Dane Cook Quotations

My mom and dad passed away from cancer. Within nine months, I lost both of my folks. Immediately after that, I had a horrible betrayal where my brother, who worked for me, stole a lot of my money. He's in jail now.

Vince Vaughn is a genuine person, awesome guy. He'll come to a lot of my shows. It's not that often that you can meet someone as cool as Vince.

I did stand-up comedy for seventeen years. I need to explore other things.

Anger has a way of seeping into every other emotion and planting itself in there.

I am an observer, I like to watch people. I am into psychology and people - how they act and such.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

If haters or whatever want to find you - I mean, some of them are so tenacious. You want to hire them to work for you. Theyre very, very savvy in terms of how they find you and get to you.

In school I was pretty quiet. Kinda shy until my junior year. But at home I was a freak.

I grew up very self-loathing. I was a phobic. I had anxiety. I had panic attacks.

Nothing is a better icebreaker than a great joke.

My professional dreams were coming true while I was living a personal nightmare.

I say it with my tongue firmly planted in cheek but there's truth to it - being a comedian is very close to being a therapist. When you're working smaller clubs, you're listening. You're feeling an energy, you're going with a tone but when people start yelling out, you almost start a conversation with people.

I was not a silly kid or outgoing. In fact, I suffered from quite a bit of anxiety. I used to have panic attacks when I was a teenager, really incapacitating moments, because I had some phobias.

Here's the thing about Red Sox fans, or actually just fans from that region, in general: they appreciate the effort. And if you mail it in or if you give 80 percent, even with a win, they'll let you know that's not how you do it. They want - if it's comedian, if it's a musician, bring us your best show.

I was doing comedy in laundry mats in 1992, literally where I would bring a little gorilla amp and a lapel mike and just start performing.

My mother had a lot of phobias. She's pregnant with me and she was a very phobic person. So I was born into phobia, basically.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I like fearless characters, people just not afraid to do anything it takes to make people laugh.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

I always thought that if I got no love at all early in my standup career, or I was god awful, I thought I'd get into psychology.

If you use tact you can say anything, then make it funny.

I have new ideas every day, and I always want to take on new challenges.

I'm always going to be someone that people enjoy watching.

I had the humble beginnings. I was doing comedy in laundry mats in 1992, literally where I would bring a little gorilla amp and a lapel mike and just start performing.

I love being on stage if I'm not on a set. If I'm at home, I'm usually in my office editing or reconstructing my website or whatever it may be. I just love putting creativity into a performance, so if the right script comes along, and I certainly am reading comedies and dramas now, then I'm ready willing and able to give it a shot.

As a comedian, I am obligated to tell you the truth, my truth. To share with you my beliefs, my perspective. And I think that we forget sometimes that that's the oath that comics take, that we will go up and share everything - the irreverent, the scary.

My fam is just a regular family. But all of them have great senses of humor.

I can do more than just stand-up comedy, and the only way I'll be able to show that is if I do it myself. Because nobody trusts that I can do it.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I'm interested in doing everything and anything that I can to squeeze that creativity out of my brain. I guess I'm sort of a performance rat.

When you are doing stand-up comedy, you are the writer, producer, director, sometimes bouncer.

I had never done a roast, but I really wanted to, because it's so different from standup.

I love hecklers. They remind you that you are a comedian.

I'm shooting a pilot based on my show. It's a one-camera show. I play myself.

Jim Norton and Harland Williams always make me laugh.

My nickname for my mom was 'The Compass.'

People know I have a good time on stage. I love my life. I love my job.

The little boy inside of all us men always loves something video game related.

There's always someone in every group of friends that nobody likes.

When I first hit the scene, it was just a lot of go, go, go, go, go. I have a lot of natural energy anyway, but it was over the top.

I think that people who do enjoy my stand-up comedy and the people who get it and the people who are taken in by it, they see that I'm a guy that has love of the game.

No one wants to drown. Drowning would be the worst. Cause everyone knows that feeling. That feeling, oh it's the worst... when you think you're drowning.

When you're on a movie set and you are hopefully making a comedy, everyone's stifling their laughter. You're looking at the crew guys, hoping someone is making that face like, and not like, this is not working out, man.

I don't have to do anything for anyone else's benefit anymore. I just want to exceed my own expectations.

You've gotta share what's going on in your mind.

I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I'd always say 'Why not me?'

I'm glad that my parents missed one thing that was really unbelievable. They saw me hit this great success. It was a blast and we had a lot of laughs. And it was just an amazing time. They passed away. And then after I got, you know, famous, all these haters came out of nowhere.

I feel like I was born and bred to stay self-motivated. I'm not one of those people who ho-hums and feels sorry for himself when something's bad.

That MySpace is the story of the year. Everyone but my mother is on it.

