Sir, I didn't deserve the grade you gave me on this test. Do you know a lower one?
A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, Are you comfortable? The man answers, I make a nice living.
I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman.
At eighty-two, I feel like a twenty-year-old, but, unfortunately, there's never one around.
In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn't say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.
My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here?
A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, Did you miss a step? No, he answers, I hit every one of them!
The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.
This man's wife told him, "For Christmas, surprise me." On Christmas Eve he leaned over where she was sleeping and said, "Boo!"
Committee - a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.
Do you realise that Eve was the only woman who ever took a man's side?
Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.
Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?