Jon Stewart Quotations

Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid.

I was born in New York City, but I was raised in New Jersey, part of the great Jewish emigration of 1963.

Here's the point - you're looking at affirmative action, and you're looking at marijuana. You legalize marijuana, no need for quotas, because really, who's gonna wanna work?

I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character.

Our culture is just a series of checks and balances. The whole idea that we're in a battle between tyranny and freedom - it's a series of pendulum swings.

You just have to keep trying to do good work, and hope that it leads to more good work. I want to look back on my career and be proud of the work, and be proud that I tried everything. Yes, I want to look back and know that I was terrible at a variety of things.

The Supreme Court ruled that disabled golfer Casey Martin has a legal right to ride in a golf cart between shots at PGA Tour events. Man, the next thing you know, they're going to have some guy carry his clubs around for him.

I'm not just a boy toy. I have feelings and dreams like anybody else.

Liberal and conservative have lost their meaning in America. I represent the distracted center.

Why is it that if you take advantage of a corporate tax break you're a smart businessman, but if you take advantage of something so you don't go hungry, you're a moocher?

If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you don't have a regime.

We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea.

Many of our soldiers are stationed at Camp Coyote just south of the Iraqi border. This is how you know we have a strong army, when you can actually tell your enemy exactly where your camp is and what its name is.

Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.

If the events of September 11, 2001, have proven anything, it's that the terrorists can attack us, but they can't take away what makes us American - our freedom, our liberty, our civil rights. No, only Attorney General John Ashcroft can do that.

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

There is no such thing as an impartial jury because there are no impartial people. There are people that argue on the web for hours about who their favorite character on 'Friends' is.

I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.

If you're going to give people 20 minutes of news satire, you've also got to give them Tiffani-Amber Thiessen or you're going to have rioting in the streets.

Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain.

If you watch the news and don't like it, then this is your counter program to the news.

I heard Dennis Kucinich say in a debate, 'When I'm president... and I just wanted to stop him and say, 'Dude.'

President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voters who supported him by voting for Nader.

I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.

The Internet is just a world passing around notes in a classroom.

I don't care about wealth. What seems to be upsetting is institutionalizing the advantages that wealth gives you.

I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.

McVeigh's lawyer got him the death penalty, which, quite frankly, I could have done.

I want to look back on my career and be proud of the work, and be proud that I tried everything.

If you don't stick to your values when they're being tested, they're not values: they're hobbies.

I'm thrilled to be asked to host the Academy Awards for the second time because, as they say, the third time's a charm.

A joke is a joke. There's an expression - I don't know if you have it - that's 'adding insult to injury.'

More than 150 heads of state attended the UN Summit, giving New Yorkers a chance to get in touch with prejudices they didn't even know they had.

There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!

I can be in 20 movies. But I'll never be an actor.

Nobody cares that Mitt Romney is rich. It's Romney's inability to understand the institutional advantage that he gains from the government’s tax code largesse, that’s a little offensive to people, especially considering Romney's view on anyone else who looks to the government for things like, I don't know, food and medicine.

No matter what your race, creed or sexual preference, there is a word that people use to describe you that is very nasty. It's what we all have in common. That, and masturbation.

Ultimately, people would respond a lot better to being treated like adults ... if politics wasn't treated like marketing,

Wow. I can't wait till later when we see Oscar's salute to montages.

Some are from the world of the arts, some from the fields of business, architecture, wine-making and education. What they have in common is that they are all known nationally -- and many internationally -- for their wide-ranging achievements.

Shnicks," we call it shnicks -- shnicks and giggles.

Of course, it is still eight months to election day, but the campaign is starting to fall into its own natural rhythm: falsely macho Kerry comment, falsely indignant Bush response.

No. I'm not going to be your monkey.

Now, this story certainly has its humorous aspects. And it's easy to make fun of an incident like this. Very easy. But it also raises a serious issue, one which I feel very strongly about. ... Moms, dads, if you're watching right now, I can't emphasize enough: Do not let your kids go on hunting trips with the vice president. I don't care what kind of lucrative contracts they're trying to land or energy regulations they're trying to get lifted. It's just not worth it.

I don't file reports anymore. I do movies,

but - and I don't want to be crass here - isn't a hurricane an act of God? Shouldn't we have a day of shunning?

Getting between him and his fans -- I don?t think it?s the P. I think it?s the bodyguards,

If the evens of September 11, 2001, have proven anything, it's that the terrorists can attack us, but they can't take away what makes us American - our freedom, our liberty, our civil rights. No, only Attorney General John Ashcroft can do that.

I always knew I shouldn't have said that.

Hollander said. ''He suggested maybe making four or five alternatives.

Hurricane Katrina is George Bush's Monica Lewinsky. One difference, and I'll say this, the only difference is this: That tens of thousands of people weren't stranded in Monica Lewinsky's vagina. That is the only difference.

I already miss him. At 42, you don't get the opportunity to be tickled a lot.

I think there is nothing remotely gay about classic Hollywood westerns.

It doesn't mean you're going to have a good pro career, or even do well in the bowl game. But to get to that point means something. Now you're in the club.

You know what's interesting, though? You're as big a dick on your show as you are on any show.

When I said that I wanted to put together a writing staff that would only be 80 percent Ivy League-educated Jews, they said it couldn't be done,

those dastardly, conniving, post-hurricane looting criminals. Is there no end to their planning abilities?!

