Will Durst Quotations

Comedy is defiance. It's a snort of contempt in the face of fear and anxiety. And it's the laughter that allows hope to creep back on the inhale.

Men are superior to women, for one thing they can urinate from a speeding car

It's okay to laugh in the bedroom so long as you don't point

I hate the outdoors. To me the outdoors is where the car is.

I'm glad Reagan is president. Of course, I'm a professional comedian.

There is humor in the specter of the worst disaster in our nation's history. All I have to do is sweep away the debris of shock to find it.

On Friday, when I came in, we were doing jokes about being able to get out. Then it just started getting worse and worse and worse.

I didn't know that was a racial epithet. I thought it was a geographical designation.

You can't kill America. We're more than a nation. We're a notion. We're an idea. The American Dream. You never heard of the Afghanistani Dream have you. Except by bearded hermetic recluses with a fetish for uneducated women dressed as giant shuttlecocks.

Voters want a fraud they can believe in.

Walter Mondale has all the charisma of a speed bump.

Well, we won the war. You know what that means. In twenty years, we'll all be driving Iraqi cars

The reason the Democrats are so intent on passing a stem-cell bill is they're depending on the research to grow themselves a spine.

Men are superior to women. For one thing, men can urinate from a speeding car.

The problem is, we have yet to convince the Taliban they are fellow passengers on spaceship Earth.

President Bush says we've turned the corner in Iraq. What is that, about 16 corners we've turned? I think they call that running in circles.

When people talk about how in America, anybody can grow up to be President, I'm not sure George Bush is exactly what they had in mind.

In San Francisco, Haloween is redundant.

Everybody says not enough people vote. Now, I don't know nothing, but after the midterms, pretty obvious to me, that too many people vote.

It is my experience that the best way to deal with American politics is 50 milligrams of Zoloft 3 times a day.

Budget cuts if you're not rich, tax cuts if you are. Less money for those who don't have any and more to those who do. That's how President Fredo says we're going to get out of the giant deficit hole he's dug. You can't put it any more simply. Rich people richer. Poor people poorer.

The administration says the American people want tax cuts. Well, duh. The American people also want drive-through nickel beer night. The American people want to lose weight by eating ice cream. The American people love the Home Shopping Network because it's commercial-free.

In San Francisco, Halloween is redundant.

How did sex come to be thought of as dirty in the first place? God must have been a Republican.