Rodney Dangerfield Funny Quotations [Page 2]

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.

When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through.

One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out".

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face .... turned me over and said. Look ... twins!

I was so poor growing up - if I wasn't a boy - I'd have had nothing to play with

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him .... If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion. He said .... Alright.... you're ugly too!

I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.

I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.