Bob Monkhouse Humor Quotations

I'm rather relaxed about death. From quite an early age I've regarded it as part of the deal, the unwritten guarantee that comes with your birth certificate.

Dulwich College takes me back after seventy years: My Mum must have written one hell of a sick note!

A tom cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot's ribs and demanded: 'Take me to the canaries'.

A miniature village in Bournemouth caught fire and the flames could be seen nearly three feet away.

Where do the homeless have 90 per cent of their accidents?

My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.

They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.

I can remember when safe sex meant a padded headboard.