George Carlin Un Quotations

I don't think drugs are a problem; I think they're a symptom. As long as Americans are empty, spiritually, emotionally, morally empty, they will need things like the drugs they choose to use. Mankind has wanted to change the way it felt from the beginning anyway. In this country there are even more reasons to want to feel different, to want to feel better, because this is such a neon sewer. This is such a degrading culture. It forces you to play Beethoven to your child in the uterus so that he will get into a better school and a better job and make more money so he can take care of you.

I like my jokes to be built on a foundation of ideas, or at least smart observations.

You can't be the fastest gun in town forever. There comes a time when you're not the golden boy, and you have to go off somewhere and figure yourself out.

All Christian religions are outer-directed. "Who can I convert?" "Let's go to this country and make them Christians." "Wear this." "Do that." "No, don't worship that way. Worship this way or I'll kill you - for the good of your soul, of course." Meanwhile, followers of Eastern religions are sitting in the middle of their minds, experiencing a bliss and a level of consciousness that Western man can't begin to approach.

That's really a part of my nature , it goes along with autonomy and independence of action - it's just that I don't identify with the local group, no matter what it is, whether it's the human species or the American democracy, the nation, the country, religions, political parties, nothing. None of these have my allegiance because I'm not really concerned with what they do. I don't feel a part of any of this.

The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend.

The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

People love to admit they have bad handwriting or that they can't do math. And they will readily admit to being awkward: 'I'm such a klutz!' But they will never admit to having a poor sense of humor or being a bad driver.

O. J. Simpson has already received the ultimate punishment: For the rest of his life he has to associate with golfers.

You know what they want? They want obedient workers. Obedient workers, people who are just smart enough to run the machines and do the paperwork. And just dumb enough to passively accept all these increasingly shittier jobs with the lower pay, the longer hours, the reduced benefits, the end of overtime and vanishing pension that disappears the minute you go to collect it. And now they're coming for your Social Security money. They want your f**kin' retirement money. They want it back so they can give it to their criminal friends on Wall Street.

When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn't a lot worth paying attention to.

I sort of gave up on this whole human adventure a long time ago, divorced myself from it emotionally. It gives me an artistic detachment that I find valuable. I think the human race has squandered its gift, and I think this country has squandered its promise, for the sake of cell phones and Jet Skis.

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

In most polls there are always about 5 percent of the people who 'don't know.' What isn't generally understood is that it's the same people in every poll.

Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.

When it comes to God's existence, I'm not an atheist and I'm not agnostic. I'm an acrostic. The whole thing puzzles me.

And off we go, out onto the highway looking for a little fun. Perhaps a flatbed truck loaded with human cadavers will explode in front of a Star Trek reunion. One can only dream and hope.

Everyone smiles in the same language.

As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.

George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.

Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?

The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves.

Bullshit is truly the American soundtrack.

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

If you had chicken at lunch and chicken at dinner, do you ever wonder if the two chickens knew each other?

I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.

Every time you're exposed to advertising in America you're reminded that this country's most profitable business is still the manufacture, packaging, distribution, and marketing of bullshit. High-quality, grade-A, prime-cut, pure American bullshit.

So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.

You don’t see many of these white anti-abortion women volunteering to have any black fetuses transplanted into their uterus’s, do you? No, you don’t see them adopting a whole lot of crack babies, do you? No, that might be something Christ would do.

This country was founded by a group of slave owners who told us that all men are created equal.

If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely?

I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loath and despise the groups they identify or belong to.

An outsider longing to be on the inside is the same as the soloist longing to work in an ensemble. I get great satisfaction in being a part of the proper - for me - community. I'm uncomfortable with various social groupings and clusterings. But when I'm in the right group, doing the right thing, I get as much satisfaction out of that as anyone who does it all the time.

You know why we're good at it? Because we get a lot of practice. This country is only 200 years old, and already we've had ten major wars. We average a major war every twenty years. So we're good at it!

Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

I call him Governor Bush because that's the only political office he's ever held legally in this country. I don't care where they hang his portrait, I don't care how big his library is. To me, he'll always be Governor Bush. I don't even capitalize his name when I type it anymore.