We were worried sick, ... We thought you had SARS. We thought to ourselves, get out the masks.

We'd always sworn, we're taking 60 Minutes down. You, Frontline, all you guys. You're meat.

We had a real good December. Consumers didn't appear to be holding back at the pump.

The Oscars is really, I guess, the one night of the year when you can see all your favorite stars without having to donate any money to the Democratic Party. And it's exciting for the stars as well because it's the first time many of you have ever voted for a winner.

Very often I get e-mails intended for Jon Stewart from Comedy Central that are mailed to me. And the first reaction, and the first response that I or my assistant make is: Do you have the right Jon Stewart?

Brown was nominated to the post by President Bush in 2003, ... And (he) intends to start the job any day now.

Does anyone know...does the Christian persecution complex have an expiration date? Because...uh...you've all been in charge pretty much since...uh...what was that guys name...Constantine. He converted in, what was it, 312 A.D. I'm just saying, enjoy your success.

Don't worry, ... as long as America still has natural resources, you guys are okay.

The top story, as always, is America remaining obsessed, fascinated -- appalled -- by what is now being called Dick-Cheney-Shot-a-Guy-in-the-Face-Gate. Not as catchy as others have been ...

Prior to heading FEMA, Brown spent the '90s as a commissioner -- this is true -- of the International Arabian Horse Association,

Originally we were going to title it "The Daily Show With Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays Off," but it was too long.

As a performer, I'm truly honored to be hosting the show. Although, as an avid watcher of the Oscars, I can't help but be a little disappointed with the choice. It appears to be another sad attempt to smoke out Billy Crystal.

You're killing me here. Are you freaking out on us? Are you going into crazy-base world?

You're dealing with a show where the lead character is making the irritating and uncomfortable choice,

The way that he feels about Johnny Carson is the way that all of us, the comedians of our era, feel about him.

This feels like some attempt at accountability. And that's what I really like about it.

As I was watching Dave talking about Johnny Carson, the way he feels about Carson is the way we, the comedians of our generation, feel about him,

A boy child, I feel like I'll know how to deal with it if he has a problem. I'll just be able to say to him, 'Well, repress it,' and he will hopefully swallow that, as I have. And then you figure you have 30 years before it comes out over dinner where somebody spills the gravy and then you're like, 'I hate you!'

That is cold-blooded, ... was all like, 'Your momma wouldn't have co-sponsored the Smoot-Hawley Tariff Act of 1930.'

The seven marvels that best represent man's achievements over the last 2,000 years will be determined by Internet vote... so look for Howard Stern's Private Parts to come in No. 1.

I'm 38 and could very much bare my midriff, but it may make some people nauseous.

In Iraq, the U.S. military's whack-a-mole approach to killing Saddam Hussein may have finally paid off. The bombs destroyed the area and left behind a 60-foot crater, or as coalition forces prefer to call it: a freedom hole.

If you want to compare your show to a comedy show, you're more than welcome to ... You're on CNN. The show that leads into me is puppets making crank phone calls.

Hey, wait a minute-aren't there any Senators fans here?

How come they're the most excited people here tonight?

How come they are the most excited people here? That's how you pick up an Oscar.

If I had to go out there and surf, that would be a problem. But you know, it's just comedy.

I can't wait until we can see Oscar's salute to montages.

I am a tiny, neurotic man, standing in the back of the room throwing tomatoes at the chalk board. And that's really it. And what we do is we come in in the morning and we go, "Did you see that thing last night? Aahh!" And then we spend the next 8 or 9 hours trying to take this and make it into something funny.

He's not stupid ... he's not a retarded man ... he just doesn't give a shit about you, or anything,

GOP strategists hope the revelation of Kerry's wealth might debunk his status as a, quote, man of the people, and reveal him to be a bit of a fat cat. Unlike the President who as we all know before attending Andover and Yale, was a Cockney matchstick girl dying of tuberculosis.

The truth is we've been doing The Daily Show for all the way up until just this week, so I've been kind of focused on that. And at home my wife and I just had another baby, so I've also been thinking about that.

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart Presents America (The Book): A Citizen's Guide to Democracy Inaction.

And so I appreciate that, and I thank you for it. And I hope that your colleagues let you still eat at the lunch table.

The field of play has become seriously unleveled as a result of the current rules. Our member schools have complained and asked that we find a way of fixing this problem.

All of the delegates gave up their time to travel with her to show the world the creative face of Canada through performance, discussions and interviews in the host countries,

Doing stand-up comedy is in the middle of a traffic jam getting everybody moving again.

Comedy is the only form of entertainment where the audience doesn't know what to expect. In an evening, you might get ten comics doing ten different things. That's not what happens when you go to hear music. There isn't a classical performance followed by a hoedown followed by rap.

Being funny in life is a lot more like judo. It's using the energy...

Typically, when you're with your friends, premises are coming up left and right. But when you're on stage, you must create the premise. So you have to create the premise, paint the picture and then deliver the punch line.

People always say, when did you realize you were funny? And I think it's not that you realize you were funny. It's that you're brain works in a certain way. And I don't think that that's - I think in some respects it's uncontrollable, and you can either accept it and deal with it and hone it or you can try to fight it. And I was too weak to fight it.

What I like to do is come in, write the entire program and treat my staff to hot stone massages.

The beautiful thing about faking a news show is the topicality is delayed.