Joe Rogan Quotations

The only time I commit to conspiracy theories is when something way retarded happens. Like Lee Harvey Oswald acting alone.

The planet's spinning a thousand miles an hour around this gigantic nuclear explosion while these people roll these machines with rubber tires over this hard surface that we've laid down over the planet so that we can easily move ourselves back and forth.

I wouldn't totally rule out doing Letterman or the Tonight Show if I had a set that I just happened to write that I thought was funny but was still appropriate for network censors. But I'm not going to go out of my way.

Because I have a girlfriend, I try and take the straight and narrow path, which is good because it prevents VD.

Never stay in a bad marriage, and don't hang around with psycho coke fiends.

If you are the greatest, why would you go around talking about it?

The comics I hate are thieves. Nothing's more disgusting than a guy who steals another person's ideas and tries to claim them as his own.

As a longtime practitioner of yoga and a person who's been involved in physical fitness my whole life, I can tell you, yoga helps you achieve altered states of consciousness. It is not just stretching. The only way you can say that it's stretching is if you haven't done it, or that you haven't done it rigorously for a long period of time.

I see martial arts as moving forms of meditation. When you're sparring or drilling techniques, you can't think of anything else.

The two things I understand best are stand-up comedy and martial arts. And those things require an ultimate grasp of the truth. You have to be objective about your skills and abilities to compete in both.

The audience changes every night. You're the same person. You have to speak your mind and do the stuff that you think is funny and makes you laugh.

No matter how civilized we are and how much society has curbed violent behavior. Human beings still have the same genes they had 10,000 years ago. Our bodies are designed to have a certain amount of physical stress and violence in them. We're designed to run from jaguars and fight to defend our territory.

You're sort of programmed a certain way because of your environment. That's all you know. But we don't have that anymore because of the internet. Because of the internet we're all communicating with each other all across the board, so you're getting information from people all around the world, hitting a much more diverse slice of culture.

I think that one of the reasons why people look towards the end of humanity is that people are afraid to die alone. If you die alone, the people you love will miss you, or if they die, you miss them - the sorrow is inevitable. When you truly love someone, the thought of losing them forever is horrible.

That's my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard.

If you can lie, you can act, and if you can lie to crazy girlfriends, you can act under pressure.

When you snatch little pieces of other people's lives and try to palm them off as your own, that's more disgusting than anything. Robin Williams is a huge thief. Denis Leary is a huge thief. His whole stand-up career is based on Bill Hicks, a brilliant guy who died years ago.

Phil Hartman was brilliant, and Dave Foley is a really funny guy. Phil Hartman was actually even funnier offstage than he was onstage because he would say nasty things. Dave Foley's very funny, very witty guy, very quick.

Reality really is theater. There's no other way to describe it. It's all so nonsensical, ridiculous and chaotic.

Faith itself is a horrible mechanism that stunts the growth of ideas. It also stunts the act of questioning, and it does this by pushing the idea that you have to have faith - and that nothing has to be proven.

What's interesting about science is that we're constantly discovering new things about the universe, about ourselves, about our bodies, about diseases, about the possibilities of the future. It's amazing. Science is one of the coolest things about being a human being - without a doubt.

I talk so much about sex that girls just want to meet me.

People want their 15 minutes and are willing to do anything to get it.

When someone comes along and expresses him or herself as freely as they think, people flock to it. They enjoy it.

Stand-up is still my favorite, but the podcast is a close second. It's so fun, and it's given me the oppor-tunity to have three-hour conversations with people I wouldn't have otherwise been able to talk to. When I talked to Maynard Keenan from Tool, I almost couldn't believe it was happening.

If someone plays a brooding actor in a film, people think they're brooding all the time.

I believe that we're doing the right thing. The press doesn't agree with the president on these things. The people I speak to assure me he is doing the right thing.

has paid him so well, he's hired a camera crew to follow him around on tour. The edited results appear on his website (JoeRogan.net) in regular installments called the ''JoeShow.

