Henny Youngman Funny Quotations

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say....

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.

Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."

I asked a Jewish man, "Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?" He said, "Yes", and walked away.

A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!"

During the war an Italian girl saved my life. She hid me in her basement in Cleveland.

A bomb fell on Italy. It slid off!

His motto is "Love Thy Neighbor". His neighbor is an 18 year old hooker.

She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her she says, "Tut, Tut!"

He is the only man I ever met with a seersucker face.

Now, the band that inspired that great saying, "Stop The Music!!"

This man dresses like an unmade bed.

Is that your hat or are you wearing a cabana?

Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?

The more I think of you, the less I think of you.

2 Jewish women in New York. One says, "Do you see what's going on in Poland?" The other says, "I live in the back, I don't see anything."

I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.

In a blackout, a Polish man was stuck on an escalator for two hours. I asked him, "Why didn't you walk down?" He said, "because I was going up!"

My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week.

I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?

A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife." "So you're single!"

A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.

A Polish man in a helicopter. Goes up to 800 feet. Down it comes! What happened? "It got chilly up there, so I turned off the fan!"

Are you Polish? Okay, I'll talk slower.

How do Polish people spell farm? E-I-E-I-O

A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out.

Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries.

A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot!

A Polish terrorist was sent to blow up a car. He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe!

Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.

Have you seen the new Polish jigsaw puzzle? One piece.

You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.

Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time?

"What's the latest dope on Wall Street?" "My son!"

I was just in London - there is a 6 hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.

The food on the plane was fit for a king. "Here, King!"

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

A doctor says to a man, "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"

The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!

My room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.

I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two separate buildings!

The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.

I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks, "Which way do I go?" But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race...

My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.

I was walking down the street, and I found a man's hand in my pocket. I asked, "What do you want?" "A match" "Why didn't you ask me?" "I don't talk to strangers."

I know a guy who had his doctor say, "Take some weight off, go to a health club." The man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!

"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"

A man goes to a psychiatrist. "Nobody listens to me!" The doctor says, "Next!"

Doctor says to a man, "You're pregnant!" The man says, "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says, "The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner...."

"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Limp!"

A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.

My brother then opened a tall man's shop in Tokyo.

A tough guy told me, "I'll bet you $10 you're dead." I was afraid to bet him.

2 Guys in a health club, one is putting on pantyhose. "Since when do you wear pantyhose?" "Since my wife found it in the glove compartment!"

My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go, "Crick".

I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.

My son is 21. He'll be 22 if I let him.

Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it.

I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood.

If I had blood, I'd blush.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

Some people play a horse to win, some to place. I should have bet this horse to live.

I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. "Peanuts. Popcorn."

He had a defect, which to a comic might be fatal. He wasn't funny.

Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!

I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.

Have you noticed that families on TV never watch television?

Payday at my house is like the Academy Awards. My wife says: May I have the envelope please.