Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else.
We don't give our criminals much punishment, but we sure give 'em plenty of publicity.
Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
A fool and his money are soon elected.
Do the best you can, and don't take life too serious.
The man with the best job in the country is the vice-president. All he has to do is get up every morning and say, 'How is the president?'
The difference between a Republican and a Democrat is the Democrat is a cannibal they have to live off each other, while the Republicans, why, they live off the Democrats.
There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.
It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for.
The Schools ain't what they used to be and never was.
The only way you can beat the lawyers is to die with nothing.
This thing of being a hero, about the main thing to it is to know when to die.
It isn't what we don't know that gives us trouble, it's what we know that ain't so.
Anything important is never left to the vote of the people. We only get to vote on some man; we never get to vote on what he is to do.
A remark generally hurts in proportion to its truth.
We will never have true civilization until we have learned to recognize the rights of others.
Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have the smartest race of people on earth.
If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?
Ancient Rome declined because it had a Senate, now what's going to happen to us with both a House and a Senate?
The worst thing that happens to you may be the best thing for you if you don't let it get the best of you.
The only time people dislike gossip is when you gossip about them.
Last year we said, 'Things can't go on like this', and they didn't, they got worse.
Let advertisers spend the same amount of money improving their product that they do on advertising and they wouldn't have to advertise it.
Politics has become so expensive that it takes a lot of money even to be defeated.
If advertisers spent the same amount of money on improving their products as they do on advertising then they wouldn't have to advertise them.
Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip.
The more you observe politics, the more you've got to admit that each party is worse than the other.
I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.
I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.
The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets.
Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.
I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
A man only learns in two ways, one by reading, and the other by association with smarter people.
Take the diplomacy out of war and the thing would fall flat in a week.
If the other fellow sells cheaper than you, it is called dumping. 'Course, if you sell cheaper than him, that's mass production.
The farmer has to be an optimist or he wouldn't still be a farmer.
Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.
Now if there is one thing that we do worse than any other nation, it is try and manage somebody else's affairs.
Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.
The fellow that can only see a week ahead is always the popular fellow, for he is looking with the crowd. But the one that can see years ahead, he has a telescope but he can't make anybody believe that he has it.
America is a nation that conceives many odd inventions for getting somewhere but it can think of nothing to do once it gets there.
Worrying is like paying on a debt that may never come due.
Even though you are on the right track - you will get run over if you just sit there.
Never let yesterday use up too much of today.
You can't say civilization don't advance... in every war they kill you in a new way.
Why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as well as prohibition did, in five years Americans would be the smartest race of people on Earth.
People's minds are changed through observation and not through argument.
It's not what you pay a man, but what he costs you that counts.
Ohio claims they are due a president as they haven't had one since Taft. Look at the United States, they have not had one since Lincoln.
The time to save is now. When a dog gets a bone, he doesn't go out and make a down payment on a bigger bone. He buries the one he's got.
There is no more independence in politics than there is in jail.
So let's be honest with ourselves and not take ourselves too serious, and never condemn the other fellow for doing what we are doing every day, only in a different way.
Get someone else to blow your horn and the sound will carry twice as far.
Too many people spend money they haven't earned to buy things they don't want to impress people they don't like.
I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock.
Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don't have for something they don't need.
I guess there is nothing that will get your mind off everything like golf. I have never been depressed enough to take up the game, but they say you get so sore at yourself you forget to hate your enemies.
You've got to go out on a limb sometimes because that's where the fruit is.
People are getting smarter nowadays; they are letting lawyers, instead of their conscience, be their guide.
The more that learn to read the less learn how to make a living. That's one thing about a little education. It spoils you for actual work. The more you know the more you think somebody owes you a living.
Diplomats are just as essential to starting a war as soldiers are for finishing it... You take diplomacy out of war, and the thing would fall flat in a week.
If you want to be successful, it's just this simple. Know what you are doing. Love what you are doing. And believe in what you are doing.
We don't seem to be able to check crime, so why not legalize it and then tax it out of business?
Communism to me is one-third practice and two-thirds explanation.
When you put down the good things you ought to have done, and leave out the bad ones you did do well, that's Memoirs.
America is becoming so educated that ignorance will be a novelty. I will belong to the select few.
The best way out of a difficulty is through it.
A holding company is a thing where you hand an accomplice the goods while the policeman searches you.
In Hollywood the woods are full of people that learned to write but evidently can't read. If they could read their stuff, they'd stop writing.
Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.
People who fly into a rage always make a bad landing.
The income tax has made liars out of more Americans than golf.
What the country needs is dirtier fingernails and cleaner minds.
Buy land. They ain't making any more of the stuff.
An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh.
Democrats never agree on anything, that's why they're Democrats. If they agreed with each other, they would be Republicans.
If you can build a business up big enough, it's respectable.
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.
Things in our country run in spite of government, not by aid of it.
We can't all be heroes, because somebody has to sit on the curb and applaud when they go by.
I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.
Don't let yesterday use up too much of today.
If you ever injected truth into politics you have no politics.
All I know is just what I read in the papers, and that's an alibi for my ignorance.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
There's only one thing that can kill the movies, and that's education.
Being a hero is about the shortest-lived profession on earth.
When should a college athlete turn pro? Not until he has earned all he can in college as an amateur.
An ignorant person is one who doesn't know what you have just found out.
A difference of opinion is what makes horse racing and missionaries.
The 1928 Republican Convention opened with a prayer. If the Lord can see His way clear to bless the Republican Party the way it's been carrying on, then the rest of us ought to get it without even asking.
I bet after seeing us, George Washington would sue us for calling him 'father.'
Things ain't what they used to be and never were.
I have a scheme for stopping war. It's this - no nation is allowed to enter a war till they have paid for the last one.
When ignorance gets started it knows no bounds.
This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.
Don't gamble; take all your savings and buy some good stock and hold it till it goes up, then sell it. If it don't go up, don't buy it.
There is nothing so stupid as the educated man if you get him off the thing he was educated in.
William Penn Adair "Will" Rogerswas an American cowboy, vaudeville performer, humorist, newspaper columnist, social commentator, and stage and motion picture actor...