Jackie Mason Quotations

I didn't think it was fair to pretend to give of myself when I was so selfishly consumed with my own drives.

My material is as new as anything on the dinner table. What difference does it make if I'm 70 or if I'm 20? The audience knows they aren't getting any old stories from me.

I don't believe that anybody has come to a conclusion on why something is funny. It's funny because it's ridiculous and it's ridiculous for different reasons at different times.

By these things examine thyself. By whose rules am I acting; in whose name; in whose strength; in whose glory? What faith, humility, self-denial, and love of God and to man have there been in all my actions?

Would you put a pastrami in your mouth if you didn't want to eat it?

My comedy doesn't come from any calculations and studies.

You know how many stunning women told me they can't stand a good-looking man? ... Women feel secure with an ugly guy because a man in bad shape isn't gonna cheat.

Honesty is nothin' compared to decency.

I can't pretend that I'm a great student of the art of comedy because anybody that becomes philosophical about humour doesn't know what he's talking about.

I have nothing but love in my heart and everything I say is just an instrument for laughs.