Greg Behrendt Quotations

I think probably - I think, you know, when you're first dating somebody, if they're just not that physical with you, if they don't want to make concrete plans with you, you know, if they're sort of ambiguous about where everything is going, I think that's a pretty good sign that they're not into you.

The one cool thing with getting older is that you can actively choose to just be an eccentric.

I love astute observations and really great wordplay. I love the way that Louis C.K. observes life, and I love the way Patton Oswalt talks about it.

I don't know if you know you're funny, but you enjoy being funny. I know I'm funny because people tell me I am, but when I watch myself, it doesn't make me laugh. Does that make sense? Because I know the jokes, and to me, I feel like I'm pulling the wool over people's eyes. And there are probably people who do not enjoy what I do.

Ive learned that anything in life worth having comes from patience and hard work.

I do think that you can dress yourself out of a problem. The way that a haircut and a new pair of pants can make you feel is better than any therapist, because when you look in the mirror, you see a different person - you are a different person. It's superficial change that can lead to real change.

Most comics worship music on some level. It's more rock-n-roll to get up there for an hour and make people laugh.

Part of being a comedian is that it's your job to look at life and regurgitate it in a funny way, to point out its absurdities.

I saw Aerosmith, and I was like, 'Wow, you can dress like a girl and still get girls? Hand me a scarf!'

The best thing that can happen in a relationship is when you are the same person you were before the relationship started. You are not hiding anything, and you still have a life of your own. The other best thing is sex - that is a super positive.

I've never tried to pass myself off as anything more than a comedian who wrote a dating book.

I rarely sit down to write something. I usually have an experience and relate it to somebody and go, 'There I connected some dots,' you know? That's what makes people laugh. And then you go and take it on the stage, and sometimes it works, and sometimes people go, 'What's he talking about?' I don't know; I thought it was it funny in the kitchen.

Most authors writing books like 'He's Just Not That Into You' dream of doing what I was being asked to do. I didn't like it. I'm good at giving advice, but doing it on TV and radio felt wrong, and when people resisted my point of view, I was like, 'Why am I doing this? This was not the plan.' So I stopped. It didn't make me feel good.

I get giddy with the idea of stringing words together that make people laugh.

This life is yours and no one else's, and if you spend your time looking at other people's pages, you'll never get anything done.

We were raised to pursue women... Most of the guys I know enjoy the pursuit. But that doesn't mean women should be wallflowers.

I don't have a massive fan base. I don't have Patton Oswalt numbers, but the fan base I have is incredibly generous, and of the 22,000 people who follow me on Twitter, I think almost all of those people participate.

I was always funny, but I wasn't a great musician, and I wanted to be a musician way more than I wanted to be a comic. I just didn't think comedians were cool when I was a kid.

I went to stand-up when my rock n' roll dreams weren't coming true. I knew it wasn't going to happen when I was in a New Wave band in 1992 - at the height of grunge. Then I heard No Doubt's 'Spiderwebs' and I said, 'Well, we're done.' They did - and succeeded at - what we were trying to do.

I'm not a big fan of comedy roasts because most of the time I find them to be really mean, but once in a while, you'll hear something perfectly worded and well-crafted.

Social media is a really cool way to tell your story to people who are interested in hearing it. It's not getting put through the filter of a television executive who's decided you're too old to justify the expenditure.

The great thing about comedy is that the longer you've been alive, the more you have to talk about and the better you get. I've got some miles and some road savviness that some other guys don't have.

I don't have to edit myself, ... I get to be me, warts and all, and that's ultimately what people want, and to trust each other implicitly.

was confident enough in himself to let me enjoy the relationship at my own pace. He was so in the moment all the time.

The whole point of the book is to say, 'You're not alone. We get it,' ... For me, a breakup changed my entire life. I was a mess. I really got rocked, and I ended up turning it into a positive thing.

It's the prettiest place on the planet, ... My childhood was like a dream. It's like the last Mayberry.

It takes you right back to Page One again.

I'm fascinated with human relationships, ... I advocate the relationship you have with yourself.

Can you deep fry the bacon? Oh how I wish you would...

My wife's beautiful. That's why I married her. Because I want to see her every day.

I don't have to edit myself. I get to be me, warts and all, and that's ultimately what people want, and to trust each other implicitly.

So, I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play.

I'm certain prison is pretty rough as it is but imagine if you were a murderer and a foodie!

People say get a job doing something you love. So far no one has offered to hire me to eat Whoppers with a switchblade.

People don't admire you for what you hate, they admire you for what you do about it, and your slacks.

Good enough to tweet, not to say.

I always tell people it's funny that they think I'm a relationship expert because my two books are about getting out of relationships.

For me, a breakup changed my entire life. I was a mess. I really got rocked, and I ended up turning it into a positive thing.

Wasting time in a relationship that blows is just that - wasted time.

It`s the prettiest place on the planet. My childhood was like a dream. It`s like the last Mayberry.

Lying, cheating, hiding is the exact opposite of the behavior of a man who's really into you.

Don't idolize anyone if you can. You know, be inspired by people, certainly, but don't idolize people... Because they'll let you down.

I like the idea that when a guy comes over to the house, I get to say I wrote the book.

Two people in a relationship either grow together or apart over time.

If he's choosing not to make a simple effort that would put you at ease and bring harmony to a recurring fight, then he doesn't respect your feelings and needs.

Turning a breakup into a break-over ... We want women to know that as bad as it can be, it can also be an opportunity to reinvent yourself.

