Billy Connolly Quotations | Page 2

If you don't know how to meditate at least try to spend some time every day just sitting.

When I read 'Be real, don't get caught acting,' I thought, 'How the hell do you do that?'.

I don't aim to offend.

I can't believe in Christianity, but I think Jesus was a wonderful teacher.

What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find?

Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. "Is this yours?" she asked "probably" said Paddy "she burns everything else"

Honestly some folk will take offence at anything, I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop, all I asked was "How are you getting on?"

Don't die until you're dead.

Sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears!! Personally, I think its bollocks!!

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a haemorrhoid when it's on the outside of your ass?

All anyone really needs to know about barbed wire is that it can tear the arse out of your trousers, give a cow a good fright, entangle a Yorkshire terrier for life, and is nasty stuff made by greedy men.

When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here?

I'm one of the school of people who don't do research of the reality of the thing or the unreality of the thing. In all the movies I've done, I've never done any research.

When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it?

Where do you go when you die? The same place you were before you were born; nowhere! It's over!

American sex shops are the most bizarre. They sell these inflatable dolls, but they also sell just the head -- supposedly for people to drive along the highway with.

Scottish-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, it's easy - you simply look under the kilt, and if it's a quarter-pounder, you know it's a McDonald's.

Whenever I wear something expensive it looks stolen.

I once travelled to Adelaide on Emu Airways. I was 5,000 ft up in the air when someone pointed out to me that emus can't fly

I'd always been scared of people with tertiary education and high intellects in case they found me wanting. I thought they viewed me as just a welder who knew a few jokes.

Wisdom isn't an old guy on top of a mountain in a loin cloth. It isn't an answer. It's a question.

I don't like the beach. I think we have no business at the beach at all, as a species. We don't belong in the sea. The sea is full of things that bite us, sting us, hurt the soles of our feet, and it's extremely cold. When are we gonna take the hint that the things that live in the sea don't like us?

If you give people a chance, they shine.

If I had a hammer, there'd be no more folksingers.

A woman's mind is as complex as the contents of her handbag; even when you get to the bottom of it, there is ALWAYS something at the bottom to surprise you!

Never trust people who've only got one book.

So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?

There's no such thing as bad weather - only the wrong clothes.

The human race has been set up. Someone, somewhere, is playing a practical joke on us. Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex. Men need to have sex to feel loved. How do we ever get started.

I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright Nooooooooow.

Never trust anybody with only one book.

Scotland has the only football team in the world that does a lap of disgrace.

I hate all those weathermen, too, who tell you that rain is bad weather. There's no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothing, so get yourself a sexy raincoat and live a little.

I’m actually pale blue: it takes me a week of sunbathing to turn white.

When I was 12, we went from Glasgow to Aberdeen on a school trip. It was called fresh air fortnight.

I think of my life as a series of moments and I've found that the great moments often don't have too much to them. They're not huge, complicated events; they're just magical wee moments when somebody says 'I love you' or 'You're a really good at what you do' or simply 'You're a good person'.

Life is supposed to be fun. It's not a job or occupation. We're here only once and we should have a bit of a laugh.

Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he THINK he was doing at the time?

I think age is terribly overrated. You're okay as long as you don't grow up. By all means grow old, but don't mature. Remain childlike, retain wonder, the ability to be flabbergasted by something.

What is it with McDonald's staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you're ordering? It has to be a McChicken burger...a chicken burger gets blank looks. Well, I'll have a McStraw and jam it into your McEyes, you f**cking McTosser!

A well-balanced person has a drink in each hand.

Why are there no windows in the toilets on aeroplanes? To protect you from the most dedicated perverts on the planet, hanging off the wing to get a peep?

The desire to be a politician should bar you for life from ever being one.

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!

I don't believe in angels, no. . . . But I do have a wee parking angel. It's on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it's supposed to give you a parking space. It's worked so far.

But still, I kept thinking, if I'm still troubled by this, if I'm still carrying it around like a big rucksack full of bricks and my father's dead, I need someone to tell me how to get rid of this great weight. . . . The most awful thing was that it was kind of pleasant physically, you know. That's why nobody tells.

For years I thought the club's name was Partick Thistle Nil.

I think that you'll find that Billy Connolly is British.

I've always liked it here. Part of me is Irish. . . . My family comes from the west coast, so whenever I come to Ireland I get a wee tingling in my heart that I'm where I belong.

Roses are red, Violets are blue, I'm a schizophrenic, and so am I.

I'm famous for my bottom dances, but you'll only see my bum and willy if you raise a million pounds within an hour.

I'm very big in Australia, New Zealand, Britain, Canada and America. It's nice. I have a lovely life, and actually it pays better than the movies. Well, it doesn't pay better than Tom Cruise in the movies. But it pays better than I get. I get bus fare compared to these guys.

I'm sure everyone in this room has been told a joke about that subject. I have many times and I've laughed, even though they are horrifying and shocking. . . . I think there's no boundary at all, whether it's that subject or another.

He's a millionaire yet every few seconds had to go 'f***'. What is he trying to prove? Is he trying to show he's bigger and better than everyone else?

I¹m much bigger in Britain than I am there. I'm well-known, but my name's That Guy in America. . . . People shout: "Hey ­ I know you! You're That Guy.