Zach Galifianakis Quotations

When I do stand-up for a long time, I'll get burned out, then I'll get an acting gig. For me, the grass is always greener. I'd like to do a mixture of all of it. My goal is just to do small movies that I've written. That's what I'm trying to do now, just write smaller movies.

Inappropriateness is funny to me. Rudeness is hilarious.

I used to be really cute. I could send you earlier photos where I'm stunning. But I've gained about twenty pounds over the past two years, and the more weight I've put on, the more success I've had. If you drew a diagram of weight gain and me getting more work, a mathematician would draw some conclusions from that.

There was a long time where I was an 'artist' in quotes, who had no money. But I guess back then I also never had a girlfriend.

When I was in high school I used to sit by myself in the cafeteria - not necessarily by choice - but I thought it was funny to talk to people that weren't there.

Whether you are on the Right or the Left, everyone can agree that there are a lot of outside influences in American politics that are not good for the system. There's just too much money.

We talked about politics constantly in my family growing up in North Carolina. There were always debates. Being of Greek background, it's in our blood to drink coffee and talk politics.

You know, sometimes if you work - if you do a lot of takes and you work long hours, for me, at least, there is a delirium that starts kicking in on the fifteenth hour, and that can help. Below the just thirteenth hour is where I have a concern, because everybody's so tired.

When a role seems fun it's easy to play. It kind of comes organically.

I would have changed my last name if being famous were my goal.

That show, 'The Amazing Race' - is that about white people?

Fat jokes to me are always, always hilarious, as long as they're done towards yourself.

My name is Zach Galifianakis and I hope I'm pronouncing that right. I'm named after my granddad, my middle name. My name is Zach Granddad Galifianakis.

I have a 60-acre farm in North Carolina, and I have a tractor and a farmhouse. As soon as I groom the land, I want to put cabins around and have a place where people can write and hang out. It'll be either that or an all-black nudist colony.

I like dark comedies. That's why I like the Wayans Brothers.

My dad doesn't get any of my jokes. He laughs at them, but he doesn't understand them. He's just laughing because people around him are laughing.

That's one of the great things about comedy: we can - and should - say the things that other people aren't supposed to say. If we didn't do that, if we didn't push against those limits, we'd just be standing around onstage and yelling.

We all know how funny Morrissey is. Actually, you know what? I say that sarcastically. His songs are some of the funniest songs I've ever heard in my life. I mean, really. I mean, not that the 'Girlfriend in a Coma' is, like, really funny.

I think if they put a laugh track on 'Intervention,' it would be funny.

I kind of put myself out there as is. I'm a quiet person. I don't know if that's surprising. I'm a Pilates junkie.

I don't like cursing in movies. I feel like cursing has become the new hackiness. You try to find substitutions for cursing.

It's not good for comedy to be like, 'Thanks for liking me.' Being popular is poison.

Hollywood's built on insecurity. People are trying to prove things. And I probably have that. I probably do. Probably guilty of it, in a way.

Reciting lines is hard; making stuff up is much, much easier.

People get TV deals by doing something in their grandmother's basement. It is definitely the wave. Everybody is trying to do all that stuff. I mean, the Internet is the only reason that I've gotten work is because I've somehow created a line and people have seen it. And then I've been asked to auditions.

I'm not versed enough in constitutional law to run for office. I'd have to go back to school or something.

There's more to life than being an actor in a Hollywood movie. I'm not going to adapt my life after that existence, where a lot of people do. And they get the publicist, and they get all that stuff, and it becomes them. I think it's a stupid way to live your life. A really dumb way to live your life.

As a comic, it's anti-comedy to be known. I think a lot of comedic actors get lost in this world of Hollywood and all this stuff. They lose what brought them there in the first place. I'm very trepidatious about it.

I wish I could sit back and say, 'Oh, I'm gonna wait for a Merchant-Ivory film to come my way. Or Ivory-Merchant. Whatever it's called. But you just take what's given and then, hopefully, down the road you can be more choosy and only do, say, Wayans brothers movies. That's my goal: to be more Merchant-Ivory-Wayans.

American society loves to prop people up and then take them down.

I've been happily dedicated to the same woman for a number of years. I never even look at other women.

Actually, I used to be a busboy in a strip joint in New York and so I hate strip joints. I'm not that kind of person.

I am going to be the next Ryan Gosling.

I am not into publicity. I'm not good at it. I get anxiety about it.

I haven't been hit since Leon Spinks hit me in '92.

I understand Tea Partyers' anger with the system, but they are in way over their heads and often racially motivated, and I can't be part of that.

I think comedy does have that powerful thing that doesn't seem too preachy because you're also making people laugh, so it's really kind of a good tool for messaging.

I get burned out on standup. But I like acting. I do like it. But sometimes you just feel like a monkey. You just feel like a complete tool. But I like it. I do like it. Stand-up is just more free. A lot more freedom because you just do what you want to do.

I try to write three jokes every day. I don't sit down and write them, it's just things that pop into my head. Then I'll go watch it fail onstage that night.

A good stand-up, you lead the audience. You don't kowtow to the audience. Sometimes the audience is wrong. I always think the audience is wrong.

I just try to keep myself a traditionalist. I liked being an underground comic doing my thing. I want to maintain that. I just do.

Privacy is big for me. To do interviews even, I have a very love/hate with it.

The congressmen and senators used to go have a drink in D.C. They would disagree all day long, but they would find that time to sit down and learn about each other personally. I think that's totally wiped out; I don't think it really exists anymore.

