David Letterman Trying Quotations

I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.

For the love of God, folks, don't try this at home.

This will be Michelle Obama's last opportunity to try to get me to eat kale.

Hillary's trying to appear downhome. Earlier today she was sitting on the front porch of a general store whittling a pantsuit.

At the White House, they caught another fence jumper earlier today. It was Obama trying to get out.

It was a tough press conference for President Bush. He spent the first ten minutes trying to pronounce Fallujah. ... Bush insisted that Iraq is not Vietnam. Of course not, he avoided Vietnam.

Here's some news from Afghanistan. We're sending more troops to seal up the borders. Can we try that here? Three months, 12,000 pounds of bombs and billions and billions of dollars and the highest ranking enemy we've captured so far is an American.

Mitt Romney was a guest on 'The Tonight Show' on NBC. It's interesting — you have an empty suit trying to please everyone, and then Romney comes out.

Mitt Romney is doing what he can. He's trying very hard. He wants to unite America, the rich with the wealthy, the poor with the indigent, and the white with the Caucasian.

President Bush is going to establish elections there in Iraq. He's going to rebuild the infrastructure. He's going to create jobs. He said if it works there, he'll try it here.

President Obama's trying to work out a nuclear deal with Iran, and the Republicans are steamed. They got together and sent Iran a letter about the nuclear deal. They said if this doesn't work, by God, they're going to send Seth Rogen and James Franco.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.