Joy Maniscalco Quotations

No one should ever feel bad about themselves when the hot guy talks to the ugly girl instead. There's nothing wrong with you. I'm sure you looked like a certified 20 and your cleavage was noteworthy. Don't go home and cry because, "no one even looked at you". I've solved this disturbing puzzle and here's the bottom line- She was drunk, he was horny. She was easy, and he'll just hit it from the back so he doesn't have to look at her ugly face.

I don't believe chivalry is dead, but I believe it's on the cusp. Listen, no one is expecting Frank Sinatra on their date. I'd probably laugh if a guy threw his coat on the floor for me, but there's no reason a guy shouldn't have common courtesy and respect for the woman he's interested in.

If a guy tells you he no longer wants to be with you, but he still calls at odd hours of the night to ""hang out"", don't take that as a sign that he's still interested in you. The only thing he's interested in, is what's in between your thighs.

Have you looked around lately? There are more muffin-top, camel-toe, wedgie-assed women on the street than hotdog stands! These women need to take a hard look in the mirror, and be honest with themselves. No one knows what size is labeled on the inside of your clothes. Please, for the love of God, buy the bigger size, because we're all a bit tired of looking at the outline of your labia!

When you do find love--real love, it's the most wonderful, awful feeling in the world. There's nothing like it. Love can make you feel invincible and vulnerable all at the same time. You're trusting someone with the most precious part of you...your heart

The grass always looks greener on the other side. Do we ever stop to think why? Maybe it's because we neglect our own grass...sometimes we stop watering it and it dries out, sometimes we let some weeds grow instead of pulling them out and sometimes we fail to recognize that new seeds need to be planted where the grass has become bare. In order for something to stay in bloom you have to nurture it, no matter what side of the fence you're on.

We have a choice...we can either rally up every miserable, single person in the city and have a giant pitty party, or we can put on our big-girl pants and celebrate singleness.

Real love isn't ordinary. Real love isn't artificial. Real love isn't something you can buy or manufacture, because it's not something you can sell. It doesn't wash away with a rainy day or evaporate when things get too heated. It sustains itself because that's what your heart does, it sustains the rest of you.

Some day you'll have someone worth holding on to... Someone who won't ever want to let you go...Someone who won't make you wonder if they were the one who got away, because that someone will be right there beside you, thanking the other someone who let you get away.

Don't be anyone's side dish. If you're in this kind of situation and I'm offending you that's just too bad, because you need to hear it. Reality Check- A man doesn't want a side of broccoli when he has a giant steak in front of him. FYI- You're not the steak.

Excuse me, but whatever you're drinking, I'll take a double, because clearly you've entered another dimension if you're talking to this troll!

If you know someone is going to punch you, should you close your eyes and pretend it's not going to happen? or should you be alert, eyes wide open, ready to defend yourself? I don't know about you, but I'd rather see the punch coming than get hit when I'm not looking. Will I be in pain either way? Yes, but I'll have the band aid ready.

I think nostalgia takes over when we think about people we once loved, and we tend to pick out all of the good parts. I could very easily sit here and say I still think about the one that got away, but the truth of the matter is that he didn't get away, he walked away...and I'm the girl he walked away from.

Being comfortable with someone doesn't necessarily mean they feel some deep rooted connection with you, sometimes it just means they're too lazy to impress you any longer than they feel necessary

If he is in fact 'unhappy in his relationship' it's not your job to console him. If his chick 'doesn't understand him' it's not your job to psychoanalyze him. If she's 'not paying enough attention to him' it's not your job to dote over him. It's certainly not your place to do any other 'job' either, if you catch my drift.

I don't need a man to make me happy. I want a man who adds to my happiness in a way that is so indescribable, not even Webster could find written word to explain it.

The common misconception is that women who like to be treated a certain way are high maintenance. It's not being high maintenance, it's called having class