Josh Billings was the pen name of 19th-century American humorist Henry Wheeler Shaw. He was a famous humor writer and lecturer in the United States, perhaps second only to Mark Twain, during the latter half of the 19th century...
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than you love yourself.
Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there.
Laughter is the sensation of feeling good all over and showing it principally in one place.
Marrying for love may be a bit risky, but it is so honest that God can't help but smile on it.
Wisdom has never made a bigot, but learning has....
Threescore years and ten is enough; if a man can't suffer all the misery he wants in that time, he must be numb.
It is much easier to repent of sins that we have committed than to repent of those that we intend to commit.
There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory.
The wheel that squeaks the loudest is the one that gets the grease.
Genius ain't anything more than elegant common sense.
Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.
There's a lot of people in this world who spend so much time watching their health that they haven't the time to enjoy it.
There is no revenge so complete as forgiveness.
Love looks through a telescope; envy, through a microscope.
There's a great power in words, if you don't hitch too many of them together.
There are two things in life for which we are never truly prepared: twins.
We hate those who will not take our advice, and despise them who do.
Life consists not in holding good cards but in playing those you hold well.
Life is short, but it's long enough to ruin any man who wants to be ruined.
Every man has his follies - and often they are the most interesting thing he has got.
A puppy plays with every pup he meets, but an old dog has few associates.
As a general thing, when a woman wears the pants in a family, she has a good right to them.
Be kind to your mother-in-law, but pay for her board at some good hotel.
It is not all bad, this getting old, ripening. After the fruit has got its growth it should juice up and mellow. God forbid I should live long enough to ferment and rot and fall to the ground in a squash.
Men mourn for what they have lost; women for what they ain't got.
One of the greatest victories you can gain over someone is to beat him at politeness.
Silence is one of the hardest arguments to refute.
There are some people so addicted to exaggeration that they can't tell the truth without lying.
I think when the full horror of being fifty hits you, you should stay home and have a good cry.
There are two kinds of fools: those who can't change their opinions and those who won't.
About the only difference between the poor and the rich, is this, the poor suffer misery, while the rich have to enjoy it.
If you ever find happiness by hunting for it, you will find it, as the old woman did her lost spectacles, safe on her own nose all the time.
A good way I know to find happiness, is to not bore a hole to fit the plug.
The best time for you to hold your tongue is the time you feel you must say something or bust.
Learning sleeps and snores in libraries, but wisdom is everywhere, wide awake, on tiptoe.
One of the best temporary cures for pride and affectation is seasickness; a man who wants to vomit never puts on airs.
Honesty is the rarest wealth anyone can possess, and yet all the honesty in the world ain't lawful tender for a loaf of bread.
To bring up a child in the way he should go, travel that way yourself once in a while.
It is a very delicate job to forgive a man, without lowering him in his own estimation, and yours too.
Advice is like castor oil, easy enough to give but dreadful uneasy to take.
Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius.
Money will buy a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail.
Love is said to be blind, but I know some fellows in love who can see twice as much in their sweethearts as I do.
The road to ruin is always in good repair, and the travellers pay the expense of it.
Man was created a little lower than the angels and has been getting a little lower ever since.
The trouble with people is not that they don't know but that they know so much that ain't so.
About the most originality that any writer can hope to achieve honestly is to steal with good judgment.
It's not only the most difficult thing to know one's self, but the most inconvenient.
Economy is a savings-bank, into which men drop pennies, and get dollars in return.
The best way to convince a fool that he is wrong is to let him have his own way.
Confess your sins to the Lord and you will be forgiven; confess them to man and you will be laughed at.
If there was no faith there would be no living in this world. We could not even eat hash with any safety.
There is nothing so easy to learn as experience and nothing so hard to apply.
Adversity has the same effect on a man that severe training has on the pugilist: it reduces him to his fighting weight.
There is no greater evidence of superior intelligence than to be surprised at nothing.
One of the rarest things that a man ever does, is to do the best he can.
Woman's influence is powerful, especially when she wants something.
Reason often makes mistakes, but conscience never does.
Most people when they come to you for advice, come to have their own opinions strengthened, not corrected.
I have lived in this world just long enough to look carefully the second time into things that I am most certain of the first time.
The thinner the ice, the more anxious is everyone to see whether it will bear.
Words are often seen hunting for an idea, but ideas are never seen hunting for words.
It is better to know nothing than to know what ain't so.
Don't ever prophesy; for if you prophesy wrong, nobody will forget it; and if you prophesy right, nobody will remember it.
If a man should happen to reach perfection in this world, he would have to die immediately to enjoy himself.
It ain't often that a man's reputation outlasts his money.
Knowledge is like money: the more he gets, the more he craves.
There are people who are always anticipating trouble, and in this way they manage to enjoy many sorrows that never really happen to them.
Common sense is the knack of seeing things as they are, and doing things as they ought to be done.
As scarce as truth is, the supply has always been in excess of the demand.
When a man comes to me for advice, I find out the kind of advice he wants, and I give it to him.
I have never known a person to live to be one hundred and be remarkable for anything else.
Time is like money, the less we have of it to spare the further we make it go.
I haven't got as much money as some folks, but I've got as much impudence as any of them, and that's the next thing to money.
Most people repent their sins by thanking God they ain't so wicked as their neighbors.
The man whose only pleasure in life is making money, weighs less on the moral scale than an angleworm.
Take all the fools out of this world and there wouldn't be any fun living in it, or profit.
The best medicine I know for rheumatism is to thank the Lord that it ain't gout.
Occasions are rare; and those, who know how to seize upon them, are rarer.
Thrice is he armed that hath his quarrel just, and four times he who gets his fist in fust
There are two things in this life for which we are never fully prepared and that is twins
Life is a grindstone, and whether it grinds a man down or polishes him up depends on the stuff he's made of
Love iz like the meazles; we kant have it bad but onst, and the later in life we have it the tuffer it goes with us
Solitude: A good place to visit, but a poor place to stay
One of rarest things that a man ever does is to do the best he can.
One of the best temporary cures for pride and affection is seasickness; a man who wants to vomit never puts on airs.
Music hath charms to soothe the savage beast, but I'd try a revolver first
Never work before breakfast. If you have to work before breakfast, get your breakfast first.
I don't care how much a person talks, if they only say it in a few words.
If it wasn't for faith, there would be no living in this world; we couldn't even eat hash with any safety.
Knowledge is like money: the more one gets, the more one craves.
It ain't so much trouble to get rich as it is to tell when we have got rich.
Laffing iz the sensation ov pheeling good all over, and showing it principally in one spot
It isn't so much trouble to get rich as it is to tell when we have got rich.
Live within your income, even if you have to borrow money to do so
We hate those who will not take our advice and despise those who do
To bring up a child in the way he should go - travel that way yourself.
To be a good critic demands more brains and judgment than most men possess
When a man loses his health, then he first begins to take good care of it
Every man has his follies -- and often they are the most interesting thing he had got.