Emo Philips Quotations | Page 3

Libertarians believe consenting adults have the right to do whatever they choose, except band together.

I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!

My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.

I tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse?

I was walking down the street. something caught my eye, and dragged it fifteen feet.

Sex is logically impossible after marriage. You have to overcome the paradox of Not this again, and Hey, where did you learn that?

I've been at stand-up for years: after a while, you get as jaded as the proverbial gynecologist who no longer enjoys drugging and violating his patients.

I was at the Wal-Mart, which is where I think everybody goes eventually. If they die without Christ.

My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour.

My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.

I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.

I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.