George Carlin Funny Quotations

The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend.

The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

People love to admit they have bad handwriting or that they can't do math. And they will readily admit to being awkward: 'I'm such a klutz!' But they will never admit to having a poor sense of humor or being a bad driver.

When it comes to God's existence, I'm not an atheist and I'm not agnostic. I'm an acrostic. The whole thing puzzles me.

Everyone smiles in the same language.

As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.

Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.

If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely?

I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loath and despise the groups they identify or belong to.

Why is there so much controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who would be willing to test any drug they could come up with

I really haven't seen this many people in one place since they took group photographs of all the criminals and lawbreakers in the Ronald Reagan administration.

It used to be cars had cool names: Dart, Hawk, Fury, Cougar, Firebird, Hornet, Mustang, Barracuda. Now we have Elantra, Altima, Acura, Lumina, Sentra, Corolla, Maxima, Tercel. Further proof that America has lost its edge.

They say if you outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns. Well, those are precisely the people who need them!

I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

If drumsticks are for playing drums, you would think that breadsticks would be for playing bread, wouldn't you? "Would you like some breadsticks?" "No, thank you, I don't play bread. I play drums. Perhaps I'll have a drum roll."

Geologists claim that although the world is running out of oil, there is still a 200-hundred-year supply of brake fluid.

I think TV remotes should have a button that allows you to kill the person on the screen.

When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.

Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Always do whatever's next.

The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.

We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.

The status quo sucks.

When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.

Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers.

I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

What wine goes with Captain Crunch?

A good motto to live by: "Always try not to get killed.

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Life is a near-death experience.

I think I am, therefore, I am... I think.

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.

'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

Why don't they have waiters in waiting rooms?

Dogs lead a nice life. You never see a dog with a wristwatch.

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.

If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that 1 enjoys it?

The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.

I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same fifty percent rate. Half the time I get what I want, half the time I don't...Same as the four-leaf clover and the horseshoe...same as the voodoo lady who tells you your fortune by squeezing the goat's testicles. It's all the same...so just pick your superstition, sit back, make a wish, and enjoy yourself...

Religion is just mind control.

How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette?

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.

It's never just a game when you're winning.

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.

Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.

I don't know how you feel, but I'm pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with churches? Tax them. If holy people are so interested in politics, government, and public policy, let them pay the price of admission like everybody else. The Catholic Church alone could wipe out the national debt if all you did was tax their real estate.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

If God had intended us not to masturbate, He would have made our arms shorter.

I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.

I've begun worshipping the sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can see the sun. It's there for me every day. And the things it brings me are quite apparent all the time: heat, light, food, and a lovely day. There's no mystery, no one asks for money, I don't have to dress up, and there's no boring pageantry. And interestingly enough, I have found that the prayers I offer to the sun and the prayers I formerly offered to "God" are all answered at about the same 50% rate.

What year did Jesus think it was?

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.

People always tell me "Have a nice day." Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?

I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.

No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club, association, neighborhood improvement committee; I have no interest in any of it. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?