Karl Pilkington Quotations

And we've got a toaster and everything. So there is no reason for the wedding.

I sometimes wonder how we're short of cod. There's gonna be a load deep down that are hiding. But it's a good reason to put the price up, and it means a load of people will have haddock. They should tell people they're running out of all sorts. Make 'em panic a bit.

I'm not that lazy, but I don't need that much money. I lead a fairly simple life.

I've done some luxury flying, which is brilliant. It has only happened once or twice, but it was nice because flying is the worst part of the holiday. But then again, if the plane crashes, you're still dead. For that much money I'd want a little capsule that whizzed me off to safety if it was going to crash.

When you've been on a programme called 'An Idiot Abroad' job offers aren't exactly flying in.

It would be spiteful to put a Jellyfish in a trifle.

I've learnt that, even though I've travelled about, I haven't changed that much.

Yesterday, I did some painting then went out to buy an onion and came home and watched 'University Challenge.' The onion was probably the highlight.

You can only live to be so old, then you gotta let go.

At the end of the day, teachers aren't going to mess about trying to make me into an Einstein, 'cause it was never gonna happen. We can't all be brainy, can we? That's just the way the world is.

But I'm not an idiot. At the end of the day, I've learned a lot.

People who live in a glass house have to answer the door.

I came face-to-face with a gorilla which was quite good, but it was a 10-hour trek in bad weather, up hills, covered in mud, with mosquitoes everywhere and when we got there the gorilla's just sat there doing nowt.

Everyone is living for everyone else now. They're doing stuff so they can tell other people about it. I don't get all that social media stuff, I've always got other things I want to do - odd jobs around the house. No one wants to hear about that.

People eat duck and you think, well, we've got loads of chickens, leave the ducks alone!

They say it all started out with a big bang. But, what I wonder is, was it a big bang or did it just seem big because there wasn't anything else drown it out at the time?

When I go on holiday and people ask me what I do, I tell them I do some internet stuff and I've done a couple of books and I hope they just leave it at that.

Parrots have gone a bit quiet since pirates have gone.

The reason I did the book about holidays is that you're a different person on holiday. You're sleeping somewhere unfamiliar, knocking about with people you've never met and for 10 days you're someone else. You're out of your comfortable zone.

If you sit in a bath of pineapple chunks, it can kill you. That's well documented.

It's not easy keeping a diary. You have to be pretty committed.

Getting old is better than being young. You can do what you want to do.

I am into nature and seeing whales. I went whale-watching, and I was really looking forward to that, but when you see it on TV and you see other programs do it, you're seeing close-ups of these massive creatures, and the music that's added gives you a certain feeling.

I really can't believe what a state the Pyramids are in. I thought they had flat rendered sides, but when you get up close, you see how they are just giant boulders balanced on top of each other, like a massive game of Jenga that has got out of hand.

I think it's mental to pay for water. Where is that water coming from? Are they in the hills puttin' it into bottles when years ago it used to roll down and go into the lakes?

I love nature - it's probably my most favorite thing. I don't watch much telly, the telly hardly goes on, but the things I do watch are sort of nature programs, and something about the oceans and the amount of weird fish that's in there.

We'll all die out eventually. Humans will be gone. And all I'm saying is, when people worry about polar bears disappearing or whatever, it's like, 'Well that's life, things will come and go, we'll find new species.'

I say have the night and give people the awards, but why do people want to watch people win awards? What are they getting out of it? I don't quite get it. Because they have awards all the time; there's awards for butchers, the best meat served, but they don't televise it. I don't know why they do it for films or TV programs.

For me, a good holiday is about value for money rather than things to see.

Being honest with you, it's not the 'great' wall of China. It's an all right wall. It's the 'All Right Wall of China.'

With evolution, things are always changing, so I sort of think: Should we all be growing three heads?

I've never understood the 'things to do before you die' idea. If I was ill, I'd be in no mood to have a swim with a dolphin.

I'd rather live in a cave with a view of a palace than live in a palace with a view of a cave.

I went whale-watching, and I was really looking forward to that, but when you see it on TV and you see other programs do it, you're seeing close-ups of these massive creatures, and the music that's added gives you a certain feeling. But in reality, you're stuck on a boat that's bobbing up and down, you feel sick, the whale isn't there on demand.

People say if bees die out, the world would end, apparently. Now, I don't know if that's true, if that's some bee enthusiast who managed to write a good document, and people believe this.

I drive a car, like an adult. Not brilliantly. I'm not great.

The poorer people and criminals of Mexico who are not very religious but not quite atheists, either, worship Saint Death.

I'd say the best is when I was in Africa, I saw a hippo in a house. Someone had a pet hippo. And they're meant to be one of the most dangerous animals on the planet, and they had one that was sort of just wandering in and out of their house, just sort of roaming about.

If you go away with, you know, a girlfriend, wife, whatever, you have an argument on holiday because you're not used to spending that much time with people.

I don't know any Londoners 'cos I'm from Manchester.

I'm not a proper traveler. I don't like to be challenged or have too much of a change and prefer a week away just to relax.

If you'd have told me five years ago that I'd have done all this - two books, some television and everything - I'd panic, I'd be scared.

People always tell me I'm going to regret not having kids. But what if I have one and then I regret having it? Has anyone thought of that option?

I've never thought about it before, but I suppose bad people might need someone to pray to, too.

