Jim Jefferies Quotations

I have a financial advisor who advises me but he wouldn't reckon himself to be involved 'in the game'.

We're obviously disappointed to have dropped two points, but the other results on the day haven't been too bad for us.

I think there will be a lot of people interested in the job. Hearts are a fantastic club with a great support and an owner who wants success and there is nothing wrong with that.

Last season we put together a young team and suffered because of inconsistency. Now we need to achieve a level of consistency and so far, so good.

I think his head was still in the clouds from his goal.

We were made to work for the three points but that is the top six now.

Coventry played well that day and created a few chances but we punished them,

It was a cardinal error. You've got to defend the corner with a lot more determination than we did.

It was a blow to lose Steven so early. We need the energy that he gives us.

It was a cracking game of football, with two teams going hammer and tongs for 90 minutes. These players always keep going to the end and have done that four or five times already this season.

I'm not trying to criticise Kris but I think he knows if he isn't scoring, he's got to do a bit more. He has to do his bit for the team and work harder if he wants to move on.

If you're going to win games like this, the perfectly good goals you score have to stand and you have to take your chances; we didn't today and got punished for it.

Gary was the pick of the bunch for me, he was magnificent. Maybe it's time Walter was here. He controlled the midfield, switched the play and made some great tackles.

Gary has been waiting for his chance. His link-up play is good and he works so hard for the team.

He's not going to cost me a lot of money and if he gets into the first team it will be a bonus.

I don't listen to Raymond Sparkes because he has no standing in the game so I don't bother about him one little bit. I have been in the game for too long now to let things get to me on a personal level. I heard a comment that he had 24 years in the game, but he's an agent. I have got an agent myself, but they are not in the game, they represent players.

I don't want people to leave the show being upset. So if I am trying to do a new joke, and sometimes I will talk about things like gun control or hostile massacre and I notice people being upset I will change the direction.

Because of the way I've made my money or the way I've conducted myself in public to get success, it doesn't make me any better a person. So I always thought money and achievement would make me a more legitimate person, where my family seems to think it's all about actions.

Having your own show, where you're not in trouble all the time, because you're kind of the boss, is a wonderful experience. If I made mistakes everyone was very nice to me.

Stand-up is just me trying to be as funny as possible in the most concentrated hour with me standing on stage with no storyline, no plot line, and no character development.

With acting, it [auditioning] is very frustrating. I'm not very good at auditions. Sometimes I audition for a role and I'm like, I'd be really funny in that role, but I'm not good at auditions so I guess I'm not getting that role. It's a very frustrating job.

Myself and Jamie Moffat did not agree on everything but he always knew I had the experience.

I think only things that are personal to us offend us. It's always bizarre when people who would normally laugh at an AIDS joke won't laugh at a cancer joke, but far more people know somebody who's died from cancer.

Every comedian is just doing the comedy they find funny. This is me and it's not clean in any way. I could get a lot more work on TV playing clean but it's never interesting.

There are two types of actors. There's the actors who can acknowledge that they could never do standup comedy. Then there's the pretentious ones, who believe that acting is harder than standup comedy. I definitely don't think it is. I also think making a comedy is substantially harder than making a drama.

I always wanted to be a comedian. I loved comedy since I was a little kid, and while I was at university I started doing stand up shows. Once I realized that I was good at it I quit college and left although I had six months left. I went to England. I could have done the last six months but I realized that I was better at standup comedy than I was at singing opera.

I wouldn't mind gigging around the same era as Jesus, after he gives his speech about the meek and how blessed they are and all that type of bullshit, going up there and doing a flat 20 [minutes]. I reckon I'd have better stagecraft and presence than Jesus. Yea, I'm a better stand-up comedian than Jesus, so I reckon I could go on after him.

I was 13 when I was started questioning and 16 when I stopped believing in God.

I don't write my standup on paper or anything; but I just organically do it on stage, have an idea, chat it up a little bit. I'm keeping notes. I'm trying to keep up with this world and try to bring out a special every year.

No matter how successful I got, my mother still thinks I'm a bad person, basically.

As for basic jokes about sex and even my religious stuff, I don't find any problems with that, even if I'm gigging in the Bible Belt, because religious people don't come and see me.

I have tried reading the Bible but that's a tough read there. I watch a lot of religious documentaries. I have a keen interest in religion for someone who's not religious.

I don't think I've ever prayed in my entire life, never sat and had an imaginary chat with God.

Can't punch women in the face!

God built the world, but he did not know it was round.

I wouldn't perform in front of the Nazis. I hear they didn't take freedom of speech too well. It would be a fun gig to rip into them, but I don't think the ending would be great for me.

Nobody cares that you're smart and nobody cares that your kids don't have bruises.

There's two types of hecklers. If someone says something really funny it's normally them heckling as part of the show. They're trying to add onto one of your jokes. If someone says something really funny, I've never seen a comedian abuse them, you always sort of tip your hat a little bit if they nail it.

I can't imagine being a woman in the world of acting, like where you age starts to weigh you down - you go from being attractive to where they [directors] decided you're out... I feel like with stand-up comedy, it doesn't matter if I've gotten fatter.

Before doing stand-up, I thought acting was easy - it's not easy. It's a hard life. It's easy in its own way, you just stand there and talk. But there is a difference between people who can do it well and people who can't.

I definitely think the formula to making my character seem sweet is to let him act like a jerk, give him a redeeming moment, and have a sweet song playing over the background when it happens.

I've never been the type of guy that had a lot of friends or was part of the cool group.

There's a lot of guys up there who like wearing a suit or try doing jokes that they think will play to a certain crowd, or maybe get them corporate work. I've always written jokes that I would want to hear. So, I'm trying to entertain myself more than anything.

I want to make people think, and I don't want to come across like I am egotistical or that I want to change people's thoughts. I don't believe that as a comic I can convert anyone's opinion. I think I can maybe make someone look in one direction or the other but I can't make a religious person stop believing in God.

We have a drinking game in Australia, it's called drinking.

Here's the thing about people who believe in god... They're idiots.

In the stand-up comedy top, there's room for everyone - if you're good, there's room for everyone. You'll put on your own show - no one casts you. You cast your own show as a stand-up comedian. When you get good at stand-up comedy you book a theater and if people show up, people show up. If people don't show up, people don't show up. You don't have a director or a casting agent or anybody saying if you're good enough - the audience will decide.

Christians are like a thirteen year old kid who still believes in Santa.

If you hate gay marriage, then don't marry a gay person.

I always get a little bit pissed off when stand-up comedy is not recognised as being as good a craft as being an actor. We give Oscars to people and it's like, 'Aw, this person is the greatest person on earth', but being an actor is pretty easy in comparison to stand-up comedy. It's no surprise that several stand-up comics have gone on to become great actors. I don't know any great actors that have gone on to become great stand-up comics.

I'm not scared of dying, because I'm an atheist. I won't even know I'm dead. You know why? Because I'll be fùckin' dead.

Do you think pandas know they're Chinese and they're taking the one child policy a bit too seriously?

The thing about crazy people; they don't know they are crazy, that's what make them crazy.