Frank Zappa Quotations

Some scientists claim that hydrogen, because it is so plentiful, is the basic building block of the universe. I dispute that. I say there is more stupidity than hydrogen, and that is the basic building block of the universe.

All the good music has already been written by people with wigs and stuff.

One of my favorite philosophical tenets is that people will agree with you only if they already agree with you. You do not change people's minds.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

Art is making something out of nothing and selling it.

Most rock journalism is people who can't write, interviewing people who can't talk, for people who can't read.

Communism doesn't work because people like to own stuff.

If you want to get laid, go to college. If you want an education, go to the library.

The computer can't tell you the emotional story. It can give you the exact mathematical design, but what's missing is the eyebrows.

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.

Without music to decorate it, time is just a bunch of boring production deadlines or dates by which bills must be paid.

You can't always write a chord ugly enough to say what you want to say, so sometimes you have to rely on a giraffe filled with whipped cream.

I searched for years I found no love. I'm sure that love will never be a product of plasticity.

I never set out to be weird. It was always other people who called me weird.

There are more love songs than anything else. If songs could make you do something we'd all love one another.

Everybody believes in something and everybody, by virtue of the fact that they believe in something, uses that something to support their own existence.

A composer is a guy who goes around forcing his will on unsuspecting air molecules, often with the assistance of unsuspecting musicians.

Music, in performance, is a type of sculpture. The air in the performance is sculpted into something.

It isn't necessary to imagine the world ending in fire or ice. There are two other possibilities: one is paperwork, and the other is nostalgia. Eventually within the next quarter of a century, the nostalgia cycles will be so close together that people will not be able to take a step without being nostalgic for the one they just took. At that point, everything stops. Death by Nostalgia.

The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced.

No change in musical style will survive unless it is accompanied by a change in clothing style. Rock is to dress up to.

Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass.

No, I don't think people really give a shit about that (meeting one's maker) unless they're completely bamboozled by religious superstition - to live your life in planning for this good time you're going to have in the sky

I believe that people have a right to decide their own destiny; people own themselves. I also believe that, in a democracy, government exists because (and only as long as) individual citizens give it a "temporary license to exist" - in exchange for a promise that it will behave itself. In a democracy you own the government - it doesn't own you. Along with this comes a responsibility to ensure that individual actions, in the pursuit of a personal destiny, do not threaten the well-being of others while the "pursuit" is in progress.

Jazz is not dead - it just smells funny

Jesus will think you're a jerk. And it would be true.

Rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing people who can't talk for people who can't read

I think pop music has done more for oral intercourse than anything else that ever happened, and vice versa.

Most rock journalism is people who can not write interviewing people who can not talk

It would be easier to pay off the national debt overnight than to neutralize the long-range effects of our national stupidity

Some people crave baseball - I find this unfathomable but I can easily understand why a person could get excited about playing a bassoon

Do you love it - do you hate it? There it is the way you made it

Anything, Any time, Anywhere - for no Reason at All.

In a fight between you and the world, pick the world

Cocaine decisions that you make today, will mean nothing later on when you get nose decay.

In your dreams you can see yourself as a prophet saving the world.

He just got in the car, but the batteries dead. So he asks to use the phone and she gives him some head.

Her head is full of bubbles, her nose is petite, she looks like she never gets nothing to eat.

Hey ugly folks, go get some cyanide and die.

Tosses her head and flips her hair, she got a whole bunch of nothing in there.

Hair growing out every hole in me.

Listen honey, would I lie to you to get in your pants?

Our big prize tonight is fifty American dollars to the girl with the most exciting mammalian protuberances.

She was a steady date until she put on some weight.

Elmer has the mentality of approximately one peanut.

What kind of man can name a child Moon Unit?

Donnie and Marie can both take a bite.

I never have no trouble with my rubber girl.

I want a hairy little Jewish Princess with a brand new nose, who knows where it goes.

Tighten my headband for an extra rush.

Elvis has left the building to climb up that heavenly stair. So what if he looks like a wart-hog in heat?

King of kings, that must be Elvis.

The devil, he's about this big. He had a red suit on and a widow's peak, and then a pointed tail, and like a sulfur reek. Yes, it was him alright, I swear.

It's the same mysterious exotic oriental fragrance as what the Beatles get off on.

We was on our way to fame, got matching suits and Beatle boots.

Wowie zowie, love me do. Wowie zowie, and I'll love you, too.

Ram it up your poop chute.

I want a steamy little Jewish Princess with over-worked gums, who squeaks when she cums. I don't want no troll, I just want a Yemenite hole.

Sexual gratification can only be achieved through the use of machines.

Find you a bridge and take a jump. Just make certain you do it right the first time, cause nothing's worse than a suicide chump.

Stuff up the cracks, turn on the gas, I'm gonna take my life.

Michael is Janet and Janet is Michael.

She is an office girl, her name is Betty. Her favorite group is Helen Reddy.

They were wearing smelly blankets, they looked like Donovan fans.

Moses, Aaron, Abraham, they're all a waste of time. It's your ass that's on the line.

This is a stupid song and that's the way I like it.

I proceeded to take that mitten full of the deadly yellow snow crystals and rub it all into his beady little eyes with a vigorous circular motion.

Unbind your mind, there is no time.

My guitar wants to kill your mama.

Out on a 30 day tour, you got nothing, but groupies and promoters to love you.

These girls wouldn't let just anybody spew on their vital parts, they wanted a guy from a group with a big hit song on the charts.

Love of my life, I love you so. Love of my life, don't ever go.

The closer you are, the brighter the flames in my heart.

One and one is eleven.

The plumber he says, never flush a tampon. This is great information, cost me half a weeks pay.

Give me the enchilada with the pickle sauce shoved up between the donkey's ass.

Did he really choose Tammy to do his work?

Catholic girls with tiny little mustaches.

Mama stroked his dinger, Daddy got stinky finger.

Our criminal institutions are full of creeps like you who do wrong things, and many of them were driven to these crimes by the horrible force called music.

You are what you is, you is what you am, you ain't what you're not. So see what you got?

All that we got here is American made. It's a little bit cheesy, but it's nicely displayed.

Environmental laws were not passed to protect our air and water, they were passed to get votes.

Journalism is kind of scary and of it we should be wary.

Just be glad you don't live in one of those little countries where at this very moment, music is severely restricted, or as it is in Iran, totally illegal.

The NRA, with the fingers on the triggers when they kneel and pray.

Wisdom is not the domain of the Wiz.

Left me here to cry alone with a bottle of juice and pork chop bone.

She use to knock me out until her face broke out.

You don't dig me, I don't understand what it is, I had my car reupholstered.

It's two o'clock in the morning, they're not going to get any nooky anyway, so this one guy and the guy with the t-shirt guy started sniffing the girls panties.

Classical music is this music that was written by a bunch of dead people a long time ago.

Hey, let's get serious... God knows what he's doin' He wrote this book here And the book says: 'He made us all to be just like Him', So... If we're dumb... Then God is dumb... (And maybe even a little ugly on the side)

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer.

I'm not going to be Bill Clinton and say I never inhaled. I did inhale. I liked tobacco a lot better.

Ever try to have a conversation with someone on drugs? It just doesn't work...

It's a despicable thing to share your personal inner torment for money.

I want a girl that can swallow my pride.

I detest 'love lyrics.' I think one of the causes of bad mental health in the United States is that people have been raised on 'love lyrics.

Producing satire is kind of hopeless because of the literacy rate of the American public.