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When I was one day old, I learned how to read. When I was two days old, I started to write. By the time I was three, I had finished 212 short stories, 38 novels, 730 poems, and one very funny limerick, all before breakfast. Jon Scieszka
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When I was in New York, I got to see Joan Rivers do an hour of material, and it blew my mind. I don't remember how old she was at the time, but she just had this edgy hour that had so much funny stuff in it, and she was so fearless. If you only watch her on the red carpet, you don't get a sense of what a legendary standup comedian she is. Chelsea Peretti
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When I was in improv workshops or doing stand-up or writing comedy with others, or just doing comedy, I just laughed. Funny was funny; I loved to laugh. I always liked people I found generally funny. Michael Keaton
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When I was in high school, there was 'Superbad' and 'The Girl Next Door' and 'Wedding Crashers' and all these great movies. You hope to be a part of something that's smart, funny and in that Todd Phillips-vein. You want to make something like 'Superbad.' That movie was so good and so funny. Miles Teller
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When I was in high school, I was a bad singer. I mean, all my early acting was musical theater, and my first ever show was 'Jesus Christ Superstar.' Everyone's familiar with it. I played priest number 3 and sang so out of tune that it's not even funny. Sam Claflin
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When I was a kid I had this funny blond hair and everyone called me 'Chick' because I looked like Tweety Bird. Nicky Hilton
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When I was a child, I always wanted to be funny and to please people in my family. As you grow up that instinct becomes more refined, but it's still there. Romola Garai
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When I appear in public, people expect me to neigh, grind my teeth, paw the ground and swish my tail - none of which is easy. Princess Anne
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Golf seems to me an arduous way to go for a walk. I prefer to take the dogs out.
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Working on 'Parks' was like heaven because everyone there was just intimidatingly intelligent and funny, and we would have these hilarious debates about really tangential things. It was inspiring because I felt really challenged to be my best.
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The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets. Al McGuire
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I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early. Charles Lamb
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We started thinking, with all these hilarious and incredibly entertaining viral videos on the Web, what if we could harness that creativity for a brand? Would it be cool or lame? This is a grand experiment to see what happens when you kind of open it to the public and don't put any parameters on it. Brian Monahan
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There is no female Mozart because there is no female Jack the Ripper. Camille Paglia
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wouldn't it be hilarious if he ran his pipes through (fill in the blank)? Preston Sturges
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Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. Billy Sunday
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If you have something to say and say nothing, you are really telling a lie. Ashleigh Brilliant
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Look how often the unexpected happens - yet we still never expect it.
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The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
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Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish Chevy Chase
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You've reached Fantasia, where the undead live again every night," "For bar hours, press one. To make a party reservation, press two. To talk to alive person or a dead vampire, press three. Or, if you were intending to leave a humorous prank message on our answering machine, know this: we will find you. Charlaine Harris
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Try not to have a good time... this is supposed to be educational. Charles M. Schulz
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I drew pictures for and about the soldiers because I knew what their life was like and understood their gripes. I wanted to make something out of the humorous situations which come up even when you don't think life could be any more miserable. Bill Mauldin
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Thou slave, thou wretch, thou coward! Thou little valiant, great in villainy! Thou ever strong upon the stronger side! Thou Fortune's champion, that dost never fight But where her humorous ladyship is by To teach thee safety. William Shakespeare
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Asking politicians to give up a source of money is like asking Dracula to forsake blood. Cal Thomas
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Defy your own group. Rebel against yourself. Cathy Guisewite
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Okay everybody, line up in alphabetical order according to your height. Casey Stengel