I don't think I'm a star or a celebrity or any thing like that.
I love Fear Factor, but I think they're running out of fears. It's only a matter of time before they're sitting around doing shots of Hepatitis C.
Sex and murder are the same. Well, you say the same after both don't you? 'Damn I got to get the hell out of here! What was I thinking!'
My day jobs... I knew I was bad at those, so I didn't really have the confidence to think that I could do comedy. But I knew I hated the day jobs.
Here's a tip: never get drunk while wearing a hooded sweatshirt. You will eventually think there's someone right behind you.
I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something.
Friends are important, dontcha think? Hmmm? I think so. The way I see it, you got friends, and you got your best friend, big difference. To me, a friend's a guy who will help you move. A best friend's a guy who will help you move a body. That's how I look at it.
You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had?
A lot of these kids I think are more content just to be on Facebook and the computer than they are to actually go out. They just really want to get a picture to post to their buddies, and that's about it.
Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk who wears a cape.