Jay Leno Giving Quotations

If any job should give you a company car, it's the car bomb business.

Chris Christie won by such a wide margin that pundits say this will give him the impetus he needs to run for president. And he's got a new slogan: 'Put the oval in the Oval Office.'

BP CEO Tony Hayward said he would just like to get his life back. He wants to get his life back. You know, I say give him life plus 20.

Before we give the government any more money, show us some receipts.

Nineteen percent of doctors say that they'd be able to give their patients a lethal injection. But they also went on to say that the patient would have to be really, really behind on payments.

To give you an idea how bad the American economy is, Mexico is now calling for a fence along the border. Stay on your side!

President Obama met with leaders of the American Indian tribes and they honored the president by giving him his own Indian name: Running Deficits.

There's this big pie in show business, and you physically can't eat the whole pie. If you give everybody a slice of pie, you will still have more than enough. The real trick is not to try to get the whole pie, but to keep the biggest slice.

Anybody who gives their car to a valet isn't a car guy

When you fix something with your hands it gives you a sense of accomplishment and a sense of self worth.

Family planning experts are now recommending giving men vasectomy gift cards for the holidays. Talk about taking the jingle out of the bells.

If you give everybody a slice of pie, you will still have more than enough.

According to the L.A. Times, Attorney General John Ashcroft wants to take "a harder stance" on the death penalty. What's a harder stance on the death penalty? We're already killing the guy? How do you take a harder stance on the death penalty? What, are you going to tickle him first? Give him itching powder? Put a thumbtack on the electric chair?

I love all these politicians, they all say the same thing - 'We'll give California back to the people.' Yeah, great, now that it's not worth anything, they want to give it back to us.

9% would give up sex for the remote control. 91% has already given up sex for the remote control!

Pundits are saying that President Obama is starting to lose support among his own party. To give you an idea of how bad it's gotten, today Jimmy Carter compared him to Jimmy Carter.

The liberals are asking us to give Obama time. We agree...and think 25 to life would be appropriate.

Hey, Barack Obama had to give up his Blackberry. He's the first wired president. ... He might have to give his Blackberry because of security reasons. Because they're easy to hack into. In fact, when Obama heard he might have to give it up, he said, 'OMG! WTF?' I mean, he couldn't believe it.

If you think of life as like a big pie, you can try to hold the whole pie and kill yourself trying to keep it, or you can slice it up and give some to the people around you, and you still have plenty left for yourself.

Thanksgiving, when the Indians said, "Well, this has been fun, but we know you have a long voyage back to England".

Did you hear that we're writing Iraq's new Constitution? Why not just give them ours? We're not using it anymore.

You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.