Famous Quotes & Sayings

W. C. Fields

I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

Todd Barry

I'm traveling the world, ripping rooms apart with my stupendous comedy.

Red Skelton

I personally believe we were put her to build and not to destroy.

Red Skelton

I personally believe that each of us was put here for a purpose - to build not to destroy. If I can make people smile, then I have served my purpose for God.

Mike Epps

I'm engaged, on the way to being married.

Sarah Silverman

The nightmare stories are all true, but it was good. Made me so strong after that year of getting my confidence beaten out of me.

Dana Carvey

You trying putting Bob Hope in a modern corporate movie now and get him up at 4:00 a.m. and get him on the set for 20 hours a day.

Rachel Dratch

Everybody always asks about Jimmy Fallon. I'm sorry to say that he's very nice and there's not much bad to say about him. I don't know if he sucks at videogames or not. I don't think he plays them, but he could have this whole secret life I don't know about.

Bill Cosby

That married couples can live together day after day is a miracle the Vatican has overlooked.

Chris Elliott

I missed the boat when I was doing Late Night.

Ben Stiller

I have not gone to an 'N Sync concert personally. But my dad did a part in Lance Bass' new movie. He could not be a nicer young man.

They want to build a future for themselves in a society they believe in. They want to have a national goal that they can achieve.

Keenen Ivory Wayans

It's really hard to take this stuff seriously. A lot of it is sexual, but it's not offered up that way. It's just body parts, gross kind of stuff.

Joan Rivers

I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.

Lucille Ball

The more things you do, the more you can do.

Lucille Ball

I think knowing what you cannot do is more important than knowing what you can.

Groucho Marx

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.

Dick Smothers

It works much like a marriage, an old marriage. You've got to work on it.

Martin Lawrence

I know you think I'm crazy. I go into a different room and I actually felt like it takes me to a better place, positive instead of negative.

Gilbert Gottfried

I host these bad movies late at night.

Wanda Sykes

I'm a big Cosby fan. I respect the man.

Patton Oswalt

I love doing stand-up, and having a growing core of fans forces me to experiment and push every time. Everyone has fun - me, most importantly.

Emo Philips

I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.

Joey Adams

People are still willing to do an honest day's work. The trouble is they want a week's pay for it.

Joe E. Lewis

Whenever someone asks me if I want water with my Scotch, I say I'm thirsty, not dirty.

Chris Farley

Everyone is treating it like a Hollywood story. In Madison, it's a neighborhood story.

Steven Wright

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

Steven Wright

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

Joan Rivers

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

Joan Rivers

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.

Allan Houston

If it had been what was supposed to happen, it would have happened.

Jane Wagner

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

James Thurber

It is better to have loafed and lost, than never to have loafed at all.