a woman - even if she had a knife or a stutter.

My neighbor complains every time my girlfriend and I have sex. We're not even that loud. But he used to date my girlfriend.

On the show, you have to be more charismatic, a little smoother, but I think I can still be that prince of darkness. You just have to learn the tricks of the TV trade as well.

I'm a realist all the way. I'm too cynical to be an optimist. But I've lived too much of a charmed life so far to ever be a pessimist.

I think some people just don't know that much about comedy. It would be like a person who didn't know anything about football thinking all offensive linemen are the same.

What do they call that hat Jewish guys always wear? A Yankees cap.

Racist dermatologists think all black people have really bad skin.

In comedy, I hate that cop-out where you say, "Just kidding." I know you're just kidding. Don't insult my intelligence by spelling it out for me that much.

Do whatever you want to do, whenever you want to do it

I'm very arrogant and mean. I'm almost like a bad guy professional wrestler.

Every comic went through their Mitch Hedberg phase - the glasses, the hair in the face - and you knew immediately when they were doing it.

I don't have much racial stuff in my act. And no one's ever really threatened me to my face. Threats on the internet don't bother me so much.

We just found out my little brother has a peanut allergy, which is very serious I know. But still I feel like my parents are totally overreacting - they caught me eating a tiny little bag of airline peanuts and they kicked me out of his funeral.

The driving force behind doing everything that I've been doing as a stand-up is having problems with authority and not liking to be told what to do.

I could see myself adopting a kid someday. But, obviously, I'd prefer it to be aborted.

Katey Sagal, you are an incredible actress. You worked on ‘Married with Children,’ the show that changed comedy, ‘Sons of Anarchy,’ the show that took comedy to a whole new level and ‘8 Simple Rules,’ the show that killed John Ritter.

I never go see live comedy shows because I just sit in the audience thinking, "Here's what I would say. Here's what I would do if I got up there." It drives me crazy.

I had written for Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman in the past. Jimmy had a different voice, and different priorities. He couldnt be the bad guy in the joke; he couldnt upset people, really.

I wish my family had taken more pictures when I was growing up. Instead of always having to draw everything.

When my girlfriend cooks dinner, I'm happy to do the dishes. Because I make her wash dishes when I take her to a restaurant.

With comics, you always talk about a big break, but there are a lot of big breaks in your life and not one of them makes a big difference.

You can't expect everyone to laugh or applaud you for doing edgy things. Sometimes you'll miss. But I think comedians are artists and there's a value in failure. It kind of works both ways between comedians and audiences. The audience has to understand that comedians are going to sometimes tell a joke that doesn't work out with dark subjects, and the comedian has to understand that sometimes they 'll fail and it's not the audience's fault for not getting it or loving it.

The one thing I've found you really can't joke about - and people think it's death or something - is money. No one thinks it's funny, whether you have it or you don't. Money is just something no one seems to like joking about.

I think a theater show is a pure version of me doing my material. The theater crowd is a bit more polite, there really aren't hecklers, and there are a lot of people there to see me, and they're excited about the jokes and hanging out with me for a show.

I didn't care about the backlash. I think the reason it was so severe was because they didn't know anything about me in New Zealand. If I had made jokes about a shark attack in the US, no one would have cared.

The world is full of horrible things...

Everyone has the same kind of fears; everyone has the same big problems in the world, which is, like, fear of death and I hope horrible things dont happen to my family, but they do. And I think people laugh at them as this great release.

It seemed fun to play a villain on stage and I wanted my jokes to be so good that I could just calmly tell them on stage.

I spent all night feeding the homeless to dogs.

I want to get a tattoo of the word irony, only misspelled.

I do dark [humor]. I like people who are silly and weird and people who are surprising and good at what they do.

I think brilliant stuff comes out of working with limitations. One liners are very limiting, but that's what drew me to them in the first place.

My sister is going to have a simple wedding. Just immediate family. And whoever the hell would want to marry her.

I like the idea of being the funny guy in the dramatic thing, playing a hit man with a weird sense of humor.

I had to break up with my last girlfriend for lying about being raped by her neighbor. But I've met her neighbor, he's a cool guy. Not like her other creepy ass neighbor though...

There is nothing that's off limits. If people think something is off limits, I make it my business to go make a joke about it; that's my job.

I've spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer… but no one will do it.

I have that need in me, I want everyone to love me, but I'm embarrassed by that need, so I wanted to cover it up in my persona. I felt like I wouldn't be able to do stand-up for a career if I was needy. I didn't want to be complaining or whining onstage. I wanted to be cool and do exactly what I wanted to do. That way I would never have to change for anybody.