Who'd have thought the Frisbee would have caught on?

It's like there's some unwritten rule that if you're mates, you can say what you want to each other, and you don't really get that annoyed about it.

Sometimes you can know too much. A lot of brainy people like Stephen Fry are quite depressive.

To me, a cat is an easy pet, they don't need any spoiling or looking after.

That's the problem with having a bald head. It exaggerates the shape.

A slug is always on its own. It's a lonely insect.

People who live in glass houses... have to answer the door.

I just sort of go along and say what I think -and that's all you can do in life, really.

Making the 'An Idiot Abroad' series, I was really dreading going to India; I thought I'd hate it. It was a nightmare, and I was really ill - just like everyone says.

I found that being with happy positive people annoys me.

I don't know what the future is, but you just do it whilst it's there, don't you?

I don't think I'd be a very good parent. I'd be too honest.

If you're doing the same job every day, there's room for error.

I think it's a problem when something's a dream because it'll never live up to your expectations. It's better to go somewhere thinking it'll be horrible, and then be pleasantly surprised.

I don't really go out at night in terms of noisy, busy places; I prefer more of a quiet corner somewhere.

All fame is is having people you don't know coming up to you and saying, 'Hello.' I'm always polite and people are always nice, but it's weird.

I don't know what I'm meant to do. I'm not important, am I? I'm not doing anything that makes a difference.

I was impressed by the Taj Mahal. A good bit of work, well looked after, worth paying money to see.

I'm not invited to any exciting parties and my life hasn't really changed.

You know, when you're a producer, you're a bit of a lackey. You're just making cups of tea and making sure they've got newspaper, stuff like that.

Comedy's really subjective, you know; that's why it's so hard.

I've never won many awards, I didn't get certificates for swimming or anything.

It's not a joke: I really do like being at home.

Me mum used to always have the radio on - even now she has it on in every room. Me girlfriend sort of blames that reason for me not doing that well at school - constant noise, really.

I had a bad experience doing public speaking at school. I had to talk about a pen for five minutes and it was really hard work. I couldn't wait to get off the stage.

To be honest, marriage doesn't scare me and that, it's just once you've been together for so long, if you haven't got any kids it's just a big expensive day out for everyone else to enjoy, isn't it?

I don't watch much telly, the telly hardly goes on, but the things I do watch are sort of nature programs, and something about the oceans and the amount of weird fish that's in there.

I mean, I don't really go out at night in terms of noisy, busy places; I prefer more of a quiet corner somewhere.

I don't want to go about offending people, that's not my plan.

With acting, I didn't get much from it.

The great pyramid is overrated. It's a bad design. The lounge is going to be huge, but the bedroom is going to be tiny.

We're just a weed in the universe

They keep saying that sea levels are rising an' all this. It's nowt to do with the icebergs melting, it's because there's too many fish in it. Get rid of some of the fish and the water will drop. Simple. Basic science.

The only reason you don't go on holiday, is 'cause you have to spend money.

Well...like, when you're born, you're a little baby, you're wrinkly and stuff, when you get older you sort of morph into a baby again...

A block of blood should not have the word "cake" after it...they might as well say "shite gateau

I always have a problem liking things I'm told I should like.

Normally you can't hear you're own voice because you're talking over it.

It's weird how me and that insect are miles apart in terms of lifestyle, yet we both like a biscuit.

In the sea you've got to be constantly sort of alert. It's worse in the sea [than anywhere else in the animal kingdom]. In the sea you've got an enemy behind every rock.

I've heard that fact, that is you eat more than six bananas it will kill you. I saw a bowl with seven bananas in it and I thought, that's dangerous.

A problem solved is a problem caused.

The cafe was called Tattoos. The fella who owned it didn't have any tattoos... but we never saw his wife.

If you can't do it, don't do it.

She gave me the jabs and said I was covered for every worst-case scenario, including being bitten by a dirty chimp. I told her this is why we have over-population problems. Why are idiots who annoy dirty chimps being protected?

We're gonna get weaker. That's already happened. They used to say, you know, an apple a day keeps the doctor away. Now they're saying eat five fruits. That's evidence. You can't argue with that.

Heaven? Floating about with everyone you ever knew for eternity? Me family does me 'ed in after one day at xmas, I'd rather be mush.

What happens if someone else has my eyes, and they start looking at stuff I don't like? I don't like the idea of that.

Everywhere we walked we got plenty of attention due to the camera and sound men. The locals love to get on camera. [...] I'd seen footage of Gandhi surrounded like this and always thought it was because he was very popular, but now I wonder if it was just because he had a camera crew with him.

Why didn't evolution make a giraffe good at carpentry so it could build a ladder?

I thought the fart was a human thing. It's something to do with like, arse cheeks, or whatever.

I've been on the planet for 40 years now, and I'm still none the wiser as to what it's all about really. I've never worried about life's big questions. People at my age sit about pondering about 'why are we here?' The only time I ever asked meself that is when Suzanne booked us a surprise holiday to Lanzarote.

We've had the Iron Age, the Stone Age, this is the pissin' about age.

There was always something. It's like with this one, there's always something that's mad that I look back on it and go, that's pretty amazing to say that I've done that or been there.

There is someone for everyone, i'nt there. That's always my thing. And it's reassuring I think.

It's easier to have a go at something again when you failed at it as you've got nowt to lose.