Henny Youngman Funny Quotations [Page 2]

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

My wife has a black belt in shopping.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

The patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"

Hollywood called me, asking me, "How much to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett?" "$50,000" They called back, "How about $20,000?" I said, "I'll pay it!"

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."

My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

I said to my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' She said, 'I want to go somewhere I've never been before.' I said, 'Try the kitchen.'

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"

When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win.

I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, "Let's get up here before we get killed!"

A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? "I was ironing, and the phone rang!" "What about the other ear?" "Had to call the doctor!"

All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.