David Letterman White Quotations

Obama took a tour of the Great Wall of China and said, 'We need one of these things around the White House.'

The campaign for the White House is heating up with John Kerry taking heat for throwing his Vietnam medals away, getting a $1000 haircut, and wearing a 1970s wig known as 'the Leno.' There are really two sides to this story. And America can't wait for Kerry to present both of them.

My good friend Paul Shaffer and I are going to continue in show business. Next month Paul and I will debut our new act at Caesar's Palace with our white tigers.

They're doing everything they can to tighten security at the White House. Today, on the roof of the White House, they added one of those fake owls.

The Academy Awards are passed out on Sunday. It's voted by members of the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences. Or as I call them, 50 shades of white.

At the White House, they caught another fence jumper earlier today. It was Obama trying to get out.

Tim Tebow may be back in the NFL with the Philadelphia Eagles. As you remember, he was thrown out of the league when he landed his gyrocopter on the White House lawn.

There was an embarrassing moment in the White House earlier today. They were looking around while searching for George Bush's military records. They actually found some old Al Gore ballots.

According to the recent polls, Bush has a slight lead over John Kerry. So today, Bush hung a banner over the White House saying, 'Mission Accomplished.'

The White House has announced that they no longer recognize Fox as a news organization, which puts them about eight years behind the rest of us.

Since 1980, there have been 91 breaches of security at the White House. Well, 92 if you count George Bush.

Barack Obama's busy moving into the White House. Earlier today, John McCain was blowing on his soup.

The White House has now put together a website for kids. It's a website to teach kids how to manage a budget responsibly. The website is called ' Irony.gov. '

Mitt Romney is doing what he can. He's trying very hard. He wants to unite America, the rich with the wealthy, the poor with the indigent, and the white with the Caucasian.

Over the weekend, of course, down there in Washington, D.C., they had the big White House Correspondents' Dinner. Do you know who was really funny? President Obama. So funny, in fact, he has already been promised 'The Tonight Show' in five years.

George W. said he doesn't watch television. And, of course, well - the reason for that is the Clintons stole the White House satellite system.

I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal.

Today was opening day for the new Congress in Washington. And Vice President Joe Biden swore in the new batch of White House fence jumpers.

In pop culture news, Lady Gaga got married. And yes, she was wearing white meat.

Some Secret Service guys crashed a car into the White House. And they had been drinking when it happened. Actually, they hit a barrier trying to get to the White House. It's the same thing that is happening to Hillary.

The White House is saying Donald Trump has 'zero percent chance' of being elected. Isn't that a little high?