Jim Norton Humor Quotations

That looks like something out of the dumpster of planned parenthood.

I couldn't get laid with a sitcom and a rifle.

I hope you have a miscarriage on a Walmart floor and have the baby's room already decorated.

You have the sex appeal of Norman Fell.

No periods. If you sneeze, the carpet's ruined.

That's an interesting accent you got there. Are you from stroke-victim?

I don't have kids. That's why I leave it in the dumper or in the mouth, because I hate kids.

What a coincidence, they both go to College and I'm a rapist!

Two men spit in their hands, help each other out, then laugh about it later. Just to be silly.

There's a trench coat and a tragedy in your future.

You 50 year old one-breasted bag of meat. Just hang it up and be grateful some of your friends are still living.

I had AIDS, but I beat it with Advil.

I'd rather hug Magic Johnson after he rolled around in barbed wire.

I had a three year relationship end. Ever have somebody just freak out on you in a relationship? Things are going great. After three years she wants to run out and find a guy that doesn't hit her.

Get a in clothes dryer with Magic Johnson and some razorblades.

I hope you slip in a puddle of AIDS and crack your head open

For the record, I hate skiing... and if you get killed doing it, GOOD.

I don't pull out because... it's not my problem.

I hope you accidentally drink leukemia at a picnic.

I don't wear rubbers cause you can't catch it twice.

They don't tend to feature the kind of vaginas I like in adult films. I tend to like a thick, heavy pussy - the kind of pussy that looks like it just smoked an exploding cartoon cigar.

I wish I had AIDS so I could bite somebody.