I've known that guy for over 10 years, and he's been stealing jokes and denying it from Day One, ... Joke thieves are a huge problem in the stand-up comedy community, and every now and then one of them becomes successful. That's what you're looking at here with 'Carlos.'

I'm afraid of heights. Not unreasonably, but rationally afraid of heights. I think everyone is.

The misconception is that standup comics are always on. I don't know any really funny comics that are annoying and constantly trying to be funny all the time.

You could smell my ass from mars.

People love to see people fall.

There's a confidence and a mental toughness that comes from the very highest level of competition, whatever the sport is. Whether it's boxing or wrestling, or whatever.

I really never thought people would think that I was funny, I thought (my friends) thought I was funny because I was their friend, but other people would just think I was an asshole. I was at least partly right.

If I could make the same amount of money doing standup it would be no contest. The problem is that if you do make that kind of money doing standup, it's not in clubs, it's in big auditoriums and large venues, and I really think something is lost when you do standup for a big crowd.

I never want to compromise my act just to get a laugh.

I have this thing built into my contract that the club has to put up a sign that says my act "contains the strongest language and material content imaginable," but, believe it or not, I still get complaints. People want you to be what they want you to be. If they see you on TV and that's what they like, they want you to be EXACTLY like that when they see you live. And if you're not, some of them get upset.

If you haven't peed the bed, you haven't taken enough chances.

My act is so completely and totally uncensored that the only way I could really pull it off is if I treat the audience like they're my best friends.

You can't measure what's inside a man's heart.

I've been involved in mixed martial arts since 1997 when I first started working for the UFC.

The Comedy Store in LA, it's a really loose room and it's really dark and creepy and a great place to explore your own thoughts onstage.

In order to be truly great at something you have to give into a certain amount of madness.

It's impossible to measure the type of mental strength and determination that's required to be an elite wrestler.

But it's hard for a chick to do comedy. It's not as open for them.

The mind is the most important thing of the big picture and no one has a stronger mindset than amateur wrestlers.

Although not considered a martial art, boxing is really a martial art. It's a very limited martial art as long as you agree to just box... but in an actual physical fight against someone who's just a wrestler, you're going to get killed.

I really feel like it's a travesty to make a child famous. I really do.

On my left knee I have a long scar from an ACL operation. I've had both knees reconstructed.

People for the most part can smell lies, at least I thought that until I saw audiences applaud at Carlos Mencia.

So many times I've done a CD, and then the week after I record it, I've got this new tagline that's killer. And it makes the whole bit better. It happens all the time. But that's just the process of comedy.

Any comic like myself owes everything he has to Lenny Bruce. He was the originator. The godfather of uncensored American stand-up is clearly Lenny Bruce.

My company is called Talking Monkey, Inc. It's because that's what I think all people are: talking monkeys.

I had a sense of who I was before I got famous.

Despite all the advancements in science, and all things about religion that are disproved it still marches on. The bottom line is that the only real, absolutely provable answers about life and our place in the universe are provided by science, and religion has been holding down science since day one.

When women go to see men strip, we never accuse you of hating men.

People are scared man, they're scared of the void.

Dick Gregory was a great comedian who went and got arrested, did hunger strikes, protests. It never hurt his career to be outspoken.

If the world was an etch-a-sketch, glaciers are the big shake.

Someone else's success does not equal a failure for you.

To me, comedy is a great occupation because I don't really worry that much about what other people think of me.

People for the most part can smell lies.

The best way to pursue any discipline is the martial art way.

Excellence in anything increases your potential in everything.

Well you see, Brazilian JiuJitsu Blackbelts have a blackbelt in...... Brazilian JiuJitsu

Houston Alexander is for real!

If Tyson Griffin was a girl, I'd say he has a badonkadonk.

A unicorn is a donkey from the future

It's a very strange thing when you make nature illegal.

No girl wants a secretly gay boyfriend, every dude wants a secretly gay girlfriend.

