On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter what it does.
The United States never lost a war or won a conference.
In Hollywood you can see things at night that are fast enough to be in the Olympics in the day time.
I read about eight newspapers in a day. When I'm in a town with only one newspaper, I read it eight times.
Liberty doesn't work as well in practice as it does in speeches.
There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you
There ought to be one day - just one - when there is open season on senators.
One-third of the people in the United States promote, while the other two-thirds provide.
If I studied all my life, I couldn't think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress.
An economist's guess is liable to be as good as anybody else's.
It's easy being a humorist when you've got the whole government working for you.
Prohibition is better than no liquor at all.
If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year with it in your pockets, and all that don't get wet you can keep.
One Ad is worth more to a paper than forty Editorials.
The movies are the only business where you can go out front and applaud yourself.
About all I can say for the United States Senate is that it opens with a prayer and closes with an investigation.
There is nothing so stupid as the educated man if you get him off the thing he was educated in.
Don't gamble; take all your savings and buy some good stock and hold it till it goes up, then sell it. If it don't go up, don't buy it.
This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.
When ignorance gets started it knows no bounds.
I have a scheme for stopping war. It's this - no nation is allowed to enter a war till they have paid for the last one.
Things ain't what they used to be and never were.
I bet after seeing us, George Washington would sue us for calling him 'father.'
The 1928 Republican Convention opened with a prayer. If the Lord can see His way clear to bless the Republican Party the way it's been carrying on, then the rest of us ought to get it without even asking.
A difference of opinion is what makes horse racing and missionaries.
An ignorant person is one who doesn't know what you have just found out.
When should a college athlete turn pro? Not until he has earned all he can in college as an amateur.
Being a hero is about the shortest-lived profession on earth.
There's only one thing that can kill the movies, and that's education.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
All I know is just what I read in the papers, and that's an alibi for my ignorance.
If you ever injected truth into politics you have no politics.
Don't let yesterday use up too much of today.
I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.
We can't all be heroes, because somebody has to sit on the curb and applaud when they go by.
Things in our country run in spite of government, not by aid of it.
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.
If you can build a business up big enough, it's respectable.
Democrats never agree on anything, that's why they're Democrats. If they agreed with each other, they would be Republicans.
An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh.
Buy land. They ain't making any more of the stuff.
What the country needs is dirtier fingernails and cleaner minds.
The income tax has made liars out of more Americans than golf.
People who fly into a rage always make a bad landing.
Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.
In Hollywood the woods are full of people that learned to write but evidently can't read. If they could read their stuff, they'd stop writing.
A holding company is a thing where you hand an accomplice the goods while the policeman searches you.
The best way out of a difficulty is through it.
America is becoming so educated that ignorance will be a novelty. I will belong to the select few.
When you put down the good things you ought to have done, and leave out the bad ones you did do well, that's Memoirs.
William Penn Adair "Will" Rogerswas an American cowboy, vaudeville performer, humorist, newspaper columnist, social commentator, and stage and motion picture actor...