Zach Galifianakis Funny Quotations

I call my balls the bush twins.

I dream of starting a three-man country trio called the Chixie Dicks.

Did you ever wake up with an erection...and find yourself in a massage chair at Brookstone? And you yell to the sales clerk "I'll take it!"

You know you're getting fat when your socks don't fit.

You know how some people have gay-dar? I have fat-dar. I can automatically tell if you're fat or not. And I also have cerebral-palsy-dar.

Head gear, plus acne equals...table for one in the cafeteria.

When you look like I do its hard to get a table for one at Chucky Cheese.

I don't mean to be gross, but the only time it's good to yell "I have diarrhea" is when you're playing Scrabble because it's worth a shitload of points.

I'm writing a book about Siamese Twins that are attached at the nose. It's called: Stop Staring at Me!

The other day, I got a henna tattoo that says "Forever."

Hookers don't like to snuggle.

Do you ever do something, and then think to yourself: That's So Raven?

Do you remember that kid that had sex with his high school teacher? I was reading online that he died today. He died from hi-fiveing.

Yesterday, I masturbated for 45 minutes... with salad tongs.

I'm an American so its kind of hard for me to talk about 9/11. So whenever someone brings it up in a conversation, I say "I didn't like 9/11."

My girlfriend and I went to a dinner party the other night and we ended up playing charades. There was another couple there that was deaf. They were so good.

I want to do another reality show. It's based on The Mole. It's about sexually transmitted diseases. It's called "God, I Hope That's a Mole."

I'd like to do a reality show with four white people...who are dropped off in a really bad black neighborhood. And the show would be called...Cracker Hunt.

My father used to beat me with his belt...while it was still on him.

I do not have a helmet. But this is a wig, so it's a little protective.

Have you seen that show on CBS called 'The Amazing Race'? Is that show about white people?

I think those neighborhood signs that say 'slow children playing' are mean.

At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?

Four years ago on this very day I tried to take my own life. And I said, "Zach, do it in front of your co-workers and end the misery." I don't know how many of you ever tried to jump off of a Pizza Hut, but you'll just get a sprained ankle out of the deal. Then you'll have to go back inside, and serve crazy bread.

I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cabdriver.

My brother has ADD, which is weird because he drives a Ford Focus. I told my brother that joke but he didn't laugh because he got distracted by my shoe strings.

I have to stop crying when I watch "The View". It's not because of the topics at hand, I just feel sorry for that couch.

I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.

You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name -- and you've never been to that bar before.