Rodney Dangerfield Kids Quotations

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

I tell ya, I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my dad kept the kid's picture that came with the wallet he bought.

My boy is a mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping worms to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias. Well, only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with a bulls-eye on the back. I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."

When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn't even look for me.

I live in a tough neighborhood. They got a children's zoo. Last week, four kids escaped.

I have three kids, one of each.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps - from moving cars.

When I was a kid I got no respect. My mother breast fed me through a straw.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I had no friends. I remember the see-saw. I had to keep runnin' from one end to the other.

I don't know kid, there are so many places they could hide.

When I was a kid we were so poor, if I hadn't been a boy I wouldn't have had anything to play with.

When I was a kid, I never went to Disneyland. My ol' man told me Mickey Mouse died in a cancer experiment.

My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.

Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. Christmas, I got no presents. Well, there was one Christmas, on our front lawn - Prancer and Dancer - they dropped off a little something.

We lived in a neighborhood that was too rich for us. When I was young, I had to deliver groceries to the homes of the kids I went to school with. I had to go to the back doors to make the deliveries. It was embarrassing. That was one thing out of a hundred.

When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."

We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again.

I was an ugly kid; when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.

Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me.

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back.

Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

Once when I was lost I asked a policeman to help me find my parents. I said to him, 'Do you think we'll ever find them?' He answered, 'I don't know, kid. There are so many places they can hide.

What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.

When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight.

My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.

I started over again with an image: Nothing goes right. Then when The Godfather came out, all I heard was, Show respect. With me, you show respect. So I changed the image to I don't get no respect. I tried it out in Greenwich Village. I remember the first joke I told: Even as a kid, I'd play hide and seek and the other kids wouldn't even look for me. The people laughed. After the show, they started saying to me, Me, too - I don't get no respect. I figured, let's try it again.

I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."