Red Buttons Dinner Quotations

The Puerto Rican doctor, who wrote all his prescriptions with spray paint. Never got a dinner!

Uncle Remus, who said to Uncle Ben, You're a credit to your rice. Never got a dinner!

Vincent Van Gogh, who said to the hat salesman, I like it, but it keeps sliding over my ear. Never got a dinner!

Sleeping Beauty, who said to Prince Charming, Are you sure all we did was kiss? Never got a dinner!

Captain Hook's mother, who said to Little Hook, For God sakes, don't scratch it! Never got a dinner!

E.T., who said to Phyllis Diller, You look weird. Never got a dinner!

Rip Van Winkle, who said, Don't make the bed; I'm just going to the bathroom. Never got a dinner!

Noah's wife, who said to him after 40 days and 40 nights, It's your turn to spread the papers on the floor! Never got a dinner!

Saint Christopher, who said, Where can I get a Frank Sinatra medal? Never got a dinner!

Jacques Cousteau, the last man to see Jimmy Hoffa. Never got a dinner!

John Wilkes Booth, who said, Sorry, I thought he was a critic. Never got a dinner!

Billy Carter, who asked his brother Jimmy, Do you think you could get me on the Gong Show? Never got a dinner!

Steven Spielberg's mother, who said to E.T., I don't care where you're from, you're here and you're gonna get bar mitzvahed! Never got a dinner!

Orson Welles, who said to Anita Bryant, Stop picketing me. What I said was I was a thespian. Never got a dinner!

Donald Trump's mother, who said, Donnie! Stop playing Monopoly and get in that barber's chair! Never got a dinner!

Adam, who said to Eve, What do you mean you have nothing to wear? Never got a dinner!

Ponce de Leon, who said when he discovered the Fountain of Youth, Where the hell are the paper cups? Never got a dinner!

Adam, who said to our Lord in the Garden of Eden, I got more ribs - you got more broads? Never got a dinner!

Moses, who said to the Israelites, Stop calling me Charlton! Never got a dinner!

Sonny Von Bulow, who said to her husband Claus on their honeymoon, Stop needling me. Never got a dinner!

Zsa Zsa Gabor, the only woman ever to apply for group alimony. Never got a dinner!

Julius Caesar's wife, who said to Julius, We are not naming our son Sid! Never got a dinner!

The captain of the Titanic, who said to room service, Who sent for all this ice? Never got a dinner!

Jack the Ripper's mother, who said to Jack, How come I never see you with the same girl twice? Never got a dinner!

Ray Charles, who said to Stevie Wonder, Maybe we're white. Never got a dinner!

Christopher Columbus, who said to Queen Isabella, No, you got it wrong! The world is round. You're flat! Never got a dinner!

Simon Peter, who embarrassed the other disciples at the Last Supper by asking for seconds. Never got a dinner!

Sophia Loren, whose new baby asked her, Is all that for me? Never got a dinner!

Some of the most famous people in history never got a dinner!

The Mayor of Hong Kong, who said Can't work today. Have American flu. Never got a dinner!

Crispus Attucks, who said, Don't shoot till you see the whites! Never got a dinner!

Moshe Dayan, who said to Sammy Davis, Jr., That's funny, to me you only look half Jewish. Never got a dinner!

Moses, who said when the Red Sea parted, What the hell was that? I was just going in for a dip! Never got a dinner!

Lee Iacocca, who said to Dolly Parton, Why do you need an airbag? Never got a dinner!

Bluebeard, who said to Scottland Yard, How do I know how many wives I've killed? I'm not an accountant! Never got a dinner!

Dr. Spock, who said, Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. Never got a dinner!

Pope John Paul II's press secretary, who said, See, if only the Pope were Italian, he woulda shot back! Never got a dinner!

Joseph Cotten, who said, You know how I got my name? Sammy Davis picked it for me. Never got a dinner!

Nostradamus, who predicted that Billy Bailey would not come home. Never got a dinner!

Helen of Troy, a hooker from Upstate New York. Never got a dinner!

The Hunchback of Notre-Dame, who said to his tailor Irving, Forget the slacks - please work on the blazer! Never got a dinner!

Abraham Lincoln, who said, A house divided... is a condominium. Never got a dinner!

Moshe Dayan, who donated his eye to CBS. Never got a dinner!

Clint Eastwood's sex therapist, who said to Clint, Do it any which way you can, but no sudden impact. Never got a dinner!

Sydney Poitier, who said to Lester Maddox, Guess who's not coming to dinner? Never got a dinner!

Queen Elizabeth, who said, Not now, I'm on the throne. Never got a dinner!

Peter Minuet, who said to the Indians in modern-day Manhattan, Will you accept a check from a Puerto Rican bank? Never got a dinner!

Alexander the Great, who said on his wedding night, It's only a nickname. Never got a dinner!

Gandhi, who went to Wendy's and asked, Where's the belief? Never got a dinner!

Dean Martin's pancreas, who overheard his liver singing I got a right to sing the blues. Never got a dinner!

Dean Martin's great-great-uncle, Ebenezer Martin, who said to Eli Whitney, I see the cotton, but where's the gin? Never got a dinner!

Noah's wife, who said to Noah, Don't let the elephants watch the rabbits. Never got a dinner!

Henry Ford, who despite his immense wealth never owned a Cadillac. Never got a dinner!

King Henry VIII, who said to his lawyer, Forget the alimony, I've got a better idea. Never got a dinner!

Stan Musial, who said, Why didn't they make me the first Polish pope? I was such a good Cardinal. Never got a dinner!

Dracula, who said while they drove a wooden stake into his heart, Boy, I sure hope this is heartburn. Never got a dinner!

Michelangelo's girlfriend, who said to Angelo, Forget the paint - let's put a mirror on the ceiling. Never got a dinner!

J. Paul Getty, who still hasn't been buried - they keep finding oil! Never got a dinner!

Ben Hur, who said to his sister Ben Him, We'd better swap names before they start calling me Ben Gay! Never got a dinner!

Joe Torre, who switched to first base because he didn't want to go through life as Chicken Catcher Torre. Never got a dinner!

Burt Reynolds, great sex symbol of the movies, who said, I owe it all to one great part. Never got a dinner!

Dolly Parton, who said to her doctor, Are you sure it's a chest cold? Never got a dinner!

Amelia Earhart, who said, Stop looking for me; see if you can find my luggage! Never got a dinner!

Joan Rivers, who said to Marcel Marceau, Can we talk? Never got a dinner!

Aladdin, who said to his wife, I know it's not a lamp, keep rubbing! Never got a dinner!

George W. Bush, who said to Pope John Paul II, Give us a visit, and bring the missus. Never got a dinner!

Moses, who said to the children of Israel, Wear your galoshes; I never did this trick before. Never got a dinner!