Phyllis Diller Quotations | Page 3

There's such a buildup of crud in my oven, there's only room to bake a single cupcake.

Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.

I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.

When I go to the beach, my grandchildren try to make words out of the veins in my legs. That's why I still take the pill; I don't want any more grandchildren.

Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.

I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along - but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.

Remarrying a husband you've divorced is like having your appendix put back in.

I never made `Who's Who,' but I'm featured in `What's That?'

It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.

I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.

The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.

You know you're old when your walker has an airbag.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

You've got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It's when somebody steps on the bride's train, or belches during the ceremony that you've got comedy!

I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.

To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won't have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.

Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.

I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. There's no use doing it now, it doesn't fit anybody I know.

Doctors say it's okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.

In most states you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.