I don't want my personal life to change. I don't understand why people strive for [fame]. I know it's ironic for me to be saying this, but this will be the last one I do.

I just could just shave my beard, and nobody would recognize me. Although I look like Jodie Foster.

I'm not cynical when it comes to things that are important. I'm cynical about pop culture and all that horseshit.

I have never been much of a groomer. I take baths a lot, but I don't wear deodorant. I don't have to. I have a miraculous body scent. I've had women smell me and say that should be bottled. I would advise guys to lay off the Drakkar, because the cavemen weren't wearing it. They might have been putting mint leaves on their balls, but [your scent] is grown naturally. I have really good dating advice.

When you're doing standup you're kind of doing, 'Hey. I thought of this. This may be funny.'

I love playing a curmudgeon. I just love playing a sour guy.

I've always been attracted to sad. If you look at Woody Allen movies, he's often playing a sad clown, and it's always been interesting. And angry clown is even more interesting.

I like characters that are fragile and a little bit on the edge .

The whole thing about working in front of the camera is to make people laugh when they're not supposed to.

You save 15 more minutes of sleep if you are a man and you don't have to shave.

My comfort zone is press conferences.

My stand-up is more like how I am in real life. I don't really do a character thing in stand-up. It's just a bunch of sentences that are supposed to be funny.

I don't really have a pattern yet. I don't know if I'll develop one. As far as comedic integrity, I don't have integrity in general, comedic or otherwise.

I know my face is turning red. I don't want you to interpret it as being embarrassed. It's rage. The color of my face is rage.

I don't want to do an edgy show, I didn't want bad language. I think edginess is the new hackiness.

It's fun for me to couple emotion with comedy. I think it helps comedy. I think a lot of times American comedies don't play on emotion too much.

Element of surprise is really fun for me in comedy. I have to be surprised, and everything's been done.

'Baskets' isn't a CBS show. Nothing against that, but this is an off-kilter show on cable that the channel lets you do interesting things. Look, if it works, it works. And if it doesn't, it's just a miniseries.

My headshot is a scratch and sniff, it smells like failure and onions.

Privacy is big for me. To do interviews even, I have a very love/hate with it.

I'm Greek. My body produces feta cheese.

My real last name is Galifianakisburg.

Tigers love pepper...they hate cinnamon.

My girlfriend looks a little like Charlize Theron...and a lot like Patrick Ewing.

The problem with these interviews is that there's no sarcastic font.

I'll never forget my grandmother's last words. She said 'What are you doing?'

I once walked in on my grandparents making love...And that's why I don't eat raisins.

People are trying to prove things. And I probably have that. I probably do. Probably guilty of it, in a way.

My New Year's resolution was to stop saying 'You go, girl' to myself.

I've never been in love... But I imagine it's similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food

I call my balls the bush twins.

I dream of starting a three-man country trio called the Chixie Dicks.

Did you ever wake up with an erection...and find yourself in a massage chair at Brookstone? And you yell to the sales clerk "I'll take it!"

I don't know what my assistant would do besides get me pot.

I live in Los Angeles and I had been drinking one night, so I was on the walk of fame and I saw Tony Danza's star and I started urinating on it. Just yelling out, 'Who's the boss now?'

The congressmen and senators used to go have a drink in D.C. They would disagree all day long, but they would find that time to sit down and learn about each other personally. I think that's totally wiped out; I don't think it really exists anymore.

You know you're getting fat when your socks don't fit.

You know how some people have gay-dar? I have fat-dar. I can automatically tell if you're fat or not. And I also have cerebral-palsy-dar.

Head gear, plus acne equals...table for one in the cafeteria.

When you look like I do its hard to get a table for one at Chucky Cheese.

I don't mean to be gross, but the only time it's good to yell "I have diarrhea" is when you're playing Scrabble because it's worth a shitload of points.

I'm writing a book about Siamese Twins that are attached at the nose. It's called: Stop Staring at Me!

The other day, I got a henna tattoo that says "Forever."

Hookers don't like to snuggle.

Do you ever do something, and then think to yourself: That's So Raven?

Do you remember that kid that had sex with his high school teacher? I was reading online that he died today. He died from hi-fiveing.

Yesterday, I masturbated for 45 minutes... with salad tongs.

But comedy is like music, it appeals to some people. Some people like Creed, those people are usually pretty stupid. But they probably also like Carrot Top. I would say that they're part of the same ilk.

I'm terrible about people wanting to take pictures with me. I'm a giant baby about it. They treat you like a cartoon. There's nothing you can do except make light of it.

If you see something, say something.

You're not supposed to be accepting trophies. You're supposed to be in the back being mad that people are getting trophies.

I'm an American so its kind of hard for me to talk about 9/11. So whenever someone brings it up in a conversation, I say "I didn't like 9/11."

My girlfriend and I went to a dinner party the other night and we ended up playing charades. There was another couple there that was deaf. They were so good.

I want to do another reality show. It's based on The Mole. It's about sexually transmitted diseases. It's called "God, I Hope That's a Mole."

I'd like to do a reality show with four white people...who are dropped off in a really bad black neighborhood. And the show would be called...Cracker Hunt.

I do whatever comes my way. But I get burned out on stage. It's a lonely world. I think part of the romanticism about being on the road is you get to meet a lot of - my mom once told me, "You've probably got a woman at every port." Like I'm a pirate. Obviously she doesn't know her son that well.

I wonder if in 2050 there will be a movie called, 'Dude, Where's My Spaceship'