Billy Connelly Quotations

To a member of the audience who was heckling - 'Don't tell me how to do my job, do I go to your job and tell you how to sweep up

What's being bought is the PR value, and the marketing value.

Marriage is a wonderful invention, but, then again, so is a bicycle repair kit!

In Scotland, there is no such thing as bad weather - only the wrong clothes.

People who ask, "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine? When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?" If the bus came, would I be standing here, Knobhead? When you're involved in an accident and someone asks, "Are you alright?" Yes, fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks, that's an image I really didn't need.