It's nothing but a big stroke job in this country. The government strokes you every day of your life. Religion never stops stroking you. Big business gives you a good stroke. And it's one big, transcontinental, cross-country, red, white and blue stroke job... Do you know what the national emblem for this country ought to be? Forget that bald eagle. The national emblem of this country ought to be Uncle Sam standing naked at attention saluting, and seated on a chair next to him, the Statue of Liberty jerking him off. That would be a good symbol for the United Strokes of America.

Running isn't a sport because anyone can do it. Anything we can all do can't be a sport. I can run, you can run. My mother can run, you don't see her on the cover of Sports Illustrated do you?

Shopping and buying and getting and having comprise the Great American Addiction. No one is immune. When the underclass riots in this country they don't kill policemen and politicians, they steal merchandise. How embarrassing.

Why is there so much controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who would be willing to test any drug they could come up with

You never see a smiling runner.

I really haven't seen this many people in one place since they took group photographs of all the criminals and lawbreakers in the Ronald Reagan administration.

It used to be cars had cool names: Dart, Hawk, Fury, Cougar, Firebird, Hornet, Mustang, Barracuda. Now we have Elantra, Altima, Acura, Lumina, Sentra, Corolla, Maxima, Tercel. Further proof that America has lost its edge.

They say if you outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns. Well, those are precisely the people who need them!

I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

There are only two places in the world: over here and over there.

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

In the United States, anybody can be President. That's the problem.

Where ideas are concerned, America can be counted on to do one of two things: Take a good idea and run it completely into the ground, or take a bad idea and run it completely into the ground.

Nothing rectifies out-of-control market failures like a healthy dose of government intervention and mountains of bureaucracy.

Hitler never bothered with restaurant reservations; he just dropped by. And somehow they always found him a table.

I make fun of people who are religious, because they're fundamentally weak.

Engineers at General Motors have developed a revolutionary new engine whose only function is to lubricate itself.

Golf is an arrogant, elitist game that takes up entirely too much space in this country.

If drumsticks are for playing drums, you would think that breadsticks would be for playing bread, wouldn't you? "Would you like some breadsticks?" "No, thank you, I don't play bread. I play drums. Perhaps I'll have a drum roll."

A flag is supposed to represent everything that a country does. It doesn't only represent the good things. If you burn the flag, you're burning the flag for what you perceive to be the bad things the country has done. it's only a symbol. It's only a piece of cloth.

The keys to America: The cross, the brew, the dollar, and the gun.

Geologists claim that although the world is running out of oil, there is still a 200-hundred-year supply of brake fluid.

I think TV remotes should have a button that allows you to kill the person on the screen.

When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

I don't believe there's any problem in this country, no matter how tough it is, that Americans, when they roll up their sleeves, can't completely ignore.

I don't have to tell you it goes without saying there are some things better left unsaid. I think that speaks for itself. The less said about it the better.

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.

Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

I had run away from home three times. I had been kicked out of three different schools under different circumstances. I was kicked out of everything that I didn't quit. Kicked out of schools. Kicked out of summer camp, the Boy Scouts, the alter boys, the choir, and something else that I can't think of, that I'm proud of. Anyway, that was my pattern. I just began to invent myself early in life, and went out and did something about it.

Always do whatever's next.

The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.

I don't care much about the outcome. I'd like for people to feel better and have better lives, but I don't think that's in the cards through political action. I think bloodshed is still the way you get dramatic change. That'll never happen because they've got all the guns now. At least they've got the nice guns, the big ones, the ones with night vision.

We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.

You have to be realistic about terrorism. Certain groups of people, certain groups, Muslim fundamentalists, Christian fundamentalists, Jewish fundamentalists, and just plain guys from Montanta, are going to continue to make life in this country very interesting for a long, long time.

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.

The status quo sucks.

When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.

Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers.

I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.

What wine goes with Captain Crunch?

A good motto to live by: "Always try not to get killed.

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If it requires a uniform, it's a worthless endeavor.

Life is a near-death experience.

I think I am, therefore, I am... I think.

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.

I respect animals. I have more sympathy for an injured or dead animal than I do for an injured or dead human being, because human beings participate and cooperate in their own undoing. Animals are completely innocent. There are no innocent human beings.