Rodney Dangerfield Funny Quotations

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

I was so poor growing up - if I wasn't a boy - I'd have had nothing to play with

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him .... If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion. He said .... Alright.... you're ugly too!

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face .... turned me over and said. Look ... twins!

Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel.

Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.

I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."

I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.

I'll tell ya, I don't get no respect... The other day, I got back from a business trip. I got in a cab and said to the driver, "Hey! Take me to where the action is!" So ya know where he took me? He took me to my house!

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.

For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.

A travel agent told I could spend 7 nights in HAWAII no days just nights.

At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me !

His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blows onion rings.

Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.

My cousin is gay, in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.

My cousin is gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.

I once had a problem ... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank.

I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody.

She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.

She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.

My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.

I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.

My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.

Life is just a bowl of pits.

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with.

My wife made me join a bridge club... I jump off next Tuesday.

My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away!

When I was born I brought no joy, my father said he wanted a boy!

I took my son to Coney island, I said "wanna go in the crazy house?", he said "save your money we'll be home soon"!

I told my doctor I got water on my knee, he gave me a sponge and raised his fee!

Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone!

My daughters been picked up so many times she's starting to grow handles

I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me down to twice a month. But I thought about it, and I figured that it wasn't too bad. I know a couple of guys that she cut out completely.

My wife's so dumb, she got a nail in the spare!!

My mom took me to a dog show and I won!!

I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!

When I was a kid we were so poor, if I hadn't been a boy I wouldn't have had anything to play with.

School is a place were you go to eat your lunch

The sign on the bar said: 'girls- topless, bottomless', I went inside and there was nobody there!

My ex-wife is a water sign and I'm an earth sign. Together we made mud.

I was a poster child... for birth control!

I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.

I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".

I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard!

I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!

When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."

I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last night and I finally gave up. I asked her, "what, you can't think of anybody either?"

I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.

I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said "No, one drag is enough".

I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!

I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There is a pair of shoes on the dashboard. They belong to the last guy she hit

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

One day as I came home early, I saw a man jogging naked. I said to the guy, 'Hey, buddy, why are you doing that?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper four times - three while I was reading it.

Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.

Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!

I told my doctor I wonna stop aging, he gave me a gun!

In high school, when I played football I got no respect. I shared a locker with a mop.

My parents didn't like me. For bathtub toys they gave me a blender and a transistor radio.

Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive!

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."