David Letterman Night Quotations

Night clubs scare me. They're dark and they stink and they're dangerous and everybody's drunk.

How many people saw Arnold's speech last night? I haven't seen that many Kennedys in one place since their last trial.

Bill Murray is on the show tonight. Next week I'll be Goggling 'foods that improve prostate health.'

George Clooney is on the program tonight. Next week at this time I will be in a hardware store watching them mix paint.

Last night we had Bill Clinton, the former president. Security was as tight as Governor Christie's yoga pants.

I'll be honest with you. It's beginning to look like I'm not going to get 'The Tonight Show.'

Meryl Streep is on the program tonight. I like to throw her a little work whenever I can.

Our guest tonight is Michelle Obama, first lady of the United States. She's here to announce her run for president.

To save energy, New York City is now dimming the lights of the skyscrapers and the skyline at night. There's a bad side to this. If you need Batman, you have to text him.

Mayor de Blasio wants to eliminate garbage. He believes New York City produces way too much garbage. Well, heck, forget about producing too much garbage. What about late-night talk shows?

Last night, President Bush gave a prime-time press conference. It was such a big deal that Fox decided to preempt American Idol. Which made sense to me, you don't want too many amateurs on in one night.

Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don't know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those things even need to explode?

We're learning more about Osama bin Laden. His father was married 16 times, and he has five wives. I think we're getting to the root of his intense anger. And they say bin Laden never spends the night in the same place twice. No, wait a minute, that's Clinton.

I went through one period when I smoked a surprising, a really breath-taking, amount of grass almost every night.

Midnight, and the kitties are sleeping.

I got a call from my mom today, she says, 'Well, David, I see you didn't get the 'Tonight Show' again,'

Today is the anniversary of the Gettysburg Address. President Lincoln wrote it on his way to the site of the speech on the back of an envelope. One guy on the back of an envelope wrote the great Gettysburg Address - while every night it takes six guys to write this crap!

What a big night that is going to be not only for us, not only for Oprah, but for Broadway. You have the big 'Color Purple' Broadway opening, and then right across the street here in this theater, you have Oprah appearing here. I mean, that's what Broadway is all about it's a street of dreams.

What a big night that is going to be -- not only for us, not only for Oprah, but for Broadway.

The night before the Olympics opening ceremony, my son, who is eight years old, gets very excited and likes to put out a plate of cookies and some milk for Bob Costas.

A lot of issues were on the ballots. In New York City there was Proposition 14. That would put a ceiling on the number of late-night talk shows. And California passed Proposition 21. That would change guacamole officially to guac.

You know who's upset now with ISIS? Al Qaeda. It's because ISIS is getting more attention than Al Qaeda. So now, Saturday night will be Ayman al-Zawahiri bobblehead night.