Steven Wright Time Quotations

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.

I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.

You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time...

I Xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.

Sorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for.

You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.