George Burns Quotations | Page 2

If I paid $3 or $4 for a cigar, first I'd sleep with it.

When I die I intend to take my music with me. I don't know what's out there, but I want to make sure it's in my key.

People are always asking me how much I'm worth. Well, all I can say is, I've got enough money to last me the rest of my life. As long as I die in the next 20 minutes.

When they saw me walking down the street smoking a cigar, they'd say, 'Hey, that 14-year-old kid may be going places.' Of course it's also a good prop on the stage ... When you can't think of what you're supposed to say next, you can puff on your cigar until you think of your next line.

I use the cigar for timing purposes. If I tell a joke, I smoke as long as they laugh and when they stop laughing I take the cigar out of my mouth and start my next joke.

Life's but a day at most.

Everyday happiness means getting up in the morning, and you can't wait to finish your breakfast. You can't wait to do your exercises. You can't wait to put on your clothes. You can't wait to get out. And you can't wait to come home, because the soup is hot.

I can't afford to die; I'd lose too much money.

I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now - I'm booked.

I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something.