Bill Bailey Humor Quotations

Three blind mice walk into a pub. But they are all unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humour from it would be exploitative.

Relaxed Empiricism -- I only believe something to be true if someone I know quite well tells me if happened.

(Imitating a Belarus citizen commenting on their national flag) Stupid National Anthem....Look at this flag; Two bears fighting over a pineapple. What kind of message does that send to the world? Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit

I tried to like it. For me, it was like being smacked around the head by a piece of IKEA furniture: it hurts, but you've got to admire the workmanship.

Welcome to the O2. A unique building in Dublin, in that it is actually finished.

There we go, that's it. I just hold my hand in this position for the next couple of hours.

Or, as I call it, a Cheesel, it's a Weasel with a Cheese finish.

This shed does not contain me.

I suppose you could be a member of a terrorist organization in a non-violent way, in the laundry or the catering department.

I am Zebedee, lord of the woods! Bow down snail, I have dominion!

A feminist jumps out of a manhole - oh, and she didn't like that.

Of course, uh, the universe is gradually slowing down and, uh, will eventually collapse inwardly on itself, according to the laws of entropy when all it's thermal and mechanical functions fail, thus rendering all human endeavors ultimately pointless. Just to put the gig in some sort of context.

I once punched a bloke in the face for saying 'Hawk the Slayer' was rubbish, when what I should have said 'Dad, you're wrong.'

How many amoebas does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, no two! No four! ...no eight!

People say 'Bill, are you an optimist?' And I say, 'I hope so.'

On GM crops: I think we've missed a trick there. We could develop wheat with the properties of velcro, to catch whatever it is that's forming those crop circles. But then the spaceship would have to have the corresponding velcro so it's a bit of a long shot.

Talking of white supremacist violent types, I was in America, recently...

It's the augmented fourth, or diminished fifth, depending on your outlook on life...

I'm a vegetarian, I'm not strict. I eat fish. And duck, but they're nearly fish aren't they.

"God save our gracious Queen": Why would we invoke a non-specific deity to bail out these unelected spongers?

But our country's equivalent of gritty reality is more like "Look out Sarge, he's got a shooter!"

Nostalgia: How long's that been around?

I am a confectionery-based existentialist.

The scotch egg is such a Scottish food. It's as though a great Scottish chef said: I need a tasty snack. Let's take an egg... and wrap it in meat!! Makes it a bit harder.

Aldous Huxley took the drug mescaline and then chronicled his experience in the book The Doors of Perception. Now, I don't actually think that's the first thing he wrote: he probably wrote 'my brain is melting' ten thousand times, but it was the book that the critics latched on to.

I know that to be a true fact because I read it in Heat magazine

Yes. Yes, when we live our life like 1950s detective films. I often go to my fridge, "Hullo, we're out of milk. I say mother, where's the milk?"

Thank God for Darwin, eh?

A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says "Why the long face?". The horse replies: "I'm deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my existence and the extent to which I am now protected by law."

Why do people want to swim with dolphins? The equivalent would be an Indonesian fellow coming over here, going up to a farmer and saying 'Can I get in with the cows? I just fancy scuffling about with them.'

This was my attempt to deter cold callers: "There's no past, there's no future, just one pulsating present... Please leave your message after the tone."

Orchestras have often been used to conjure up the natural world: Swans, sharks, trout, but not, as far as I know, the often maligned jellyfish.

The reason we'd stopped was that the buffet car was on fire, that was the reason we stopped. One of the giant biscuits spontaneously combusted out of boredom. Whoever was charged with making the announcement momentarily lost all sense of procedure and we got this tantalizing glimpse into the chaos on the trains, and all we could hear was (bangs on microphone) "Gary, it's burning, what we gonna do?!" And everyone on the carriage just cheered, "Hooray! We're rubbish!"

On the Taliban: That ethos was never going to work, was it? It was just cobbled together from different beliefs. The anti-intellectualism of the Khmer Rouge, the religious persecution of the Nazis, the enforced beard-wearing from the world of folk music, and the subjugation and humiliation of women from the world of golf.

There's more evil in the charts than an Al-Qaeda suggestion box.

Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door.

Tonight's show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn't - haven't made my mind up yet.