I have less friends, but I have more Cadbury Eggs.

Young people are gross with their faces and their hope.

He's just not that into you if he only wants to see you when he's drunk. If he likes you, he'll want to see you when his judgment isn't impaired.

There are only so many ways to get people to go see stand-up, that it really is about the product; it's not so much about the theme of the show.

I have two rules when you come to my house on Halloween. Wear a costume - 'cause if you've manned your door at your own house, you know how many kids will roll up, 14 years old with no costume and an attitude. My other rule: don't grab. Let me assess you and then design a candy situation for you.

Be yourself. If something you do doesn't work, don't do it the next time. Listen to yourself - you know what appropriate behavior is.

I believe in love in hindsight, meaning attraction and connection can be remembered as love at first sight. But how could you possibly know at first sight? That's too much pressure to put on a relationship.

Drinking, eating, shopping, revenge, rebound sex, drugs or whatever your poison may be will number the pain - but that's all.

If I had butterscotch pants and a cheetah sweater... I'd be just fine.

It is with great sadness and a heavy heart that have to announce that I ate kale and liked it.

So, I'm 34. I'm kind of becoming an adult - kind of, I guess. But I know that I am because, the other day, I said to somebody, 'Dude, dude, don't - those are the good plates.

How many presidents, do you think, ever said to another guy: 'I can't believe we're doing this in the White House'?

I'm just not interested in daytime television, which is something you should remember the next time somebody offers you a daytime talk show.

I always say that I love magic but I hate magicians. I like being fooled. If you wave your hands in front of my face and I think you're doing a trick, I'm easily impressed. If you pull a quarter out of my ear, I'm quite certain you're a wizard. But I don't like the way most magicians don't act like they're magical; they act like show business dicks.

The pain of being in a bad relationship is confusing. When it's over - it's over. No more confusion!

Cheating gets easier every time it's done. It's only hard the first time, when one feels the sting of morality and the guilt of betraying someone's trust.

If we're friends with someone and attracted to them, we're going to want to take it further.

Men, for the most part, like to pursue women. We like not knowing if we can catch you. We feel rewarded when we do. Especially when the chase is a long one.

When we're picking someone who we want to spend a lot of time with, even perhaps for the rest of our lives, we generally try to pick someone who likes to do the things we like to do.

I mean, I feel like you can kill the same bird with both stones.

Having feelings doesn't mean you have to have sex.

When a guy is into you, he lets you know it. He calls, he shows up, he wants to meet your friends, he can't keep his eyes or hands off of you.

I want you to be yourself, but not with other dudes.

I will go anywhere if you say the phrase 'there might be cake.' I would go to the Department of Motor Vehicles, register somebody else's boat in Spanish, a language I do not speak, without ID - for cake.

I'm no longer a prisoner of my fears. Which really just means I'm using real butter.

She didn't love me that much, but she moved in with me. That's a plus. And then one night, I caught her making out with another dude on the driveway. That's a minus.

He's just not that into you if he's not asking you out. Because if he likes you, trust me, he will ask you out.

Life's biggest rewards come from the biggest challenges

Cheaters are people who have a lot of stuff to work out, and they're working it out on your time and with your heart.

Men like to chase and you have to let us chase you. I know. It's insulting. It's frustrating. It's unfortunately the truth.

Uncool is a cool resting place. The pressure's off me.

I'm fascinated with human relationships. I advocate the relationship you have with yourself.

A man would rather be trampled by elephants on fire than tell you he's just not that into you.

There's a guy out there who's going to be really happy that you didn't get back together with your crappy ex-boyfriend.

There's a guy out there who will want to tell everyone that he is your boyfriend. Quit goofing around and go find him.

Always be classy. Never be crazy.

Don't waste the pretty

Breakups hurt like a motherf*#ker, but they are not the end of the world. The pain is temporary, and if handled properly, they can even be life-changing.

Being brokenhearted is like having broken ribs. On the outside it looks like nothing's wrong, but every breath hurts.

The time it takes to feel better about a breakup is directly proportional to the time it takes to feel better about yourself.

Well, I knew instantly when I met my wife what a good relationship it was, compared with what I had been doing for the previous 20-odd years. She is my buddy, my partner, my friend. And part of being a comedian is that it's your job to look at life and regurgitate it in a funny way, to point out its absurdities.

Remember always what you set out to get, and please don’t settle for less.

But he was so great!' Yes, and the people who got on the Titanic thought they were going on a vacation

I'm just saying, tonight, if you're going through a breakup and you're drinking, don't call. Just don't do it. Don't call. Because here's the thing: booze has information in it!

There are three kinda men in the world. There's men that own rope, men that use eye creme, and that dude from Nickleback.

Most people don't want to leave their wife and children behind but many people seem to want to take leave of themselves.

It's time to stop pretending I'm ok with things I'm not ok with like all insects and Foster the People.

If my father is walking around going, 'Mmm, pussy,' he's thinking about eating the cat.

Try not to be four years into a relationship when it suddenly dawns on you that the guy you're with is a big, selfish jerk.

My daughter genuinely asked me to hand her the basketball bat. I might be failing as a father.

Every time you see him, you only make yourself vulnerable to further heartache. Do you really need further proof that he's getting on with his life without you?

If you date, you will meet your share of weirdos and jerks. That is as sure as death and taxes.

My buddy Tom... he'd been chasing a girl for two years, and he got her the old-fashioned way - dates and listening.

A good indication that it's not is if you're only staying with What's His Name because you're scared.