Evan Esar Quotations

Definition of Statistics: The science of producing unreliable facts from reliable figures.

The mint makes it first, it is up to you to make it last.

Zoo: An excellent place to study the habits of human beings.

Housework is what a woman does that nobody notices unless she hasn't done it.

A signature always reveals a man's character - and sometimes even his name.

America believes in education: the average professor earns more money in a year than a professional athlete earns in a whole week.

Character is what you have left when you've lost everything you can lose.

Definition of a Statistician: A man who believes figures don't lie, but admits than under analysis some of them won't stand up either.

A hamburger by any other name costs twice as much.

The girl with a future avoids a man with a past.

A husband is like a fire. He goes out when unattended.

A vacation is like love - anticipated with pleasure, experienced with discomfort, and remembered with nostalgia.

Hope is tomorrow's veneer over today's disappointment.

Ego: The only thing that can keep growing without nourishment.

When laziness attacks a woman, it always avoids her tongue.

The trouble with the world is that laziness is seldom curable and never fatal.

You can always make a loan at a bank if you can show sufficient evidence that you don't need it.

A bore finds it easy to start talking, and even easier to get others to stop listening.

An expert is someone who takes something you already know and makes it sound confusing.

The honeymoon is the only period when a woman isn't trying to reform her husband.

If you don't like to make excuses or apologies, stop making promises.

A husband may forget where he went on his honeymoon, but he never forgets why.

The state of the Union largely depends on the state of the unions.

Las Vegas is a resort whose two chief sources of income are seven and eleven.

Many a man who goes to Las Vegas to get away from it all soon finds that Las Vegas gets it all away from him.

The only medicine that needs no prescription, has no unpleasant taste, and costs no money is laughter.

Laugh and the world laughs with you; cry -- and the world laughs harder.

Many a girl who can't dance well makes up for it during intermission.

Some people worry because they are in debt; others, because they can't even get in.

Do a little more every day than you are expected to do, and soon you will be expected to do more.

A cynic sees little to admire in the world, while the world sees even less to admire in him.

The modern dance is no dance in the first place, and when you've finally learned it, it's not modern any more.

The man who doctors himself with the aid of medical books, runs the risk of dying of a typographical error.

Diets show to what great lengths women will go so as not to go to great widths.

A dictator's chief problem is keeping the stomachs of his subjects full while keeping their heads empty.

In a democracy, you believe it or not; in a dictatorship, you believe it or else.

Many people will laugh at the drop of a hat, especially if the man is still in it.

The diamond is the hardest stone -- to get.

Washington is the place where nobody believes a rumor until it has been officially denied.

There's nothing as short as short-term debt.

More diets start in dress shops than in doctors' offices.

Women diet to retain their girlish figures or their boyish husbands.

The trouble with dieting is that a pound of will power takes off only an ounce of weight.

If it required some effort to go from today to tomorrow, some people would always remain in yesterday.

Man is the control experiment of heredity and environment; and since his heredity controls him, he tries to control his environment.

The only thing more certain than the hatred of enemies is the envy of friends.

All men are born equal, but some of them outgrow it.

The only place where you can find equality is in the cemetery.

There is nothing more dignified than a corpse.

Sometimes the unexpected happens when you don't expect a person to come up to expectations.

If you want to know how little your dignity is worth, take it to the pawnbroker.

The difference between two men is usually a woman.

If you want to be different nowadays, just act normal.

All men are created equal and endowed by their Creator with a mighty urge to become otherwise.

Life is a game played on us while we are playing other games.

A dollar saved is a dollar earned but seldom vice versa.

In elections, the undecided vote is usually the deciding factor.

A special skill, like speaking several languages, or keeping your mouth shut in one.

Divorce is the key that opens the strongbox where the bonds of matrimony are kept under wedlock.

Divorce is the price people play for playing with matches.

Many a woman would get a divorce if she could do it without making her husband happy.

Some women get divorces on the grounds of incompatibility; others, on just the first two syllables.

Hindsight is good, foresight is better; but second sight is best of all.

The tongue is the only muscle in the human body that never gets tired [talking].

An instrument that sometimes expresses thought, sometimes obscures thought, but most often replaces thought.

We can't do much about the length of our lives, but we can do plenty about it's width and depth.

Admiration: Our feeling of delight that another person resembles us.

A smart mother suggests that her child bring an apple to his teacher; a smarter mother suggests that he bring a couple of aspirins.

Good teachers cost a lot; but, poor teachers cost a lot more.

The quizzical expression of the monkey at the zoo comes from his wondering whether he is his brother's keeper, or his keeper's brother.

A lecturer often makes you feel dumb at one end and numb at the other.

Lecturers should remember that the capacity of the mind to absorb is limited to what the seat can endure.

The three chief causes of divorce are men, women, and marriage.

A bureaucrat is an official who is clothed with power and whom it doesn't fit.

Bureaucracy is more people doing less things, and taking more time to do them worse.

Experience is a great teacher, and sometimes a pretty teacher is a great experience.

Egocentricity: The vanity that makes you wonder what people are thinking about you when they are really wondering what you are thinking about them.

Egocentric: A person who has his I's too close together.

Egotist: 1. A person who is his own best friend. 2. An I specialist. 3. A man whose opinions all change, except the one he has of himself.

The secret of successful writing lies in striking the right keys on the typewriter.

The lecturer who is full of his subject is usually very slow in emptying himself.

A home in the country is what a city man hopes to buy and a farmer hopes to sell.

If you want to be successful, you must either have a chance or take one.

There's only one kind of common sense but a thousand varieties of stupidity.

The most uncommon form of intelligence is common sense.

Charm is to a woman what perfume is to a flower.

The first requisite for a good cup of coffee in the morning is to get your wife out of bed.

Age brings wisdom to some men, and to others chess.

Some men take good care of a car; others treat it like one of the family.

Only one man has the right to boast, and that's the man who never does.

A woman is always ready to describe another woman as charming, but only if the other woman is not charming.

The reason why men who mind their own business succeed is that they have so little competition.

Don't tear your hair out over a woman; it'll be harder to attract the next one if you're bald.

The only way to cure an egotist from bragging is by surgery--amputation at the neck.

Don't be a hog: the only time a hog helps the community is when he dies.

Communism is a form of society where the less people have to eat, the more they have to swallow.

With a braggart, it's no sooner done than said.

Communism is a form of government under which every citizen at election time enjoys the privilege of voting Yes.

Common sense is usually lack of imagination, and imagination is usually lack of common sense.

A man picks a wife about the same way an apple picks a farmer.