Doug Stanhope People Quotations

I sometimes wonder if necrophiliacs are really into dead people or if they just enjoy the quiet.

It is a great advantage for any man to be able to talk or hear, neither ignorantly nor absurdly, upon any subject; for I have known people, who have not said one word, hear ignorantly and absurdly; it has appeared by their inattentive and unmeaning faces.

I recommend to you, in my last, an innocent piece of art: that of flattering people behind their backs, in presence of those who, to make their own court, much more than for your sake, will not fail to repeat, and even amplify, the praise to the party concerned. This is of all flattery the most pleasing, and consequently the most effectual.

Some people just join the military because they need college money. Then they're idiots and college wasn't going to help.

Unfortunately this is where comedy works, where people are the most miserable.

People wrestle alligators but not once has someone done it without an audience.

I have a picture I keep in my wallet of my father's corpse... I keep that picture in my wallet to show people who show me baby pictures.

Sex is free fun for poor people.

Before you ask for the people to rise up and take what's theirs, meet the people, because they're really, really, bafoons.

Comedy is like music; it builds on itself. Once someone comes up with a theory or a different way of doing things, people start to mimic it on some level. That's why you go back to the guys you loved in the 80s... and it just seems tired now, because it was all foundation.

Old people always tell you: 'When you've been around as long I have, then you can argue.' As soon as they're ripped off, it's a different story.

A lot of the Olympic games just boil down to genetics. Michael Phelps is genetically built to swim better than other people if he trains the same way. You might as well have a competition for who's the tallest, and act like it's anyone's game!

The revolution I was starting where I thought I could yell at 200 people in a bar every night and change the world didn't quite happen.

You say you hate children and people always say the same thing; it would be different if it was your own child. Well what if it wasn't?

My first open mic, I drank a full pitcher of beer by myself. I wasn't afraid of being in front of people as much as, Is this funny?

Canada, the drinking age is 18, that's unnecessary. Nobody wants to get loaded around people who have hope and their whole lives still ahead of them.

Artists who say that they're artists: usually people who need a job.

I'm not a marijuana user, so I always feel kind of fraudulent. I applaud this, I do recreational drugs, but marijuana's never one of those. People think because I talk about drugs, that I smoke pot. But I don't.

I'm not the one-take wonder that a lot people think I am.

If second hand smoke is killing that many people and nicotine is so addictive then why is no one addicted to second hand smoke?

People want an idol. They want royalty. They don't want a public servant. Hell no. They want someone to clap for and go, "Oh, he touched my hand at the rally!"

The whole acting and Hollywood [thing], it's just work to me. Stand-up comedy ruins you so badly for doing television. I don't really need to be known anymore than I am. The slight sliver of fame I do have is hard to deal with. If I was actually well-known - I don't even know what to say to people who are at my show when I walk into the venue, much less having waitresses in diners asking for my autograph.

People hate people just cause they want someone different to hate.

Every 17 seconds a child dies on this planet from no clean drinking water. Good. Let's try to speed it up... there are too many people.

Abject flattery and indiscriminate assentation degrade, as much as indiscriminate contradiction and noisy debate disgust. But a modest assertion of one's own opinion, and a complaisant acquiescence in other people's, preserve dignity.

People talk to you and they try to convince you that they like what they do just because it sucks less than what they used to do... which sucked a lot.

I am a very mediocre intellect, at best, and I am smarter than most people I know - and that terrifies me.

Alcohol does not make ugly people attractive. It makes it so you could care less that they're ugly.

People who want to kill other people are the last people I want to party with, because I get mouthy when I drink.

There's only two types of people who are against drugs: the people who have never done drugs and the people who really sucked at doing drugs.