Rita Rudner Quotations | Page 2

I just don't get cats. To me, they're a waste of fur.

I loved my mother very much, but she was not a good cook. Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother's tasted better the day before. In our house Thanksgiving was a time for sorrow.

I have been doing leg lifts faithfully for about fifteen years, and the only thing that has gotten thinner is the carpet where I have been doing the leg lifts.

Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.

When men break up they want to remain friends. Why? Why can't they just get lost?

My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.

I never know what to get my father for his birthday. I gave him a hundred dollars and said, 'Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.' So he went out and bought a present for my mother.

Men are very confident people. Even a sixty-year-old man with no arms thinks he could play in the Super Bowl if he had to.

All men look at Dr. Ruth and wonder how she has gained all that sexual experience.

Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo.

Nobody is really happy with what's on their head. People with straight hair want curly, people with curly want straight, and bald people want everyone to be blind.

Envy the kangaroo. That pouch setup is extraordinary; the baby crawls out of the womb when it is about two inches long, gets into the pouch, and proceeds to mature. I'd have a baby if it would develop in my handbag.

We live in Los Angeles, where you are expected to move every two to four years, so people can see how well your career is going.

Men in high levels of government seldom surf.

Most men are secretly still mad at their mothers for throwing away their comic books. They would be valuable now.

Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.

Men who drink herbal teas are seldom serial killers.

I jogged for three miles once. It was the worst three hours of my life.

My parents were glad to see that my new husband looks like a 'regular guy'-no earring or anything. But really I think a man with an earring is better prepared for marriage. I mean, he's already experienced pain and bought jewelry.

Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch: "Thanks." On the other side: "Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting."

Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other."

Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"

Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.

When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.

No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.

Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.

If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.

Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.

Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.

Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.

Men who tell you they read the Ann Summers catalogue for the articles are lying

One of my first office jobs was cleaning the windows on brown envelopes.

I'll never understand why people go to movie theaters to have conversations. Going to the movies to talk is like going to a restaurant to cook. The idea is that you have paid your money to have someone do something better than you can do it yourself.

I'm going to start water skiing someday...as soon as I can separate it from being dragged by a boat.

Husband: a man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until the day before his anniversary to buy his wife a gift.

Men don't mature. Marry a younger one.

Her idea of a romantic setting is one that has a diamond in it. If you feel the need to marry a doctor, I suggest a dermatologist. Good hours, free Retin-A.

Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed.

Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.

Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.

Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.

If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season.

Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald".

If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.

Blondes have more fun, don't they? They must. How many brunettes do you see walking down the street with blond roots?

After you've dated someone it should be legal to stamp them with what's wrong with them so the next person doesn't have to start from scratch.

If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.

An amicable divorce is like a ventilated condom; it just doesn't work.

Thirty, I really like you but I still have to see other people.

All men would still really like to own a train set.

I adore being hitched. It's so extraordinary to discover one unique individual you need to irritate for whatever remains of your life.

Men do cry, but only when assembling furniture.

All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.

Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.

Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.

Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.

Natural childbirth scares me. I think before you have natural childbirth you should find out how big the baby is. Three pounds -- natural childbirth. Anything over three pounds -- heroin.

Never play peek-a-boo with a child on a long plane trip. There's no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, "Look, it's always gonna be me!"

I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I'm lying.

I burned sixty calories. That should take care of a peanut I had in 1962.

I was going with someone for a few years, but we broke up. It was one of those things. He wanted to get married, and I didn't want him to.

Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replay in sports. They've already forgotten what's happened.

Cats are a waste of fur.

I knew so little about money I used to sign my check, "Love, Rita."

How can I have morning sickness when I don't get up till noon?

Oh, my God. I've just told you how old I am. Nobody knows how old I am. I'm going to have to kill you now.

I had the most boring office job in the world...I used to clean the windows on envelopes.

My new dress. Do you like it? It's from my favorite designer, On Sale.

All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. They don't understand them, and they don't want to get near them. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.

Men will now get up and walk with the baby in the middle of the night, change its diapers, and give it a bottle, but in their heart of hearts they still think they shouldn't have to.

Yes, I've now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those L-shaped ones. Unfortunately, it's a lower case l.

I had teeth that stuck out so far, I used to eat other kids' candy bars by accident.

Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.

Why are women wearing perfumes that smell like flowers to attract men? Men don't like flowers. I have a great idea for a scent that will attract men - how about "New Car Interior"?

If you like easygoing, monogamous men, stay away from billionaires.

Never take candy from strangers.

My father watched football with the sound off because he lived in fear of hearing the voice of Howard Cosell.

All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.

Most of the men sitting in first class on an airplane have really boring jobs.

When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.

Wives are people who think it's against the law not to answer the phone when it rings.

I was a ballerina. I had to quit after I injured a groin muscle. It wasn't mine...

I love to sleep. Do you? Isn't it great? It really is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious.

I rationalize shop. I buy a dress because I need change for gum.

Waiters and waitresses are becoming nicer and much more caring. I used to pay my check, they would say "Thank you." That's now escalated into "You care care of yourself, now." The other day I paid my check and the waiter said, "Don't put off that mammogram."

Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn't admit he'd forgotten the code... he turned himself in.

It takes six months to get into shape and two weeks to get out of shape. Once you know this you can stop being angry about other things in life and only be angry about this.

I hate learning through experience. Just once I'd like to learn something because someone was nice enough to tell me in advance.

A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible; in a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

Buying something on sale is a very special feeling. In fact, the less I pay for something, the more it is worth to me. I have a dress that I paid so little for that I am afraid to wear it. I could spill something on it, and then how would I replace it for that amount of money?

Men like cars, women like clothes. Women only like cars because they take them to clothes.

The closest I ever came to a menage-a-trois was when I dated a schizophrenic.

I want to have young children although my mother and father are even now young sufficient to just take care of them.

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and say to myself "well, that's not going to happen

You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don't think there's really any oxygen. I think they're just to muffle the screams.

Good weather all the week, but come the weekend the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot they complain, too cold they complain, and when it's just right, they're watching TV.

When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.

Not one man in a beer commercial has a beerbelly.

My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.