Joe E. Lewis, born Joseph Klewan in New York City, was an American comedian and singer... (wikipedia)
I always wake up at the crack of ice.
I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
I play in the low 80s. If it's any hotter than that, I won't play.
I've been on such a losing streak that if I had been around I would have taken General Custer and given points.
They had me on the operating table all day. They looked into my stomach, my gall bladder, they examined everything inside of me. Know what they decided? I need glasses.
It pays to get drunk with the best people.
There's only one thing money won't buy, and that is poverty.
Show me a friend in need and I'll show you a pest.
You only live once - but if you work it right, once is enough.
Whenever someone asks me if I want water with my Scotch, I say I'm thirsty, not dirty.
A man is never drunk if he can lay on the floor without holding on.
It doesn't matter whether you are rich or poor - as long as you've got money.
Adlai Stevenson has a genius for saying the right thing, at the right time, to the wrong people.
I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster.
Show me a man with both feet on the ground and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants on.
I'm still chasing girls. I don't remember what for, but I'm still chasing them.
You are only young once, and if you work it right, once is enough.
If you want to make a dangerous man your friend, let him do you a favor.
I don't like money actually, but it quiets the nerves.
I don't drink any more than the man next to me, and the man next to me is Dean Martin.
Show me a man with very little money and I will show you a bum.
I would take a bomb, but I can't stand the noise.
Boys, I have been rich and I have been poor, and believe me being rich is better.
Rooting for the Yankees is like rooting for U.S. Steel.
I met with an accident on the way to the track; I arrived safely.
If you drink like a fish, don't drive: swim.
I know a lot more old drunks than old doctors.
I never went to school beyond the 3rd grade, but my mother taught me the difference between right and wrong.
We can afford almost any mistake once.
I drink to forget I drink.
Whenever someone asks me if I want water with my scotch, I say, I'm thirsty, not dirty.
You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to roll over and float on his back, then you got something!
I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks.
I don’t drink anymore - just the same amount.