Bob Monkhouse Quotations

My father was ruined by hard drink - he sat on an icicle.

My wife said, 'Can my mother come down for the weekend?' So I said, 'Why?' And she said, 'Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already.'

I'd never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much.

I was a born club comic. Radio and TV and stage were fine, but I found my real home in cabaret.

I'm rather relaxed about death. From quite an early age I've regarded it as part of the deal, the unwritten guarantee that comes with your birth certificate.

I'd like to die like my old dad, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming like his passengers.

I saw a specialist who asked me 'Are you familiar with the phrase faecal impaction?'. I said I think I saw that one with Glenn Close and Michael Douglas.

I'll never stop working. I want to die in the saddle. A day is wasted for me if I haven't done something even mildly creative.

If blind people wear sunglasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

I can still enjoy sex at 74 - I live at 75, so it's no distance.