Earl Wilson Quotations

This would be a much better world if more married couples were as deeply in love as they are in debt.

You may not be able to read a doctor's handwriting and prescription, but you'll notice his bills are neatly typewritten.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

A vacation is what you take when you can no longer take what you've been taking.

Science may never come up with a better office communication system than the coffee break.

Success is simply a matter of luck. Ask any failure.

Snow and adolescence are the only problems that disappear if you ignore them long enough.

Always remember, money isn't everything - but also remember to make a lot of it before talking such fool nonsense.

One way to get high blood pressure is to go mountain climbing over molehills.

Nonchalance is the ability to remain down to earth when everything else is up in the air.

Nothing is as embarrassing as watching your boss do something you assured him couldn't be done.

A woman may race to get a man a gift but it always ends in a tie.

Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back

Experience is what enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

The fastest way for a politician to become an elder statesman is to lose an election.

Gossip is when you hear something you like about someone you don't.

Isn't it a shame that future generations can't be here to see all the wonderful things we're doing with their money?

Benjamin Franklin may have discovered electricity, but it was the man who invented the meter who made the money.

A baseball game is simply a nervous breakdown divided into nine innings.

Poise: the ability to be ill at ease inconspicuously.

To sell something, tell a woman it's a bargain; tell a man it's deductible.

Courage is the art of being the only one who knows you're scared to death.

Ever notice that the whisper of temptation can be heard farther than the loudest call to duty.

If you wouldn't write it and sign it, don't say it.

He's an honest man - you could shoot craps with him over the telephone.

The man who didn't want his wife to work has been succeeded by the man who asks about her chances of getting a raise.

He was so honest you could play craps with him over the phone.

Middle Age - later than you think and sooner than you expect.

Today's accent may be on youth, but the stress is still on the parents.

Many a standing ovation has been caused by someone jumping to his feet in an effort to beat the rest of the audience to the parking lot.

An exhaustive study of police records shows that no woman has ever shot her husband while he was doing the dishes.

If you look like your passport photo, in all probability you need the journey.

Mathematics-a wonderful science, but it hasn't yet come up with a way to divide one tricycle between three small boys.

He's so snobbish he has an unlisted zip-code.

A bachelor is a guy who leans toward women - but not far enough to lose his balance.

Golf is a lot of walking, broken up by disappointment and bad arithmetic.

Feminists say 60 percent of the country's wealth is in the hands of women. They're letting men hold the other 40 percent because their handbags are full.

No horse can go as fast as the money you put on it.

Saying 'Gesundheit' doesn't really help the common cold - but its about as good as anything the doctors have come up with.

Somebody figured it out- we have 35 million laws trying to enforce Ten Commandments.

There's only one kind of tax that would please everybody - one that nobody but the other guy has to pay.

Women's liberation will not be achieved until a woman can become paunchy and bald and still think she's attractive to the opposite sex.

Success is a matter of luck. If you want proof, ask any failure.

This is the age of bargain hunters. If it had been this way in biblical times, we'd probably have been offered another commandment free if we had accepted the first ten.

Modern man drives a mortgaged car over a bond-financed highway on credit-card gas.

Money in the bank is like toothpaste in the tube. Easy to take out, hard to put back.

Today, there are three kinds of people: the haves, the have-nots, and the have-not-paid-for-what-they-haves.

Somebody figured it out / we have 35 million laws trying to enforce Ten Commandments.

Somebody figured it out -- we have 35 million laws trying to enforce Ten Commandments.

We all know it's a high-profile case, ... I don't know Moe Amery from a hole in the ground, so I had no difficulty in accepting the file.

I've been around, and I see what other cities are doing, and I think, 'Why not us, we're a proud people,'

Nowadays people can be divided into three classes - the haves the have-nots and the have-not-paid-for-what-they-haves

Nowadays people can be divided into three classes -- the haves the have-nots and the have-not-paid-for-what-they-haves

Announcement from the proud parents of a baby daughter. "We have skirted the issue.

A vacation is what you take when can no longer take what you've been taking.

Always remember, money isn't everything -- but also remember to make a lot of it before talking such fool nonsense.

There's certain things that had to be proven beyond a reasonable doubt, ... So I'd have to be able to prove what he said was in fact false and I can't do that.

Gossip, n.: Hearing something you like about someone you don't.

For the parents of a Little Leaguer, a baseball game is simply a nervous breakdown into innings.

For some kids who never even dreamed of going to college, they come to see the games and black football teams and bands from black colleges, and they see what's possible.

You can say this for ready-mixes - the next generation isn't going to have any trouble making pies exactly like mother used to make.