I don't know if I could rebuild an airplane engine, but I know a little bit about rotors and rivets.

I've always read books and loved human behavior since I was ten or twelve years old. Maybe even that's why I wanted to do comedy.

Christina can sing all the notes, but Britney is just hot!

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

I feel like the gods have certainly patted me on the head.

I like to play guitar, jam out, play the blues, go watch movies. I love movies.

I work with a lot of kids. Every year, for the past fifteen years, I work at Comedy Camp where I work with a lot of kids.

I'm completely ecstatic when a woman has own back story and brings something to the table and has a real strong kind of independence.

I'm focused on staying as healthy as I can so I can work more.

I've lived in LA for so long, I don't even know what is real and what isn't any more.

In the year 3000, everything will be instant.

You have to learn the crowd. I just pay attention to them so I can make sure I can make them laugh.

I do try to keep my show very improvisational. I don't work off a set list; I like to keep it more in the moment. I like to have information about where I'm going, what might be happening in that particular region as well. I like for people to feel like the show is for them.

When I'm looking for hot button answers to tough questions, I don't look to congressman or my mayor. I say, 'What would Miss U.S.A. have to say about this?'

One night after a show he gave me a gift. When I opened up the bag, he had made out of clay and dried macaroni a model of the universe with the planets and everything. Then in the middle of the model was an action figure with my face on it. I was the center of his universe.

I think there's a definite template for what can be done for the future, but I'm not going to call myself a trailblazer. It didn't seem like a big idea to me: Let people know you appreciate their loyalty, and you say thank you. I was just doing what those punk bands did with fliers. Stand on the corner and say 'Come check us out.' Instead of fliers, it was going to be instant messages and e-mails.

I can't relate to the idea of suicide. I guess I'm just one of those people that is always optimistic and upbeat. But one day, I sat down. I said 'You know what? Just to kind of purge myself, I want to see what its like to feel that low'. So I decided to write a suicide note. Yeah, just to kinda flush it out there and put it on a page. And I started to do this, and I had an epiphany. I'll share this with you: a suicide note that is written by somebody that is not suicidal is called an autobiography. I am on Chapter 58.

Sometimes sex is just a way to escape having to talk to that person.

Every great thing starts with an idea, followed by a doubt and finally a resolve to abandon or pursue. Victory is a treacherous journey.

When you delete pictures of your ex off your phone, it feels lighter.

When a guy says "I have no idea what you're talking about" it means "I'm thinking of exactly what you're saying I did while I lie to you."

I think beating someone to death with a ukulele would just sound funny.

Text a guy you like right now, "I'm thinking about you." If he says, "mmm are you in bed?" Never speak to him again he's a lifelong moron.

When someone's running late through an airport, I hope they miss their flight so they can meet the love of their life at the duty free shop.

What am I supposed to say to an atheist when he sneezes, ah, when you die nothing happens.

I'm not racist, I've got a black president.

I am going to name a group of my kids after my favorite cartoons, I am going to name them after Transformers.

It's an incredible feeling falling in love someone who doesn't know you exist.

I have never even had a sip of alcohol, never have done drugs. The hardest thing I have ever done would be Pepsi.

I'm not giving up on life. I'm giving up on today.

My grandmother died of natural causes. Or as my family calls it murdered by the lord.

I was home educated but would skip my lessons to go hang out at school.

You can't teach an old hater new truths.

Why do they call it the restroom? Is there anybody just resting in this room?

You know your gut instincts are spot on about a person when you can also detect a water source in the soil beneath them.

You can't become tempted if you just give in a little quicker.

If you're drunk please don't drive. If you're on shrooms please don't think Walmart's a prison for bad clothing that needs help escaping.

When somebody says I wouldn't change a thing they're thinking of something they would change.

Any guy that refers to dating women as the hunt or being on the prowl should be evaluated for a number of conditions.

Saw a lost dog sign with a pic of the dog and a little boy hugging it. I'm assuming the kids safe and we're just focusing on the pooch.

Some people give you that motivation to work harder simply to get the hell away from wherever they are.

If you live far away from a person you no longer want to date just let them know that they are geographically undesirable.

You know you're lazy when you run out of toilet paper and use the cardboard roll to wipe with.

Why do bad guys in movies always love to whistle really slowly?

I'm curious by individuals that embrace half a story so they can justify how incomplete they feel about their own self worth.

Someone needs to make a zombie movie where when you get bit it turns you into a singing and dancing extraordinaire.

You know your girls up to no good when her and her friends make a pact to post nothing on Instagram.

I'm really great in other peoples relationships.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

It's not for any purpose such as religion, health, or things like that, I just never felt I had the need or want to drink or do drugs.

Every joke has its origin - the punching people in the face joke. It hurts like hell to get punched in the face.