By putting yourself in that intense form of stress, it makes regular life more peaceful.

I've done jiujitsu a huge chunk of my life, and I try to spend a lot of time educating people on the nuances, the subtleness of the ground game. It's a big part of mixed martial arts.

One of the great things about Houston is that they police themselves. It's the way Boston was in the '80s. No hacks or thieves are tolerated in the community, and that's HUGE.

Omigawa is moving forward like a karate robot

I prefer older people to college kids [as audience] for the most part. I want people with life experience, people that understand where I'm coming from.

I love existing in pre big bang conditions.

I'm really happy that I've been able to make people laugh and distract them from their day to day bullshit at a comedy show or because they enjoyed one of my CDs or TV specials, but I don't know how many people have actually had life changing thoughts because of it.

Having the privilege of sitting down and having 3 hour long uninterrupted conversations with hundreds of brilliant people is an awesome perspective enhancer.

I read the things that scientists have figured out, and apply what they say is beneficial, but at the end of the day I'm the wrong person to get unchallenged nutritional advice from.

When you're jealous, especially of someone else's art or creations you automatically put up these selfish walls that reinforce your stupid ideas. It's hard to pull those walls down and look at what you're hiding. Look at your own weakness and realize that the jealousy came from knowing that you're intimidated by someone else's work, and that when you compare it to your own, you fall short.

I always try to look at conflicts from as many different angles as is humanly possible, and in a lot of ways there is no one answer.

Cities are natural, that's why they're everywhere. It's not like there's only one city, and everybody's like 'What the f**k is this?' No, cities are all over the place. They're natural. You know what's not natural? You, in the middle of the mountains, in the middle of the winter.

I don't care if you're gay, black, Chinese, straight. That means nothing to me. It's all an illusion.

I'm a nightclub comic. That's what I do. I work in the clubs uncensored because my mind is uncensored, and those are the thoughts that I have. I do the kind of comedy that I would enjoy seeing.

I never in my wildest imagination dreamed that I would somehow become a sports commentator.

Your body's really only meant to compete at the highest levels of combat sports for a few years.

When a ball goes into a net it only means something because we decided it means something. When somebody punches somebody in the face it always means something.

I do cagefight commentary in my spare time.

Jiu-Jitsu has been one of the most valuable tools I've ever had in my life.

For those that have said I seemed dickish to some of the nuttier guests on Joe Rogan Questions Everything - guilty as charged. As the season wore on I lost my patience with some of those folks unfortunately. I think I overdosed on ridiculous/likely fake stories. I certainly learned a lot about the kind of people that invest a large portion of their life on fringe subjects - they're all white. I think there's something interesting about the subjects, (UFOS, etc) but the study of them has often been overrun by silly thinking.

Teaching someone that doesn't know something forces you to think about almost every single aspect of it, including parts of it that you could sort of take for granted.

A lot of times, you beat a person who beat a person who can beat you. I mean, it doesn't make any sense.

Martial arts are a vehicle for developing your human potential.

Have you ever talked to someone, and you're not even really talking to them? Actors are the worst for that.

I'm a huge Groucho fan. There were some great comic minds that would transfer into any generation, and Groucho is certainly one of them.

It's painful for me to watch someone who isn't funny. It's horrifying to sit in the back and watch some guy who just totally sucks.

I don`t like people that make their living talking about bullshit, and you see them in many shows that are made on the same subject. When you go looking at UFOs or bigfoot or what-have-you, there's just nothing there.

There's a lot of people that I disagree with that I think I could have interesting conversations with. What I don't want to get into is manufactured conflict. I would much rather talk to someone like Dr. Rhonda Patrick or Randall Carlson and be mesmerized by information. I guess in a way that's selfish, or maybe not objective of me. The older (and hopefully wiser) I get the less interested I am in conflict. I don't mind disagreeing with people in a civil way, but I definitely don't want to go out of my way to have an argument unless it's a really important subject.

Maybe we can combine 2 things that everybody loves. Helping out the poor and blow jobs.